Hello Trees, Hello Sky!
 

Depressed by all the bickering and Deicide-style black clouds of doom circling around our heads (yes, yes, I know you've all got your reasons, but the discussions are now going round in circles), I thought I'd open a light, airy, happy thread, to try to bring some positive qi into the forum (anyone know anything about the Feng Shui of message boards?)

So, feel free to post jokes, happy thoughts and general sweetness and light here. Please leave your negativity at the door. Think it might also be best to stay off the subject of Tatu as well, as it seems to upset too many people (both Diehards and Disappointed).

Love and hugs and kisses and peace and all that good stuff,

LenochkaO (who doesn't like conflict. At all.)

*Leaves negativity at the door* Stay there!!!

I'll start off with a joke.. :D It's kind of.. *cough*

---

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He
knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy
sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep
her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around.
He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to
another man for him. He was browsing through the dildo's, looking
for something special to please his wife, and started talking to
the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We
have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I
don't know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks,
except..." and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo
penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He
opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like
every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The
Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the
door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook
wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form
down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo
Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back
to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally
surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo
and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my
crotch."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he
was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was
unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would
willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my
crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping.
It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she
became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still
thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could
help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to
drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way,
another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the
road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He
asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to
drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to
drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck
in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an
arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"

:laugh:

Snorkalicious, QB!

Oh, oh, I have another one.. I think it's quite funny, but no offence to bus drivers.. :D

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

thank you for a great laugh, QB :D

I better remember this one:p

atom one : "I think I just lost an electron!"
atom two : "Are you sure?"
atom one : "I'm positive!"

:D

Q:Why did the chicken cross the road?

A:To get to the other side....IM SO FUNNY!!! :gigi:


Queenbee, it took me 20 seconds to get your joke...lol

jeez, u really crack me up :lol:

qb, i told my sister about the voodoo thingie, she laughed her a$$ off :D

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
- You 'neak [unique] up on him.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
- The tame [same] way.

Ah, English. A divine diction. :D

haha...nice one cniaju

We prop. all know them. The bluescreens from windows. With a list of wierd error messages. At a Danish site some alternative messages is listed:

WinErr: 001
Windows loaded - System in danger

WinErr: 002 - No Error - Yet

WinErr: 003 - Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file

WinErr: 004 - Erronious error - Nothing is wrong

WinErr: 005 - Multitasking attempted - System confused

WinErr: 006 - Malicious error - Desqview found on drive

WinErr: 007 - System price error - Inadeqaute money spent on hardware

WinErr: 008 - Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments

WinErr: 009 - Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened

WinErr: 00A - Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full

WinErr: 00B - Inadeqaute disk space - Free at least 50MB

WinErr: 00C - Memory hog error - More RAM needed. More! More! More!

WinErr: 00D - Window closed - Do not look outside

WinErr: 00E - Window closed - Do not look inside

WinErr: 00F - Window open - Do not look outside

WinErr: 010 - Window open - Do not look inside

WinErr: 011 - Reserved for future mistakes by our developers

WinErr: 012 - Unexpected error - Huh?

WinErr: 013 - Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened

WinErr: 014 - Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of

WinErr: 018 - Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore

WinErr: 019 - User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!

WinErr: 01A - Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry

WinErr: 01B - Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that

WinErr: 01C - Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadeqaute

WinErr: 01D - System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code

WinErr: 01E - Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait

WinErr: 020 - Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost

WinErr: 042 - Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box
The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automaticly be closed and the virus will be activated again

WinErr: 079 - Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue

WinErr: 103 - Error buffer overflow - Too many erros encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded

WinErr: 678 - This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

WinErr: 683 - Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure

WinErr: 815 - Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583 Bytes available

Good ones TLFdk :D

Here's an Aussie version of windows:

http://carcino.gen.nz/images/index.p...80e0b/7aafb5b4

lol @ "Porn"
This link will be forwarded first hand tomorrow

TLFdk, oooh our lovely Windows! Guess what message it gave me once? "No keyboard found. Please press f12 to continue". I wonder if Bill Gates gets his own errors while using Windows!

I recieved the same message in dos;)
Or wait it said: "No keyboard located. Press any key to continue"
Problem was '98 not being too friendly to my new USB keyboard :rolleyes:
Good thing I solved the problem with buying a Notebook instead..

