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29-01-2004, 02:28 | #1 |
Phanphic Phreak
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: "The Big Apple"
Posts: 109
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The End of the Escapades (sigh...)
With these three chapters, Yuli and Lena's long, strange trip through the twisted mind of Me Am Hulk comes to a close. (And you thought IVAN'S mind was creepy! )
(Author's Note: Muchas Gracias to Darje for helping me get Yulia's saucy Spanish correct!) The t.A.T.u. Escapades! By Me Am Hulk Episode VI: ALL GROW'D UP - 2021, Eighteen Years Later... (Chapter Ten) WHEN WE LAST LEFT OUR HEROINES... EXT. - BAR & GRILL - NIGHT Yulia is clutching a hat full of roubles. Her face is as red as a boiled beet as she says her goodbyes to the Katina/Sorokin family. The crowd from the restaurant walks by, each person YELPING and CHEERING for the Girls (Er... Women). Mark Renton gives Yulia and Lena a high-five. MARK RENTON: (Sings.) THEY'RE NOT GAUNNAE GIT US! REST OF CROWD: (Sings.) NAS NE DAGONYIAT!!! YULIA: (To Vladimir) Aw dude, I am like... So, SO, sorry for doin' the liplock with your woman. VLADIMIR: Mmm-hmm. YULIA: It was just... you know, the LIGHTS, the MUSIC, the CROWD... I got carried away with the old stage routine... VLADIMIR: Mmm-hmm. YULIA: You're not gonna smack me in the head are you? VLADIMIR: Well-l-l-l-l... I think Elena's smacked you enough to last a life time. Yulia hops down to one knee and starts kissing Vladimir's hand. YULIA: Oh THANK YOU, THANK YOU! You're the bestest! 'Cause if that got back to Peaches... DUDE! She would tear me a new one... You are so, so, very COOL... VLADIMIR: Well, uh, thank you. YULIA: ... I mean, if you were a chick, I would give you the biggest, juiciest, sloppiest KISS right now... Elena yanks Yulia back on to her feet. ELENA: OH-KAY, that's as far as you go tonight! Lenochka tugs Yulia's pant leg. LENOCHKA: I could use a kiss! YULIA: Ooooooh! You little life-saver, you! Of COURSE I'll give you a kiss, Li'l Rusty-Locks! (To Elena.) May I? ELENA: (Smirks.) Just go easy on the juice and the slop, deal? YULIA: Deal! Yulia crouches down and gives Lenockha a chaste peck on the cheek. Then, she sweeps Lenochka into her arms and dances around the sidewalk with her. Lenochka GIGGLES her cutsey-wootsey little head off, Yulia SQUEALS with delight. ELENA: Hey, remember what I said! YULIA: You said juice and slop! You didn't say anything about SUGARY SWEETNESS! Yulia hands Lenochka over to Vladimir. Elena takes Yulia by the arm. ELENA: Yuli dear, promise to do three things for me? YULIA: Yes? ELENA: Be good to your wife. YULIA: Yes, ma'am! ELENA: Don't chase after every pair of heaving bosoms you see. You don't want to push your luck... YULIA: (Groans.) Yes mother, and the third thing? Elena grins an evil grin. ELENA: THINK FAST! Elena WHACKS Yulia in the head... for old time's sake. YULIA: HEY! ELENA: Gotcha! YULIA: Raggedy Asshole. ELENA: Bryan Fairy. The two women GIGGLE and hug. Their embrace is interrupted by the faint WAIL of POLICE SIRENS. YULIA: Whoa-boy. ELENA & VLADIMIR: YULI? YULIA: Looks like it's my cue to skidoo! Yuli hands the hat full of roubles to the Sorokins. YULIA: This oughta cover that lovely dinner I treated you to! (Kisses Vladimir) Be good to my ex, big boy! (Kisses Lenochka) Be good to your folks kiddo, but don't let them turn you into a tight-ass! (Kisses Elena) That from my son to you. (Kisses her again.) That one's from my daughter. (Kisses her again.) That one's from Peaches. (Nibbles Elena's earlobe.) MMMM! And that's from ME to you, you flame-haired MAMACITA CON LAS TETAS MAS GRANDES DE TODO EL MUNDO! AY, MI DIOSA! SU CULITO DULCE ES TAN BONITO, YO LE QUIERO DAR UNA TUNDA DURO Y FINO!! GRR-R-ROOOWWWWWR-R-R-R!!! VLADIMIR: Uh, Yuli? Those sirens are getting closer... YULIA: Whoops! Yulia leaps into the drivers seat of her Monster Humvee. She REVS the engine. YULIA: (Shouts over the engine noise.) Come visit me in the States sometime, you guys! (To the Cops.) YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, YOU NEO-FASCIST STOOGES! Yulia's Monster Humvee peels away from the Bar & Grill, flattening four more dinky Russian cars. A flotilla of squad cars WAILS after her. Elena, Vladimir and Lenochka stand in the wake of Yulia's trail of destruction. ELENA: Well! Once again Yulia bum-rushes into my life, unleashes the hounds of hell, flips my world arse- over-teacups, and leaves me to pick up the pieces! What HAVE I forgotten to do? LENOCHKA: I dunno, Mommy. ELENA: (Snaps fingers.) Oh yes! Now I remember! I forgot to faint! Vladimir? Elena collapses into her husbands arms. |
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29-01-2004, 02:30 | #2 |
Phanphic Phreak
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: "The Big Apple"
Posts: 109
|
Escapade Epilogue: Lena
The t.A.T.u. Escapades!
