Jokes

[TaTu^HeRo]

So everyone can post jokes here We need to lauugghhh to forget daily troubles

Bush or Kerry

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.
Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy--Johnny.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."





Religious Boy

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[jENytATy]

Do You Have A.A.A.D.D. ?

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car.

… As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

… I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

… I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

… So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

… But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

… I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left

… My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

… I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

… As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

… I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

… I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

… I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

… Someone left it on the kitchen table.

… I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

… I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

… So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

… Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

… At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

… Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

… I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

… Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

… Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!


GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

[TaTu^HeRo]

[luxxi]

Teacher asks pupils what tragedy is. Little Susie rises har hand "If somebody gets hit by a car." "No," teacher corrects her. "That's accident". Little Frank rises his hand "If school bus full of children falls of the cliff and everybody dies." "No, that would be great loss". Little Johnny "If Air Force One is shot down by OBL and everybody dies." "Correct. Why do you think that is a tragedy?" "Because it wouldn't be an accident nor a great loss."

What's blonde's mating call? "I'm sooooooo drunk."
What's brunette's mating call? "All blondes have left."

What o you call blonde surrounded by drooling idiots? Flatered.

Blonde wakes up under a cow and sees udders. "OK, one at the time guys."

What's red, blue and brown and lies in the ditch? Brunette who told too many blonde jokes.

A pair comes to magistrate office to get married. Magistrate is angry. "I'm sorry miss, I can't marry you. Don't you see groom is dead drunk?" "I'm sorry but I can't get him in here when sober."

Father is saying to his soon before wedding. "This is the happiest day of your life." "But dad, I'm going to get married tommorow" "Exactly."

Mother asks daughter. "How are things between you and Frank? Are you getting married?" "Yes, but we are need to iron small details." "Such as?" "Well, I want to wear short skirt to wedding and have 200 guests and Frank doesn't want to get married."

[rosh]

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the
custody of their child posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet
and protested to the judge that since she had brought the child into
this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his
side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose
from his chair and replied "Judge, when I put a dollar in a vending
machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the
machine?"

[jENytATy]

here's another:

Selling Insurance to the Army

Corporal Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Corporel Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $250,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000.

Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

[ypsidan04]

During his visit to England, George W. Bush met with the Queen. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"


"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowned. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"


The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Tony Blair walked into the room. "Yes, your majesty?"

The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.


Back at the White House, Bush asked to speak with Vice President Dick Cheney.


"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Dick Cheney went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Dick shouted, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Dick Cheney smiles "Thanks!"

Cheney went back to the Oval Office to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and
I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush got up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yelled into his face, "No, you idiot!.. It's Tony Blair!"

[jENytATy]

SIMPLE MATH
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
Just goes to show you.....
What makes up 100% in life?

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and knowledge will get you close,

And, Attitude will get you there,

Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top!!!