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Christian beliefs and trust in the bible


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Old 26-04-2006, 02:10   #1
Rachel Rachel is offline
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Christian beliefs and trust in the bible

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The
man spoke first:

"Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants, and
what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on From the desk of Karl letterhead. There were eleven items listed:

1.Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2.Use alcohol in moderation.
3.Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4.Eat right.
5.Hank dictated this list himself.
6.The moon is made of green cheese.
7.Everything Hank says is right.
8.Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9.Don't drink.
10.Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11.Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you.

Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hanks says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But 9 says 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary blushes. John says: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary looks positively stricken. John shouts: "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary faints. John catches her: "Well, if I'd known you where one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank
kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless
cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

****

You see, it all makes no sense No reason to trust the bible Would you believe John and Mary?
~~~~~~~~~~~
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Old 26-04-2006, 10:24   #2
zelda05 zelda05 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachel
Would you believe John and Mary?
Oh yes!

Thanks for posting, Rachel.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Zelda [ yvfootie7@hotmail.com ]

Last edited by zelda05; 09-06-2006 at 10:50.
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Old 26-04-2006, 12:11   #3
dradeel dradeel is offline
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Hahahaha... I liked that one.
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I have started a blog that aims to concentrate its content on politics, economics and history, with a keen interest in American politics and the American tradition of Libertarianism and Austrian Economics.
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Old 26-04-2006, 12:24   #4
Anouk Anouk is offline
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That's a good one.. I got so annoyed reading it though, just like I get annoyed with people trying to convert me to believing in the bible and crap like that
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Old 26-04-2006, 13:06   #5
Lux Lux is offline
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i got halfway through and stopped reading. what is the bottomline? i'm lazy LOL
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Old 26-04-2006, 16:55   #6
freddie freddie is offline
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Haha. Very Clever. I like the analogy.
~~~~~~~~~~~
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Religion is an insult to human dignity. With or without it you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.
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Old 26-04-2006, 21:18   #7
madeldoe madeldoe is offline
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how is this not in the same league as lux's "hate thread"?
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Old 26-04-2006, 21:21   #8
Rachel Rachel is offline
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Probably because it doesn't call anyone names or compare Christians to gorillas

Basically because this is more subtle
~~~~~~~~~~~
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Old 26-04-2006, 21:34   #9
Ryzhov Ryzhov is offline
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Very good!
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Old 26-04-2006, 21:55   #10
Obie Obie is offline
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I NEED A MILLION DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, is it right if we just clap hands?
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Old 27-04-2006, 04:33   #11
PowerPuff Grrl PowerPuff Grrl is offline
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I would argue that this is less blatant than Lux's post, not more subtle.
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Old 27-04-2006, 16:38   #12
marina marina is offline
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Thank God I'm an atheist.
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Old 27-04-2006, 19:45   #13
11Russia 11Russia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marina
Thank God I'm an atheist.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO xDDD
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Old 27-04-2006, 22:00   #14
robbie robbie is offline
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Offtop:
marina, I love your signature!

I'm an atheist too.
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Old 28-04-2006, 20:29   #15
Lux Lux is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marina
Thank God I'm an atheist.
LMAOOOO@that. Christ, that's funny.

Offtop:
PowerPuff girl - thanks?
~~~~~~~~~~~
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I never thought it would be this clear | Lux [ light-ness@hotmail.com ]
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