By Me Am Hulk Episode VI: ALL GROW'D UP - 2021, Eighteen Years Later... EPILOGUE ONE - LENA: INT. - OBSTETRICS - DAY Elena Katina Sorokinova is in the throes of labor. Her belly is swollen with nine months worth of human cargo. Her eyes are bulging out of their sockets, her teeth are grit together as a GROAN escapes her throat. She ain't her usual pretty self. As a matter a fact, she looks damn silly. The OBSTETRICIAN hovers over her. OBSTETRICIAN: Keep breathing, Elena! You're gonna make it! ELENA: GRRRRRAAAAAAARRRRRR! Vladimir - her husband - is at the door, holding a mini-DV camera. VLADIMIR: You're doing just fine, honey! Breathe with the contractions! C'mon! Little Lenochka is standing on a stool, jumping up and down excitedly. She is wearing a cheerleader costume with two huge pom-poms. LENOCHKA: (Chanting) Push mommy, push! PUSH PUSH PUSH!!! Grit those teeth, and GIVE A BIG PUSH!!! Elena HUFFS, PUFFS, and GROWLS. OBSTETRICIAN: I can see the baby crowning, Just a little ways to go! VLADIMIR: Ohhhh, I can't believe I'm getting this all on video! ELENA: Vlad, you point that lens away from my... thing this instant! OOOOWWWWWWWW! Lenochka squat-thrusts on the stool with the pom-poms pushing back and forth. LENOCHKA: (Chanting) PUSH 'ER OUT, SHOVE 'ER OUT, WAAAAAAAAYYYY OUT!!! Elena's eyes roll into the back of her head and lets out a great, big ROAR. OBSTETRICIAN: We've got her out! The baby's out! LENOCHKA: (Hollers) YAAAAAYYYY, TEAM!!! VLADIMIR: Ohhh, darling! She's covered in blood and snot and gunk, but she's beautiful! ELENA: (Heaves a great sigh.) Oh she is? Oh let me see her! OBSTETRICIAN: Hold on, we'll clean her up first! Aaaaaaaand... Here she is! The obstetrician holds the baby girl upside down for Elena to see. ELENA: Ohhhh, my darling child! My new little baby girl! Let me see... WHAT TH' Dripping wet with water, umbilicus still attached, the spiky-coiffed infant face of Yulia Ivanova Anastacia Blimunda Volkova greets her mother with a wide smile. LI'L BABY YULI: My sistah! WHAAAAZZZZZUUUUUUP? ELENA: HOLY HONKIN' FUCK!!! SMASH CUT TO: INT. - ELENA'S BEDROOM, 2021 - DAWN Elena bolts upright in her bed SCREAMING her russet-maned head off! She clutches her chest and regains her breath in ragged gasps. ELENA: Ohmygodohmygodohmygod ohmygodohmygodohmy-- Elena's hands reach down to her flat belly. She grabs the covers of her bed and peeks underneath. She flops back against the pillows and SIGHS. ELENA: Unbelievable. The door to her room pops open, and Lenochka enters. She places a glass of ice water on the night table. LENOCHKA: Are you okay, mommy? Elena nods, grabs the glass, and gulps down a mouthful of water. ELENA: Yeah, Lenochka. Mommy's fine. I think... LENOCHKA: (giggles) You thounded like you gave birth to a hippo! ELENA: Wha--? Gave birth? Me? Elena grabs Lenochka and gathers her into her arms. ELENA: Lenochka? How many kids do we have? Lenochka blinks once, twice, three times, and CHUCKLES. LENOCHKA: There'th jutht me, mumsie! ELENA: Really? Oh, thank GAWD! LENOCHKA: Why? Do you wanna hyth-terectomy or thome-thing? ELENA: WHAT? No, no, no! Of couse not, silly! Elena gives her daughter a big hug. ELENA: Oooooh, my widdwe baby girl! Lenochka hands her mom an envelope. LENOCHKA: Daddy thaid we juth got thith in the mail! ELENA: From who? LENOCHKA: From Yulia! Elena GULPS, and takes the envelope with a shaky hand. She opens it, and pulls out a wad of roubles with a note. ELENA: What the hell? Elena reads the note out loud. ELENA: "Dear Raggedy Arse-- um, Dear Lena, by time you read this letter, I'll have stowed me and my hummer away on a freighter bound for the States! Russian customs can be such a bi--" Elena looks