Unofficial site of group TATU


Unofficial forum of group TATU
Go Back   Unofficial forum of group TATU General Forum The Island of Arts


Winkie's thoughts


ReplyPost New Thread
 
Thread Tools
Old 17-02-2007, 23:20   #61
Winkie Winkie is offline
Redhaired poet
 
Winkie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: The Netherlands
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,323

Just some thoughts

And everything's okay and the world's smiling and so am I, right? Everything's cool. Maybe I should become an actress. I care about you and you don't see it. You know I love you and you refuse to see it, every second. You want him, and him, and him, and him. You want everyone, but you don't even see me. And you want to be able to talk to me about boys, and I don't want to risk a new fight, so I say yes, I say it's okay, I say it's fine, I say it doesn't hurt me. Of course it hurts me. The only thing that's changed is that I've become so good in hiding my pain that it only shows at moment you don't see it, moments like this. Moments when I put razors in my arm because I push that pain so far away that it can't get out anymore, unless it's in my blood and I can let go of my blood.
Why? There are moments when I want nothing but hold you, kiss you, never let you go again. You are so close, and so far away, and I don't even know why. I don't even know if I ever had a chance, or if it has been a lost game all the time. I don't understand why you faket your love for me, if you don't even like girls. I don't understand anything anymore, I don't know what to do with you, I want you to be happy, but I'm in so much pain. Everything hurts and I don't even know what I mean to you. Do you care about me at all, or am I just someone you happen to know?
Maybe I've just been too suspicious after her, but you've hurt me so much, I don't even know what I can think. I agree with everything because I'm afraid you'll be mad with me again. Mad because you're everything I look for in a girl. What I look for in a person. You never asked what Cris looked like or anything, but if you did, I wouldn't have been able to answer. What was I supposed to say? That he was a male you? Some male hippie, with the same view on life as you do? That I thought I liked him because I could project the feelings I had for you, towards him? Is that what I should have said? Do I have to say I date Pieter because then, maybe, I can forget about you? Because he's completely different from you. But I can't forget you and everything I say and do, everything I feel, reminds me of you. I want to forget you and at the same time, I want to cherrish every moment with you that I can remember, for ever. And you don't. You forget me, forgot me a long time ago and I don't know how to continue. You flirt with me, and you flirt with boys, you're claiming to be straight, and you've had a relationship with me, and your eyes never lied.
And I can't lie no more, not to myself. I'll keep listening, I'll keep supporting you, every minut of the day, every heartbeat, but I can't fool myself any longer, and my eyes, they don't act that well already. They shine, but not all the time anymore. And still I smile and act crazy and try to be happy, because if I don't, I'll lose you, I'll lose you for ever, also as a friend, and that's all I've got left right now. And I just know that whatever you do, no matter how you hurt me, or touch me, no matter how much pain you'll cause me, or how much you'll make me laugh, that you and me will always stay you and me, that there will be no we anytime soon. Maybe never, but that's too hard to write down. I'll stay me. You'll stay you. And we, that'll forever stay we. But it will no longer be us.
  Reply With Quote
Old 28-03-2007, 17:58   #62
Winkie Winkie is offline
Redhaired poet
 
Winkie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: The Netherlands
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,323

My letter to you

Dear Joost,

They've finally got your murderer. Did you know he confessed today? I was kind of shocked, didn't expect for it to happen anymore. And now I also know the exact way you died and it's.. I can't even put into words just how sick it makes me feel. I really can't. It's pure horror and I can't imagine that any living creature is able to destroy someone else's life, body, everything, in such a way.
Did you also know that last week I was going through my msn-history and I found some old chats we had a year ago? About your birthday last year. You turned 22. This year, last friday, you would've turned 23. You never even made it. You never stood a chance. And all those things you said, they made me smile again. I was smiling and crying and I've never felt so double. I wish you were here and I could talk to you about all the things bothering me. It hurts so much to know that I'll never ever see you again. Maybe it just seems stupid but I always had this little spark of hope that maybe, somehow, you were alive, just somewhere else. That something happened to you and you had permanent memory loss and just didn't remember us. I know it's stupid, but that was all I could do. But now, now I know that you are truly dead and lost. That we can never bury your body, and that we'll have to live without you. And damn it that hurts so bad.
And I'm gonna stop here, I just hope they'll put that little fucker away forever and ever and ever, and I hope you're out there somewhere smiling down on me.
Love you!

