Jokes & Reads

[QueenBee]

This is like the third joke-thread we have, but since the other two are so old, I thought I'd start a new one (otherwise just tell me, and I'll delete this and post a message in one of the old threads). Well I wasn't feeling very happy today so I thought I'd read some jokes and maybe smile a bit.

Dumbest things said in court
Lawyer: I show you Exhibit 2 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Witness: That's me.
Lawyer: Were you present when that picture was taken?


Lawyer: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was tall and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male or female?


Lawyer: Mr. Matthews, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
Witness: I used to be.
Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?


Lawyer: You said she had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?


Lawyer: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?


Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.


Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Doctor: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Lawyer: Have you lived in this town all your life?
Witness: Not yet.


Lawyer: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Yes, I have been since early childhood.


Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body of Mr. Smith?
Witness: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Lawyer: And Mr. Smith was dead at the time, is that correct?
Witness: No! He was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!


Lawyer: You say that the stairs went down to the basement, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?


Lawyer: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?


Lawyer: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?


Lawyer: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
Witness: It indicates intercourse.
Lawyer: Male sperm?
Witness: That is the only kind I know.


Lawyer: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the accident?


Lawyer: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?


Lawyer: Were you alone or by yourself?


Lawyer: Then what happened?
Witness: He told me, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Lawyer: Did he kill you?


Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.


Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


Attorney: Your foster son, Corey, who cooks for him?
Witness: Oh, I do.
Attorney: How often do you cook for him?
Witness: We have probably one good meal a week.
Attorney: Well, no commentary on your cooking, but how many "bad" meals do you have?

[freddie]

Another lawyer one:

lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
witness: "No"
lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
witness: "NO"
lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
witness: "No"
lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
witness: "No"
lawyer: "How can you be sure Doctor?"
witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
witness: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

[QueenBee]

freddie, hahaha I've heard that one (actually, I've heard pretty much all the ones I posted) and it kicks ass.

I should use that sometime...

[Mossopp]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?"
The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to get a drink from the
river.
The lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint.
The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"
The monkey looks down and says, "Fuuuuuuuuuuuck........How much water did you drink?!"

[luxxi]

Jessica simpson and Britney walk in a bar. You would expect at least one of them would see it.

A priest, miniter and rabbi walk in a bar. Bartender looks at them "What? Is this some kind of a joke?"

A horse walks in a bar. Bartender: "Why the long face?"

A priest and minister are standing by a bend in a road and are holding "Stop before it's too late." And "End is near." signs. A car drives by and driver rolls down his window and yells "Leave us alone you nuts." and drives on. After couple of seconds there is screeching of brakes and loud splash. Minister looks at priest "Should we rather have signs "Bridge out" instead?"

A man is driving up mountain road when a car drives behind a curve. Woman rolls down her window and yells "Pig." Not to let that go by he rolls down his window and yells "B*tch" and drives on. And crashes into a pig behind curve.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.

What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace? Krisp Kringle

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Because every buck is dear to him.

On December 24, Adam's wife was known as? Christmas Eve

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas? Thanks, I'll never part with it !

A cat walking on the desert is bound to get what? Sandy claws

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney? Because it soots him !

Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem

I've seen the Ghost of Christmas Past and he's shaped like a credit card.

A Christmas shopper's complaint is one of long standing.

How do sheep greet each other at Christmas? Merry Christmas to Ewe!

[luxxi]

Q: Why do reindeers have red noses?
A: They are not equipped with ABS (Automatic braking Syatem) and thus tend to bump into things on slippery surfaces. This is why Santa is often seen with a red nose too (the sleigh doesn't have an airbag, either).

Q: Why does Santa use Elves?
A: There is no trade union for Elves. They're easy to exploit.

Q: Does Santa really work all year round making toys?
A: Get real! Check the box in which the Christmas gift came! Does it say "Made on the North Pole"? ("Made in China", more likely)

Q: Then what does he DO all year?
A: Uncertain. Chasing Elves and reindeer, most likely. Maybe he spends his winters in Florida.

Q: Do the polar bears on the North Pole cause Santa any trouble?
A: Not since Santa equipped the guard Elves with M-16 guns.

[DAZ]

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

[luxxi]

Santa Pick Up Lines

Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

Wanna see my 12-inch elf?

I`ve got something special in the sack for you!

Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

I know when you`ve been bad or good... so let`s skip the small talk!

Some of my best toys run on batteries... (wink wink!!!)

Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that`s what Mrs. Claus calls it.)

I see you when you`re sleeping & you don`t wear any underwear... Do you???

Screw the "NICE" list... I`ve got you on my "NAUGHTY" list, Babe!!!

Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

[luxxi]

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
There were bottle of booze left around by some louse.
When through the North window there came loud a yell
I sprang to my feet to see what the hell...

And what to my bloodshot eyes should I see,
But eight drunken reindeer caught up in a tree.
And there in the branches, was a man with a sleigh.
I knew it was Santa, quite tiddley and gay.

Staggering nearer those eight reindeer came,
While he belched and hiccoughed and called them by name:
"On Whiskey! On Vodka! we ain't got all night,
You too, Gin and Brandy, now all do it right!

Clamber up on the roof, and get off this wall,
Get going you rummies, we've still got a long haul!"
So up on the roof went the reindeer and sleigh,
But a tree branch hit Santa before he could sway.

And then to my ears like the roll of a barrel,
A hell of a noise that was no Christmas carol.
So I pulled in my head and I cocked a sharp ear,
Down the chimney he plunged, landing smack on his rear.

He was both plump and chubby, and tried to stand right,
But he didn't fool me, he was high as a kite.
He spoke not a word but went straight to work
And missed half the stockings, the drunken old jerk.

Then putting his thumb to the end of his nose,
He fluttered his fingers as he quoted prose.
As he sprung for his sleigh at so hasty a pace,
He tripped on a shingle and he slid on his face.

But I heard him call back as he passed out of sight,
"Merry Christmas, you lushes, now really get tight!"

[QueenBee]

Two muffins are baking in the oven when one of them says "Man it sure is getting hot in here" to which the other replies "HOLY CRAP, a talking muffin!"

[luxxi]

A carpet installer was laying new living room carpeting in a large mansion. After laboriously pulling, stretching, and tacking the carpet, he finally finished, and gratefully sat back to enjoy a cigarette.

Reaching into his shirt pocket, however, he found that his cigarettes were gone, and looking toward the center of the room, he saw a bulge the size of a cigarette pack under the new carpeting. He of course had no intention of pulling up the carpet, so instead he took a large mallet, and he pounded the lump flat, so it could not be seen.

He then hopped in his truck and headed back to the office. On the way, he found his cigarettes in the glove compartment.

Just then his cellular telephone rang. When he answered it, he discovered it was the dispatcher from his office. The dispatcher said that the homeowner had just called them in a terrible panic.

It seems their son's favorite pet hamster was missing. Had the carpet layer seen the hamster while he was in the house?

[RowerB]

Question: What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Answer: Nothing. You’ve already told her twice!

[Mossopp]

^ Not big. Not clever.

[QueenBee]

Actually, I thought that was funny in a cruel way... there are sooo many of those jokes, I just don't take them seriously. *Laughs at joke*

[RowerB]

^ I only posted that joke for Mossopp.

Question: What is the difference between dogs and cattle?

Answer: Cattle always purr if you stroke it.

[Mossopp]

Originally Posted by RowerB

^ I only posted that joke for Mossopp.

Why? Did you think I'd find it amusing or are you just winding me up?

Whatever.

*goes in search of some jokes that are actually funny*

[RowerB]

Originally Posted by Mossopp

Why? Did you think I'd find it amusing or are you just winding me up?

Whatever.

*goes in search of some jokes that are actually funny*

I just wanted to see how you’d react, Mossopp. I thought you might find it funny.

I thought the cat joke was hilarious.

This is from a story Fred Trueman told:
It was terrible what happened to Lester Piggott, just for keeping a few quid back from the taxman. Not only was he fined but he was also sentenced to prison. When they got him to the jail they had to blindfold him and lead him round three times to get him in his cell.

[ypsidan04]

Moved:

You might be a redneck goth if...
your coffin is up on blocks.
your hearse has a shotgun rack
your wife-beater shirt is black.
your coon dogs are named Bela and Lestat.
you have a pair of black latex overalls, with no crotch.
you drink the blood of animals at night, and then sodomize them.
you have hickeys with fang marks.
you check the blood type of your victim with a dipstick.
you don't have two front teeth, but you do have fangs.
your banjo is made of human flesh and bone.
your blood comes in a box
you hold late night walks and poetry readings, in a junkyard.
you think Johnny Cash has "pretty lips"
your coffin is lined with a velvet confederate flag
your hearse's horn plays the first few notes of Dixie, in D minor.
your hearse has Playboy mudflaps.
you have a Moon tan line when wearing a short sleeve shirt.
your coffin liner is black and grey plaid.
your hearse is jacked up and sports dear lights.
you smoke cloves in a corncob pipe.
you dye your sheep black.
you have elbow length black latex gloves, covered in pig shit.
you midwived the cow your leather boots came from.
your oh-so-spooky homepage is at www.y'all.com.
that's engine grease on your face, not makeup.
your bull's nose is pierced 6 times.
even your teeth are black.
your hearse has its doors welded shut.
you have a black velvet Elvis painting, postmortem.
your child's first words were "Ah! The light!".
your hearse has a trailer hitch.
you slit your wrists after your sister breaks up with you. - William
Annis
you draw the line at drinkin' the blood o' colored folk. - William
Annis
you write Gothic poetry about your "Achey Breaky Heart." - David Raehal
your closing remark at a funeral is "Y'all come back now, hear?" -
Theadeaus
Aggrippa
your rooster crows at moon rise - Theadeaus Aggrippa
all the cars and car parts in your yard can be seen as a pentacle from
low
flyingt aircraft - Theadeaus Aggrippa
your front porch were to collapse you would have killed 27 dogs if they
weren't already dead - Theadeaus Aggrippa
your favorite brew is blood light - Theadeaus Aggrippa
your pick up truck is up on headstones - Theadeaus Aggrippa
you have a flatbed hearse - Theadeaus Aggrippa
barbed wire is not only functional but a fashion statement for your
house -
Theadeaus Aggrippa
you have spent your life perfecting black corn - Theadeaus Aggrippa
your great granddaddy still sits in his favorite rocking chair even
though
he is dead - Theadeaus Aggrippa
you go to the family grave plot to pick up girls. - Andy Tiegs
your coffin has a side-mounted spitoon - Marc Beltmann
you fantasize about your sister while listening to "Sisters of Mercy" -
Marc
Beltmann
your favorite monster truck is "Grave Digger" - Marc Beltmann
you have a giant pentagram belt buckle - Marc Beltmann
you have a bumper sticker that says "The dead will rise again" - Marc
Beltmann
your face is paler than your hood (mabye don't post this one) - Marc
Beltmann
you're too depressed for incest. - Marc Beltmann
you live in a double-wide mausoleum. - Marc Beltmann
you wear a black condom when you screw your sister. - Marc Beltmann
you have a copy of "press eject and give me the tape" on 8-track. -
Josh
Gross
your granny crochets your fishnets - bellatrix
you make bondage jewelry out of old tires - bellatrix
you name your lice after members of the Cure - bellatrix
you thought 'the Crow' should have been called 'the Chicken' -
bellatrix
your favorite comic is "Johhny the Homicidal Tractor" - bellatrix
you have a red flannel trenchcoat - bellatrix
you buy your makeup from the hardware store. - Jesse Jacobs
you brand your cattle with the Bauhaus logo. - SpOoKyGiRl
you are the 7th son of a 7th son and your sister. - Doug Krainman
you bought Project Pitchfork thinking it was a country album. - Wolfe
your top hat has a "John Deer" patch on the front. - Stacy "Big Daddy"
Daugherty
you love Skinny Puppy......with taters and gravy. - Stacy "Big Daddy"
Daugherty
you own the entire Anne Rice collection but it just sits there because
you're illiterate. - Jackson Lanners
you claim that the bullet holes in your broken television set show your
'artistic side' and reflect your 'distaste for the media.' - sheri
you have an Elvira pinup in your outhouse. - Jestin M Speet
someone yells "Hoedown!" and your dominatrix hits the floor. - Malcus
Dorroga
you get up at 4 AM every morning to collect eggs from the raven coop. -
Ted
Prodromou
your bath water is black when you are done and you DID NOT just dye
your
hair. - Lord Dellamorté
you think black tape for a blue girl is a way to fix your home. -
Morgan
Lefay
your beer cans have fang marks - Zombie
Screwing your sister involves digging her up first. - Darksoul
Your wife, mother, sister and dominatrix are all the same person. -
Darksoul
It's easier to get a pet alligator than a rat. - Darksoul
You paint your pet gator black. - Darksoul
You burn upside down crosses. - Darksoul
You play a recording of "Amazing grace" backwards to hear the hidden
messages. - Darksoul
Instead of a scarecrow in your crops, you have a rotting corpse on a
stick.
- Kashashaptu
You and your pitbull share the spiked collar. - Malkchild
Your PVC/Fishnet shirt has your name on the pocket. - Anonymous Coward
you have been known to shoot at the sun. - Alison
You can't wear a black wool sweater because it reminds you of your
first
love. - RACRX

Originally Posted by QueenBee

Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.

Just for the record...that could be honest. But even if it's honest, it's still a pun. Cause there is a college in the US called Oral Roberts.

Insurance Claims:

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run so I ran him over.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

[QueenBee]

What do you say to a blonde if you wanna get her in bed?
"Hi."

[spyretto]

Housewife goes to the bakery.

-"I'd like you to bake a burnt cake for me"
-"Burnt? why do you want it burnt"?
-"Then my husband will think that I made it"