over at her daughter and CLEARS her throat. ELENA: "I'm so-o-o-o-o-o-o sorry about smashing you dinky little Russkie- mobile! This ought to cover the damages. I was so happy to see your lovely little daughter and your hot, hunky, hubby! If I weren't queer I swear I'd..." Elena looks at her daughter, who smiles sweetly. Elena CLEARS her throat. ELENA: ANYWAYS, "...You simply have to visit me and Peaches and the In-Vitro Patch here in the U. S. of A! They're just dying to meet you all! Hugs and slobbery kisses, Yulia Ivanova Anastacia Blimunda Volkova." Elena SIGHS. Lenochka leans against her mother and gives her a big hug. LENOCHKA: Can we visit them sometime, Mommy? Elena GROANS, CHUCKLES, and ruffles her daughter's hair. ELENA: I think Mommy needs a little recuperation time before we pay 'em a visit, okay? (She kisses Lenochka.) Nighty-night, Rainbow-Brite! Lenochka springs from the bed. Elena reaches into the night-table and palms her meditation balls. ELENA: (Chants.) Om Padme Tara AAA-UUU-MMMM... LENOCHKA: Don't play with your balls mommy, that's gross! ELENA: Duh? Elena gawks at Lenochka, who GIGGLES and leaves the room. Elena slumps against the pillow a third time and R-O-O-O-O-O-O-L-L-L-L-L-S her eyes. ELENA: (Growls.) Ooooooooh, Yuli... If ever I get my HANDS ON YOU... |
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29-01-2004, 02:32 | #3 |
Phanphic Phreak
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: "The Big Apple"
Posts: 109
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Escapades Epilogue: Yulia
The t.A.T.u. Escapades!
By Me Am Hulk Episode VI: ALL GROW'D UP - 2021, Eighteen Years Later... EPILOGUE TWO - YULIA: EXT. - YULIA'S/PEACHES' HOUSE, GEORGIA, 2021 - DUSK The Volkova kids - CROSBY and DAVID are playing on the front lawn. Peaches is on the front porch, knitting. Yulia's Monster Humvee pulls up to the curb. CUT TO: INT. - YULIA'S HUMMER - DUSK Yulia peeks out through the windshield at the domestic scene playing out in front of her. She is clutching a box of candy and a bunch of roses with her free hand. YULIA: (murmurs) Ohhh, please let her be in a good mood. CUT TO: EXT. - YULIA'S/PEACHES' HOUSE, GEORGIA - DUSK Yulia leaps out of the Hummer, grinning a lopsided grin. Crosby and David look up from their toys and grin crookedly at Yulia. DAVID: (To Peaches) Momma! Pa's come home! Crosby skips up to Yulia. CROSBY: Howdy, Poppa! Yulia ruffles Crosby's tousled hair. YULIA: Hey there, li'l darlin'! Peaches ambles up to Yulia and Crosby, smiling sweetly, with one hand behind her back. David trails after her mother, GIGGLING. PEACHES: (Southern Accent) Well howdy, Pa! YULIA: Err... hey there, Ma! PEACHES: Did yew enjoy yore two- week visit to Moscow? YULIA: Sure did, honey! PEACHES: Yore "two week visit" that stretched out to a WHOLE MONTH? Crosby and David GIGGLE louder. Yulia shuffles her feet. YULIA: Oh! Well you know how it is! Freight Fees an' customs an' border patrols an' forged I.D.s and... Oh! Looky here! From behind her back Yulia produces the rose bouquet and the chocolate box. YULIA: For you, my Georgia Peach! PEACHES: Well land's sakes! That IS awfully sweet of yew, Julie-kins! Yulia flushes while the kids hold the flowers and candy for their Momma. PEACHES: It just so happens that I cooked up a little special something for you to welcome you home! YULIA: REALLY? Aw, Peachy-pie! You're too sweet for a rowdy butch like me! PEACHES: Some would argue. YULIA: What'cha make fer me, Peaches? Huh? What'cha make? PEACHES: (Grins evilly.) One Custard Pie! YULIA: Whoa boy, ONE CUSTARD PIE??? LEMME HAVE IT!!!