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Old 11-10-2006, 21:02   #41
Winkie Winkie is offline
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Thnx..
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Old 27-10-2006, 22:00   #42
Winkie Winkie is offline
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Open letter to Joost..

And I keep thinking about Mark when I saw him in the towncenter, and about Joost.. I don't know. I hate the guy who did it. I hate him I hate him I hate him. But I don't want to! Cuz a negative connection is also a connection. And I don't want that. I miss Joost so bad..
Louis asked if I wanted to go to querelle tonight, but I can't. Might sound stupid but, everything there, every fucking chair, centimeter on the dancfloor, doesnt matter what, reminds me of Joost and Mark and everything, all the times we were having fun there, every time we were dancing together. Every time he came to me with his puppyface and asked for money for a beer and asking if I might have a cig for you. He stole that puppylook frmo me. All the times I was dancing with Mark or Meine and that at once I felt a hand on my ass and turned around and saw you standing there, feeling locked out.and how I put my arms around your neck and took you with me on the dancfloor, how we drank a beer together and shared a cig and how we didnt let go of one another all through the night.
All the times how i sat in your lap, tired from dancing, against the wall. your arms around my middle, my arms around your neck.i miss you so bad joost. and i can't believe it, i dont want to believe it. i want you to come back. to walk into querelle and be okay..
People have asked me if i want to celebrate christmas in querelle this year, like last year, but i dont think so. it will never be the way it used to be.. with you, ramon, nina, mark, meine, and amber.. so many things have happened this past year to our group, but this was def. the worst..
I remember so many things. so much things i couldnt remember, but i do now. the talks we´ve had at the lake, at the tapas restaurant, when you came to pick me up after school, every time in querelle. it must have been douzens of times, but right now it seems like one dark night, with some scary ending..
There are so many things i wish i would have told you.. so many things we wanted to do.. we had so many plans, so many things we were going to do together, where we wanted to go together. and I know.. your body is gone, but you´re still with me in my heart. you´re only truelly dead when everybody has forgotten about you, and we can never forget you.. therefor, you were too much one of our group, a part of us. and you still are. there is an empty spot in our middle, and nobody can handle that, or replace you. we miss you so bad..
we miss the boy who came to us whenever he saw us.. you never said a simple `hi` and walked on. No, you always came to us, hugged everyone, kissed the girls, and told us how much you cared about us, how we were never allowed to forget that, never allowed to forget how much you loved us. stupid, but whenever i think of that now, how you kept telling us that every time, it feels like you knew you´d leave at once.
There are so many things we were going to do together Joost. We were going to Leiden or Utrecht this holiday, we were going to the lake one eve one of these days, to smoke a joint and watch the stars. You were going to play me a song on your guitar. But it's not going to happen. It will never ever happen..
You were only 22 for god's sake Joost! That's way too early to die! I don't want to lose any more friends to death. You'd think that after everyone it would've been enough, but no, you had to go too. I dont understand. Yeah, sometimes you had some extremistic idea's, but they were never in the way. You loved all your friends the way they were, and these kinds of things were never in between us. You were interested in my point of view, as I was in yours. We've had such great discussions.. I will miss them. I will miss your opinion. I will miss everything about you. I miss your arms around my middle, the way you hugged me and kissed my neck all the time, the ways you've tried to flirt with me, every time I saw you.. :P But it didn't always work out hahahaha.. It truelly was a game between you and me. I miss it boy! I miss it so bad! I miss your hugs and your conversations. I miss your eyes and I miss your kisses! I want another kiss Joost. I want a kiss, the kind of kiss only you could give.. Such an incredible sweet "You're a very special girl" kiss.. And a hug with that, and a hand that took my tears away when I couldnt handle things any more. And now they keep on flowing, but you're not here to kiss them away. Why not?
Dear Joost, I don't know where you are now, but I hope, that whereever it might be, you're happy there..
Like you said once: "I think dying is worse for the ones left behind, than for the one who's dying". I don't know what you went through, but it's so bad for us Joost. It hurts so bad..
It's killing me, even my folks notice, and you know, they hardly notice negative things with me.. But they do now. I hardly sleep anymore, I hardly eat, I lose weight like crazy and look like a dead one.. Ain't it lovely..?
But dear dear dear Joost.. I hope you're so happy, where ever you are, and I hope.. That you didn't suffer too much, and I hope you know we all miss you so bad and we love you like crazy.. And that, when I'm there where you are now, we're gonna party like hell, we're gonna have a great time.
Dear Joost, I love you, and I miss you. And none of those will disappear soon. Probably never.. But I will survive this, I will get through. You know that too. But please know, that you'll have a place in my heart and in my head forever, and that I miss you so incredibly bad..
Dear Joost, sleep tight..