I bet Bill is useing Linux :lol: He of all people must be tired of OS Bluescreen

LMFAO@"Order your copy today for just two months worth of dole money" :laugh:

windows haters :gigi:

shame on u...!
:lalala:

$in, says the one who uses linux :rolleyes: :heh:

well i use this one. Windows Really Good Edition :lol:

http://www.cs.umd.edu/users/meou/Fla...NRG/WINRG.html

and tina knows how good it is, right...?

hey I tried it at least. I even won a game of Solitaire. Runs ok.. at least I could finish the game :lol:

Oooh I've seen that one before.. it's magnificent. :done:

yeah, and ultra-stable :rolleyes:

OMG that is totally kewl ... its like my laptop with Windows ME...except i have a few more programs ;)

*goes to send Windows RG to all my friends* :D

LenochkaO: Good thread idea. I dont like conflict either.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

What has 4 legs, and 1 arm? A rottweiler

Lady, this vacuum cleaner will cut your work time in half!
Good! I'll take two of them.

What did the Buffalo say to her son before his first day of school?
Bison.

Dad, would you do my homework for me?
No, son. It just wouldn't be right.
Well, maybe not. But give it a try anyway.

The only reason I'd take up jogging is so I can hear heavy breathing again.

Sex on television is harmless, unless you fall off.

A man walks up to a blind man, and hands him a piece of matzah. The blind man says, "who wrote this nonsense?"

If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?
I'd choose the one that's living.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. (i.e. the Bush administration)

I said no to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen

a salesmen rings at a door, a women opens it. he immediatly rushes in, spreds some dirt, seeds, dog-hair, etc on the carpet.
-ok, now look. now if this vacuum-cleaner won't clean up this mess without any trails, i'll personally lick everything from this carpet...
-ok, then. wan't any catchup on it...? the electricity is gone...

That's a good joke. :D

ehm.. was it already posted...? :ithink:

sorry then :hmmm:

In the tatu jokes thread.. still a good one though:done:

missed that one...

Oh, oh! I have a riddle :D I think you've heard it before, but it took me aaages to figure it out! Actually, someone told me the answer. :rolleyes:

What is greater than God,
More evil than the devil?
The poor have it,
The rich need it,
And if you eat it, you die?

answer: "nothing"

wu hu.. I'm good :D

And a joke!
 

This guy was in an airplane and he really had to go to the bathroom but the mens stall was occupied and would be for a long time. So, the next time the flight attendant came a long he told her she said that he could go into the ladies bathroom but she warned him not to push any of the buttons. So he went in. he sat down on the pot and was looking at the buttons that the flight attendant told him about. They said:

W AD P ATR

He thought oh well ill just try one. so he pressed the W button and it washed his bottom with nice warm water. So he thought woo that felt good so he pressed the AD button and it Air Dried his soggy butt. He was thinking, these women really have it good so he pressed the P button and the toilet brushed his bottom with powder. So a little more daringly he pressed the ATR button.

The next day he woke up and he was in the hospital. A nurse walked in and he asked what had happened. she said, you should have listened to the flight attendant not have pressed any bottons because you pressed the Auotomatic Tampon Removal button...

Tina.. boo.. you weren't supposed to know.. :bebebe:

sorry, I'm smart.. what can I say? :P naaa I think it was included in Diablo II or Baldurs Gate II. One of those at least.

:lol: nice one, QB

eeewwww....
u r young qb, u'r not supposed to know jokes like this...! :lol:

In 3. grade my teacher had to censor my jokes for the school newspaper :lalala: That is after she had written them down herself

Once, there was a dark, dark universe.
And in this dark, dark universe, there was a dark, dark galaxy.
And in this dark, dark galaxy, there was a dark, dark solar system.
And in this dark, dark solar system, there was a dark, dark planet.
And on this dark, dark planet, there was a dark, dark country.
And in this dark, dark country, there was a dark, dark city.
And in this dark, dark city, there was a dark, dark neighborhood.
And in this dark, dark neighborhood, there was a dark, dark street.
And at the end of this this dark, dark street, there was a dark, dark house.
And in this dark, dark house, there was a dark, dark room.
And in the corner of this dark, dark room, there was a dark, dark closet.
And in this dark, dark closet, there was a dark, dark jacket.
And in this dark, dark jacket, there was a dark, dark pocket.
And in this dark, dark pocket,












... was a pink jellybean.

$in, that was cool.. :D People always forget you have a bellybutton.. *rolls eyes*

Oh btw, ebaumsworld ROCKS! :D

There are two types of people in the world: those who remember things very easily and... uh.

That was interesting, $in.

I can't believe you just said that! Cudjew do me a big favor, and join the forum there? I need more Tatu fans there, dammit! I'm the only voice in the crowd! :rolleyes: ($in too) - Thanks.

(but I warn you, there are some people there who aren't afraid to speak their mind.)

Seeya around, hopefully.