@ PEACHES: With pleasure! From behind her back, Peaches whips out a large custard pie and SMASHES it into Yulia's face with a great, messy SPLAT!!! Crosby and David burst out LAUGHING! Joining in the JEERING and HOOTING is Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Lynn Michaels, as they peek over the tall fence from the yard next door. Peaches steps back to admire her handiwork. PEACHES: Ah want yew cleaned up and puttin' them kids to sleep in HALF AN HOUR, and don't yew DARE run off on any more o' them ESCAPADES, you... you... OOOOOOOO-OOOOO-OOOOOHH!!! Peaches turns about face and marches through the entrance of their humble home, SLAMMING the door shut. Yulia is left on the lawn with chunks of custard pie oozing off her face, her kids and her neighbors WHOOPING with amusement. Yulia wipes a chunk of custard off her face and licks it off one finger. YULIA: Cinammon... Brown Sugar... Phew! She still loves me! CROSBY: Momma sure got you this time, Pa! DAVID: Yew sher walked into that one Poppa Jules! YULIA: (Sighs.) Yeah, I sure did. Yulia sinks to one knee and spreads her arms out to her kids. YULIA: Give Pop a hug? CROSBY: Ewww, no way! DAVID: We been on the grass all day, and we're STILL cleaner than yew! Melissa and Tammy SHOUT over the fence. MELISSA: (Guffaws) Get them kids to bed, Poppa! TAMMY LYNN: (Snickers) And make yoreself presentable! Yulia smirks, takes Crosby and David by the hand and leads them to the front door. YULIA: It'll be so good to crawl back into my own bed... CROSBY: (Giggles.) Momma said you can't sleep indoors! DAVID: (Chuckles.) Yeah Pa, she said yore gonna have ta sleep out on the hammock agin! YULIA: The hammock... aw man, I'm gonna spend half my life on that damn hammock... FADE TO BLACK. THAT'S ALL THERE IS THERE AIN'T NO MO'. ************************************************** ************************************************** ***** NOTES: VLADIMIR SOROKIN - like Yulia Volkova, Elena Katina, and Ivan Shapovolov - is an actual person whom I have "kidnapped" to appear in my fan fiction. He is the author of what is reportedly the most controversial novel in modern Russia: "Goluboye Salo", which translates into "Gay Lard" or "Blue Lard" ("Blue" being Russian slang for "gay.") For more information about Sorokin and "Goluboye Salo", read "Letter From Russia: Teen Spirit", Gary Shteyngart's article in the March 10, 2003 issue of The New Yorker. Or just look up the author and/or title on Amazon.com. The article features both Sorokin and "The Girls," which is what gave me the perverse idea of marrying Sorokin and Ms. Katina in the first place! :P SONG & MOVIE CREDITS for all Prologues, Chapters and Epilogues. * Fred Durst was an exec for Interscope records, for a while anyway. Maybe he still is, damned if I know... ** "September" (Charles Stepney, Maurice & Verdine White) Performed by Earth, Wind, and Fire *** "Back in the USSR" (Paul McCartney) Performed by the Beatles **** "The Terminator" Written and Directed by James Cameron <>"John Ritchie" is Sid Vicious' real name. + "Teach Your Children Well," and "_____" Written and Performed by Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young ++ "Do That To Me (One More Time)," by Tenille and the Captain +++ "The Immigrant Song" (Page/Plant) Performed by Led Zeppelin +++ "Not Gonna Get Us" Performed by Napalm Death... KIDDING! @ Punchline courtesy of "Tom & Jerry in Quiet Please!" - MGM SAINT PEETAZBURG BLOODS IN FULL EFFECK, DAWG!!!! |
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29-01-2004, 03:30 | #4 |
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Awwww I'm so sadden that it's over now...I loved reading this, thank you Me Am Hulk. Your writings could aways make me smile
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