Kisses, Anne
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Old 28-10-2006, 02:57   #43
mad_for_lena mad_for_lena is offline
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wow...thats great Winkie your very talented
~~~~~~~~~~~
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Old 28-10-2006, 12:28   #44
Kyro Kyro is offline
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Winkie, that's so beautiful and sad it actually made me cry a little. You've reminded me just how much I love my friends, so thank you for that I really hope things become at least a little easier for you soon. I don't really know you, but I know you'll be ok.
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Old 28-10-2006, 15:31   #45
Winkie Winkie is offline
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Thank you Kyro. I hope I can remind everyone of the fact that people who care about you are just too special to let go.. Just tell 'em how much you care, because you'll never know if you can tell them another time.. There might not always be a tomorrow..
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Old 28-10-2006, 16:01   #46
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I don't think this will help whatsoever, but that made me cry. I just couldn't control it, I started crying for your letter, and then I kept on crying, no idea why.

Anyway... Anne, you're simply special. I can't help but really hoping you'll be fine...
~~~~~~~~~~~
All I ever wanted,
All I ever needed
Is here, in my arms.

>> Flog <<
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Old 28-10-2006, 16:34   #47
Winkie Winkie is offline
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*hugs Katoren*
I will be fine, maybe not fine, but I'll be okay.. I won't let this destroy me.. We have to live on, even if it's just for Joost.. But it feels so bad.. I went out last night, to the café we always went to, and I talked to people.. So many memories.. So many people who cared.. So many thoughts. I can't even voice it..
We'll have a ceremony with all his friends, because there can't be a funeral..
Like a friend said: when you are waiting for news about one of your friends, every second seems like an eternity. and I think that's so true. When you care about someone, and there's something wrong with them, time seems to slow down and I feel like time hasn't even moved since the 3th of october
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Old 28-10-2006, 16:49   #48
the unforgiven the unforgiven is offline
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as I said last night, your letter is really moving
now I wanna say to every single friend I have that I care about them, show them how important they are for me
*hugs you my lovely Anne*
~~~~~~~~~~~
(\ /)
( . .)
c('')('') "your love is enormous, it's lifting me up"


Anaïs | Pie crust's lover | TatySite.net t.E.A.m. | [11] |
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Old 28-10-2006, 22:21   #49
Winkie Winkie is offline
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Do just that.. Maybe it sounds stupid but let them know, doesnt matter if you tell them, show them, send them a card, just let them know somehow..
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Old 07-11-2006, 20:46   #50
Winkie Winkie is offline
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My eyes

I could still recall the moment
I could still recall the day
It was like nothing ever happened
The moment you walked into my life

But still it seems like a bad story
When I tell you how my life has been
About the abuse and the hurt
About the bruises and the scars

I'm not as old as you think I am
I'm not as young as my face says I am
I'm just as old as my eyes tell you I am

And I know that you think you know me
But you don't know anything
How can I ever tell you what happened
With all those men with all those wounds?

How can you ever deal with my past?
How can these scars and wounds ever heal?
I can't even imagine being here alive
When all I used to want was die

I'm not as old as you think I am
I'm not as young as my face says I am
I'm just as old as my eyes tell you I am

My eyes have seen way too much sorrow
My eyes have watched just too much pain
Sometimes I wish I could be blind and turn my eyes away

I'm not as old as you think I am
I'm not as young as my face says I am
I'm just as old as my eyes tell you I am

I'm not as old as you think I am
I'm not as young as my face says I am
I'm just as old as my eyes tell you I am

©Winkie

Last edited by Winkie; 07-11-2006 at 21:01.
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Old 07-11-2006, 21:01   #51
the unforgiven the unforgiven is offline
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P.E.R.F.E.C.T as always
~~~~~~~~~~~
(\ /)
( . .)
c('')('') "your love is enormous, it's lifting me up"


Anaïs | Pie crust's lover | TatySite.net t.E.A.m. | [11] |
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Old 07-11-2006, 21:06   #52
Winkie Winkie is offline
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Thanks sweety
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Old 27-11-2006, 19:11   #53
Dj_Volk Dj_Volk is offline
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OMG, they're so perfect... im in love with them!!!
Its Official... im Winkie's Fan