Anne
  Reply With Quote
Old 19-04-2007, 18:04   #63
Winkie Winkie is offline
Redhaired poet
 
Winkie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: The Netherlands
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,323

They found you. Thank god (?) they found you. At least, parts of you. I went to that place yesterday night, to bring you 10 white roses. I thought it wouldn't affect me much, after all, you didn't die there. But I couldn't stop crying. Stupid? Maybe. Honest? Yes.
I miss you. I hope someone out there knows that violence, hate, and racism should really stop. Right now.
  Reply With Quote
Old 19-04-2007, 18:47   #64
the unforgiven the unforgiven is offline
fancy topping
 
the unforgiven's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: france
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,785

Winkie, *hugs* if you need to talk you know that I'm here for you
~~~~~~~~~~~
(\ /)
( . .)
c('')('') "your love is enormous, it's lifting me up"


Anaïs | Pie crust's lover | TatySite.net t.E.A.m. | [11] |
[my fansite]
  Reply With Quote
Old 20-04-2007, 15:41   #65
Winkie Winkie is offline
Redhaired poet
 
Winkie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: The Netherlands
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,323

Thanks
  Reply With Quote
Old 20-04-2007, 15:44   #66
Winkie Winkie is offline
Redhaired poet
 
Winkie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: The Netherlands
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,323

Long Time / Fly Away

It's been a long time
And did you know that sometimes
I can't remember your smell?

It's been a long time
And did you know that sometimes
I wake up, feeling your body pressed up to mine?

It's been a while
And did you know that sometimes
I ask your opinion?

It's been a while
And it's just a small habit
But I still think about you at night

It's been ages
Since I last saw you
And I know I'll never see you again

Not in this life
Not in this life
So fly away now
To every place you want to go

It's been too long now
  Reply With Quote
Old 03-05-2007, 21:11   #67
Winkie Winkie is offline
Redhaired poet
 
Winkie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: The Netherlands
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,323

I watch you as you fall asleep. Your hair is wet with sweat, sticking to your face, and your breathing is even. I smile at you, and I watch you smile in your sleep. I wonder. Could you be dreaming of me? But no, I realise. Those days are forever gone. Those nights will never come back. I smile, and somehow I manage not to cry as I watch you cuddle up to him.
You will never know. You will never know just how much I love and need you right now. Right here. I want to feel your arms and I want to feel your breath on my ear. I want to hear loving, soothing words, nonsense being mumbled into my ear. It will start tonight, I just know. I don't know what "it" might be, but I know "it" will start tonight. Maybe you'll come back to me, maybe I'll move on.
I wonder just how long love can last. Did you ever believe in me? In us? Don't you know I know what you said about me? Don't you know I know I meant nothing to you? And still, I love you. I'm so stupid and I hate myself for loving you, but I still do. You do something to me and I can't explain it. And I just wish you'd see what's right in front of you, always, waiting.

Once upon I was falling in love, but now I'm only falling apart

And I just hate myself for loving you. And I hate you for being you. And I hate myself for hating you for being you.
  Reply With Quote
Old 31-08-2008, 01:09   #68
Winkie Winkie is offline
Redhaired poet
 
Winkie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: The Netherlands
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,323

Whutevah

Yaaay I'm still alive (though most of you won't care, I'm happy bout it).
So, what's up in my life? I moved! Right. So now I'm studying and since students never do shit, I'll have all the time in the world to write, right? I will, but you guys have to check something out for me. I moved to Maastricht, and I want you guys to check the wiki-page, just to tell me it's a lovely city cuz little Winkie tends to get homesick and needs to be reminded of how beautiful the city she now lives in is, and blablabla. Pwease? *puppy eyes*
  Reply With Quote
Old 05-09-2008, 13:52   #69
the unforgiven the unforgiven is offline
fancy topping
 
the unforgiven's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: france
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,785

Anne Maastricht seems like an amazing city imo
enjoy your student status and your new "home"

born to be wild in Maastricht lol
~~~~~~~~~~~
(\ /)
( . .)
c('')('') "your love is enormous, it's lifting me up"


