Jokes & Reads

[forre]

sunny poison, Luuurve such jokes!

[ypsidan04]

(author unknown)

Blonde Medical Terminology

Anally: occurring yearly

Artery: study of paintings

Bacteria: back door of cafeteria

Barium: what doctors do when treatment fails

Benign: what you be after you be eight

Bowel: letter like A.E.I.O.U

Cesarean section: district in Rome

Cat scan: searching for kitty

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her

Colic: sheep dog

Coma: a punctuation mark

Congenital: friendly

D&C: where Washington is

Diarrhea: journal of daily events

Dilate: to live long

Enema: not a friend

Fester: quicker

Fibula: a small lie

Genital: non-Jewish

G.I. Series: soldiers' ball game

Grippe: suitcase

Hangnail: coathook

Impotent: distinguished, well known

Intense pain: torture in a teepee

Labor pain: got hurt at work

Medical staff: doctor's cane

Morbid: higher offer

Nitrate: cheaper than day rate

Node: was aware of

Outpatient: person who had fainted

Pap smear: fatherhood test

Pelvis: cousin of Elvis

Post operative: letter carrier

Protein: favoring young people

Rectum: nearly killed 'em

Recovery room: place to do upholstery

Rheumatic: amorous

Scar: rolled tobacco leaf

Secretion: hiding anything

Seizure: Roman emperor

Serology: study of knighthood

Tablet: small table

Terminal illness: sickness at airport

Tibia: country in North Africa

Tumor: an extra pair

Urine: opposite of you're out

Varicose: located nearby

Vein: conceited

Bostonese

# ah: The letter between "q" & "s."
# ahnt: Sistah of your fathah or muthah.
# bah: Serves beah and hahd
# likkah: "The train to Noo Yok has a bah cah."
# bayah: Ferocious
# bon: As in: "Where were you bon?"
# bzah: Strange, odd.
# Chahlz: The rivah.
# chowdah: Clams, milk, buttah.
# Con: Stahchy veggie that comes on a cob.
# onnah: Where streets intersect.
# fah: Not neah heah
# fok: What you eat pahster with.
# fyah: Blaze
# Gahden: What they're tearing down this yeah.
# hahbah: What they dumped tea into in 1773.
# Hahvid: Country day school across the rivah.
# hahf-ahst: Done without regahd to detail.
# heah: Done with the eahs. "Listen my children, and you shall heah of the midnight ride of Paul Reveah."
# khakis: What you staht the cah with.
# nawtheastah: Stawm that blows in from the wottah.
# Noo Yok: Sinkhole 240 miles south of Tremont Street.
# owah: Sixty minutes.
# pahk: Cahn't do it in Hahvad Yahd. Not downtown eithah.
# pahty : A place to go to drink and socialize - nothing to do with Mother Nature.
# pastah: The rectah of a parish, like St. Mahgrits.
# pichahs: They throw fastballs at Fenway.
# Rawjah: He throws the fastest fastballs at Fenway.
# Reveah: He rode through Ahlington on a hiss shouting "To Ahms!"
# shuah: Of course
# shot: Not tall.
# wof: A peeah, jutting into the hahbah.
# yeah: A 365 day period.
# yiz: You, plural. As in: "Ah yiz goin down to the Cape tammorah?"

[Tom Violence]

Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?



So you can see its face.

[ypsidan04]

Only at Wal-Mart........



One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "my elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. It's a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.

It will improve in two weeks."

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[spyretto]

A bit old but pretty good

[ypsidan04]

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an American,

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that use Taiwanese chips,

and a Korean monitor,

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization

[QueenBee]

how many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
lets go ride bikes!

[ypsidan04]

>Subject: Fw: Why Men Are Happy
>
>Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple
>creatures?
>
>Your last name stays put.
>
>The garage is all yours.
>
>Wedding plans take care of themselves.
>
>Chocolate is just another snack.
>
>You can be President.
>
>You can never be pregnant.
>
>You can wear a white T-shirt to a waterpark.
>
>You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
>
>Car Mechanics tell you the truth.
>
>The world is your urinal.
>
>You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because
this one is
>just too icky.
>
>You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.
>
>Same work, more pay.
>
>Wrinkles add character.
>
>Wedding dress $5000 - Tux rental $100.
>
>People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
>
>The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
>
>New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
>
>One mood all the time.
>
>Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
>
>You know stuff about tanks.
>
>A 5 day Vacation requires only one suitcase.
>
>You can open all of your own jars.
>
>You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
>
>If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your
friend.
>
>Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
>
>Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
>
>You almost never have strap problems in public.
>
>You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
>
>Everything on your face stays its original color.
>
>The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.
>
>You only have to shave your face and neck.
>
>You can play with toys all your life.
>
>Your belly usually hides your big hips.
>
>One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
>
>You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
>
>You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
>
>You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
>
>You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
>minutes.
>
>No wonder men are happier!

[shizzo]

Dirty joke!

Highlight the text between the dashes.

--

A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his
deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices
the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little
girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks
the car on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised,
the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age,
the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes
she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

--

[dare2dream28]

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, January 23, 2006

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide
Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoid ing The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen
Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right
Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries
and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.


Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.


My favorite was Class 7...so true! My dad can *never* find *anything* he's looking for & raises holy hell while attempting to find stuff until my mom finally gives in & takes all of 2 seconds to locate whatever he was looking for.

[forre]

Calmness in our lives

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could
all use a little more calmness in our lives.

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find
inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the
things you've started and never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish
Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old
Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box
of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those
you feel might be in need of inner peace.

[QueenBee]

forre, haha I love it!

[dradeel]

Originally Posted by forre

I finished off a
bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish
Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old
Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box
of chocolates.

Now, that's what I call a recipe for happiness.

[Kyro]

Happiness? Sounds more like something that would make me extremely sick. Doritos and cheesecake... That's not happiness

[dradeel]

Originally Posted by Kyro

Happiness? Sounds more like something that would make me extremely sick.

Hahaha, yeah well... that too. That is if you shoved it all down your throat very quick. I think you could do all of that during a whole day, and that way make it easier and more enjoying

[Rachel]

The smell of doritos makes me wanna chuck.

[forre]

Gotta Love Old Men

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son."

[Amy_Lee_Rocks]

Originally Posted by shizzo

Dirty joke!

Highlight the text between the dashes.

--

A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his
deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices
the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little
girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks
the car on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised,
the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age,
the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes
she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

--

LMFAO!!!! You made my day!!! OMG i was so mad..
after reading this i could not stop laughing!
THANK YOU!!