Can u give me an autograph, please?
~~~~~~~~~~~
Lew Phreiser | I Love Pam | Julia Rulez | Rach's Fan [ djvolk@gmail.com ] | Tatu-World.Net

You're The reason I Believe In Love
You're The Answer To My Prayers From Up Above

All We Need Is Just The Two Of Us
My Dreams Came True Because Of You
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Old 27-11-2006, 19:18   #54
the unforgiven the unforgiven is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dj_Volk
Its Official... im Winkie's Fan
me too

Anne, je bent zo lief I love this sentence
~~~~~~~~~~~
(\ /)
( . .)
c('')('') "your love is enormous, it's lifting me up"


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Old 09-12-2006, 22:59   #55
Winkie Winkie is offline
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Awww *blushes*

Can I have my own fanclub too? (A)

And DJ-Volk, I looove your signature, this part:
I Will Make Me A Willow Cabin At Your Gate
And Call Upon My Soul Within The House


Lost & Delirious is the best movie ever and I love that part of it where Paulie says that before she jumps, so sad, so beautiful *cries*

Last edited by Winkie; 09-12-2006 at 23:17.
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Old 09-12-2006, 23:04   #56
Winkie Winkie is offline
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Ok trying to think of a new one

I can't

I can't really tell
Who I am these days
I can't really know
Why I feel this way

I have to say I'm sorry
For hurting ev'ryone
I have to say I care
Because somehow I still do

But I hate myself
And I hate my life
And I hate my feelings
And I hate these days

And I feel like I should draw with blood
And I feel like I should care way less
And I feel like I should quit this life
And I feel like I should stop right now

But I know
I know
I can't

I can't feel
I can't go numb
I want to feel ice
I want to feel ice flow over my wrists

But I can't
I can't do anything
Am I just another failure?
Am I just another loser?

And I can't tell you
Just how much I care
And I can't tell you
Just how bad I feel

And I can't
I can't do anything right
Cuz I can't
I can't tell you who I truly am

And I feel so bad
For hurting you like I did
And I feel so screwed
You hurt me more than anyone else

But I feel so good
When I imagine you're here
And I feel so bad
When I wake up and my bed is empty

And all the time I imagine you're here
And all the time my bed stays empty
And all the time I know you're with him
But all these times I just want you here

But you can't
And I can't
You're not here
You don't care

And I can't tell you just how much I care
And you can't tell me cuz you don't care
And I want to love kiss touch feel taste you right now
But I can't
I just can't see the truth

©Winkie


Offtop:
And Nais, this one was inspired by your userpic The "I can't see"-part.. Just wanted to let you know.
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Old 09-12-2006, 23:26   #57
Winkie Winkie is offline
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Scars

And it's time to let you know
To let you see who's really me
And it's time to truly find out
To watch and see me bleed

Watch me bleed my love for you
Cuz a scar's something that stays with you forever
And a scar's something that says more than words can ever tell

So now it's time to hide forever
Time to run into the woods and change
I have to save you and you're the only one
The only one I ever truly loved

Watch me bleed my love for you
Cuz scars they never change
They never fade away

So now you lay beside me
Dreaming watching never changing
Life seemed so good those times
But those times are slowly fading
And a scar's the only souvenir I have

And life is always changing
And I feel I'm standing still
Standing in the middle while the world just keeps on changing
And a scar's the only thing that stays for ever

So watch me bleed my love for you
I'll scream to you no matter where you are
And I will always find you
And you can hide beside me for ever 'till eternity

And now we'll stay together
Nothing can change this moment
And I will always find you
And you can hide beside me for ever 'till eternity

And we'll drown in an ocean filled with sorrow
An ocean filled with tears
But scars will always stay beside you
They're the only thing you'll never lose

©Winkie
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Old 12-12-2006, 20:17   #58
the unforgiven the unforgiven is offline
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*faints*
best poems ever! and my avatar inspires you *blushes* hehe
you rock babe and you know it!!

about the autograph on my tummy : it rocks! I've got something to brag about
~~~~~~~~~~~
(\ /)
( . .)
c('')('') "your love is enormous, it's lifting me up"


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Old 14-12-2006, 12:54   #59
Winkie Winkie is offline
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Good, glad it maked you happy hahaha..
And thanks
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Old 08-01-2007, 00:24   #60
Winkie Winkie is offline
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I want to say that this is not my poem or song. This one is owned by the Goo Goo Dolls and the person who wrote it. But I'd like to post it here because I think it fits, because it was like "the song" of me and Joost, the guy I wrote a letter in this topic..

Goo Goo Dolls - Name

And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away

And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame
But if you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell your name

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are

You grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell your name

I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are come back down
And I won't tell your name


It's been 3 months and 4 days and still no one knows where you are, but you are said to be dead. I miss you.
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