Anaïs | Pie crust's lover | TatySite.net t.E.A.m. | [11] |
[my fansite]
  Reply With Quote
Old 05-09-2008, 14:24   #70
dradeel dradeel is offline
Green Eyed Demon
 
dradeel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Socialist hell: Norway
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,306

Quote:
Originally Posted by Winkie View Post
. I moved to Maastricht, and I want you guys to check the wiki-page, just to tell me it's a lovely city cuz little Winkie tends to get homesick and needs to be reminded of how beautiful the city she now lives in is, and blablabla. Pwease? *puppy eyes*
I don't have to look at any wiki-page to tell you that, cause I KNOW it's a beautiful city! It seems to be somewhat the same size as Trondheim, where I live, so in that case it should be a perfect city to live and study in. You'll forget you ever lived anywhere else in no time, I'm sure!
~~~~~~~~~~~
What I Think Tank
I have started a blog that aims to concentrate its content on politics, economics and history, with a keen interest in American politics and the American tradition of Libertarianism and Austrian Economics.
  Reply With Quote
Old 03-10-2008, 10:06   #71
Winkie Winkie is offline
Redhaired poet
 
Winkie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: The Netherlands
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,323

It's been two years already..
  Reply With Quote
Old 09-11-2008, 08:28   #72
Winkie Winkie is offline
Redhaired poet
 
Winkie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: The Netherlands
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,323

Letters

The letters appear on my screen one by one. Secretly each one of them kills me inside a little bit. The girl inside of me, the naive litte kid that was still hoping that all of it, one way or another, would be okay, is really giving in right now.
Those letters are right in front of me, but they don't get through. I ask one question after another, to convince myself that it's real. That it's not a joke. That it's definite. That I can forever push all hope out of the way.
I have to go. Get out of this place, get away from everything. In pure despair I text my friend, and he's coming. No, he's not. He's bitching me. I didn't just lose you, but also him, I feel it. I feel it from the letters in his message. "Get over it." I can't. "Find a reboundgirl." Got one. "I'm scoring." I'm not. I'm losing.
Oh no, he's coming. My mum's up already and sitting next to me on the ground while I throw it all out, cry, hate, complain. I hate not hating you. I didn't know Stifler told truths. I hate it to not hate you and I hate myself because I hate not hating you. Because I want to hate you. Because hate somehow makes the pain more bearable. Because when the hate's gone, so is the pain. I know. But I don't hate you. I hate myself. I hate myself for all the chances there have been. For how easy I've been. For how vulnerable I've been. For how sweet I've been. For the fucking fact that I love you.
He's standing on the doorstep and I throw all of my anger out of me. Against him and against you. But only against him. Depressed, we drink all of the wine and port that we can find at the time being, we just hang around on the couch and cry our eyes out. Then we move towards his house. J's coming over too. The three of us drink even more beer, cry, lach, and somehow I manage to smile. I fall asleep with my head on his tummy.
I wake up because of my own tears. I text a few friends and turn my phone off. I don't want to be disturbed. My folks've got his number. If they have to reach me, they will. But not right now, please. Because I hate myself at the moment. Me and everything around me. I want to throw, scream, kick, hit and run. I want it all, everything as long as it clears my head. As long as it makes me hate. As long as it makes me feel exhausted.
And he falls asleep behind me. I don't have the heart to wake him. Why would I? What stuff did talking ever solve? Words often ruin things even more. Letters ruin everything. It takes a night to hope, even though that hope is based on nothing. It takes a second to destroy a thought. And now all I wonder is how long it'll take me to get myself back together.

But I think it's about
Forgiveness, forgiveness.
Even if, even if
You don't love me anymore.
  Reply With Quote
ReplyPost New Thread

Bookmarks


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Tatu portraying a lesbian wedding, your thoughts? haku Discussions 69 14-04-2006 22:35
what are your thoughts??? lozza_513 Discussions 15 18-12-2005 19:02
Thoughts On Graduation Lux General discussions 12 25-12-2004 20:13
Some thoughts ypsidan04 General discussions 9 19-10-2004 00:53
Thoughts on the Jay Leno show performance FadingAway News and Events 59 01-03-2003 21:26



All times are GMT +1. The time now is 10:38.




© 2001-2008 Unofficial site of group TATU

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.