Jokes & Reads

[Mossopp]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said:
"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann:
"Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Nancy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

[QueenBee]

Mossopp, HAHAHAHA I've heard that one before... classic I just feel sorry for everyone whose name is Dick.

[Unplugged]

Originally Posted by Mossopp

At this point, the fourth mother, Nancy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Pervert!

[Mossopp]

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on it's head!"


A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you were weaving all over the road. The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here." I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me. Reaching through the side window to the rearview mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am....thats your air freshener!


A man walks into a bar and takes out a little man and a little piano. the little man starts playin the piano. the bartender goes"thats pretty cool where did ya get it?" the guy goes "theres a genie outside u look em straight in the eye and tell em what u want" so the bartender does that. he goes out looks the genie straight in the eye and says "i wanna million bucks". poof. he gets a million ducks. so the bartender storms in followed by the million ducks. he goes up to the guy and says "the genie is a jib, i asked him for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks!" the guy goes 'u think i asked for a 12 inch pianist?'


There is this lonely man sitting in a bar. A lonely lady comes over just to make friendly conversation. She asks 'What are you drinking?' He replies 'Magic Beer' She says "Oh yea... right... What are you drinking?' He replies 'MAGIC BEER' She says 'Okay...Prove it.' He gets up and flies around the building 3 times. She says to him 'I bet you couldn't do that again if your life depended on it.' So he gets up and flies around the building again 3 times. He gets back and the woman asks the bar tender for the same thing he has. She drinks it all then jumps out the window only to fall and break all the bones in her body and die. The bar tender looks over and says '...Superman, you are a real JERK when you're drunk!'

[ypsidan04]

Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID
number?
Customer: Hi, I'd just like to place an order.

Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir
Customer: My National ID Number, it's 102049998-45-54610.

Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan I see you live at 1742 Meadowland
Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number
over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is
266-2566. E-mail address is Seehan@home.net. I see you're calling
me from home.
Customer: Huh? Where'd you get all this information?

Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir.
Customer: (sighs) I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
Special pizzas.

Operator: Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very
high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National
Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice.
Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?

Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like
it.
Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?

Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your
local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.
Customer: All right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.

Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your 4 kids. Your
2 dogs can finish the crusts. Your total is $49.99.
Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your
credit card balance is over its limit.
Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver
gets here.

Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is
overdrawn also.
Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready.
How long will it take?

Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes,
sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while you're out
getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a
little awkward.
Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a bike?

Operator: It says here you're behind on your car payments, so your car
got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank
yesterday.
Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@ #

Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a
July 4, 2003 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here
in September 2005 for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge.
Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State
Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to
society?
Customer: (speechless)

Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?
Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke..

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusion clause prevents us from
offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits
this...Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!

****

You just never know what could happen with these people in power.

[thegurgi]

hahaha, i think that's awesome... what if life was like that?!

[TaTu^HeRo]

HAHAHa so cooool, u never know what happens..

[freddie]

Remember we had a joke thread a while back? It was so far back though, that I thought we'd start a new one! (if mods want to conserve space feel free to merge the two threads, or whatever).

Actually my whole motive for this thread was just so I can post a joke I heard today :

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf.

Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute, then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

[RowerB]

^ That superman joke was great. Thanks, Mossopp.

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Terence Trent
Terence Trent Who?
Well, that’s show business.

(Sorry, but this is a very old joke)

[ypsidan04]

A belated joke list in honor of St. Patricks Day:

The Errand"

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I've Lost Me Luggage"

An Irishman arrived at JFK Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman, "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~ ~

"Water to Wine"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have ya been drinkin'?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~

"The Brothel"

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Irish Cemetery

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died!"

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 - !"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Irish Predicament

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

Irish Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'

[taty994945]

Listmania!

[forre]

An afternoon meeting between Condolezzia Rice and George W. Bush.

- Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
- Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
- Great. Lay it on me.
- Hu is the new leader of China.
- That's what I want to know.
- That's what I'm telling you, Mr. Bush.
- That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
- Yes.
- I mean the fellow's name.
- Hu.
- The guy in China.
- Hu.
- The new leader of China.
- Hu.
- The Chinaman!
- Hu is leading China.
- Now whaddya' asking me for?
- I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
- Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
- That's the man's name.
- That's who's name?
- Yes.
- Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
- Yes, sir.
- Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
- That's correct.
- Then who is in China?
- Yes, sir.
- Yassir is in China?
- No, sir.
- Then who is?
- Yes, sir.
- Yassir?
- No, sir.
- Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
- Kofi?
- No, thanks.
- Do you want Kofi?
- No.
- You don't want Kofi.
- No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
- Yes, sir.
- Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
- Kofi?
- Milk! Will you please make the call?
- And call who?
- Who is the guy at the U.N?
- Hu is the guy in China.
- Will you stay out of China?!
- Yes, sir.
- And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
- Kofi.
- All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone!

[nath]

very good one !

[QueenBee]

Hahahahha! Probably the best political joke I've ever heard.

[luxxi]

Originally Posted by forre

An afternoon meeting between Condolezzia Rice and George W. Bush.

Just be carefuly you don't trip on it's beard.......

[KillaQueen]

forre, Great one!

[taty994945]

That was really funny, lol.

[KillaQueen]

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is known for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients.
The first patient they visit is a young woman practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society."
The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, "What are you doing?" "I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out."
Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man with his penis in a jar of peanuts.
"My God!" said the psychiatrist, "What are you doing?". The man replied: "I'm fcuking nuts! I'll never get out of here!"

[forre]

Immigration office.

Officer: Your name?
Appliant: Abi Del Assalam
Officer: Sex?
Appliant: Four times a week.
Officer: No, no .. I mean male or female?
Appliant: Hmm, female, male and sometimes camel.

[la aurora]

Actual transcript of the talk that took place between americans and spanishmen on the radio channel 106 'Extreme situations in the sea' 16th October 1997, Finisterra strait.

Spanishmen: *sound nose* ... A-853 is talking.. please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoide a collision with us. You are going right on us, the distance is 25 sea miles.

Americans: *sound noise on the background* ... we advise you to divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision...

Spanishmen: The answer is negative. We repeat, please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: *in a louder voice* This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Spanishmen: We dont think your suggestion is either possible or reasonable. We still strongly advise you to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision with us.

Americans: *in the really loud voice* THIS IS RICHARD JAMES HOWARD THE CAPTAIN OF THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Spanishmen: This is Juan Manuel Salas Alkantara. We are just 2 men here. We are accompanied by our dog, dinner, 2 bottles of beer and a canary that's sleeping at the moment. We count on support of radio "Cadena Dial de La Coruna" and channel 106 "Extreme situations in the sea". We have no intention of diverting our course any as we are situated on the continent and appear to be the lighthouse A-586 of the Finisterra Strait Galician sea-cost of Spain. We have no idea what place we take in the rating of the biggest spanish lighthouses. You can take all your damn measures you believe are needed to ensure the safety of your damn ship that's about to crash into the rocks at the moment. That's why we once again recommend you to do the only reasonable thing in this situation: divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Your call.

Americans: Ok, got it. Thank you.


Well this is some old joke. Some say it's 10 years old, some say 30-40, some that it took place between americans and canadians, some that it isnt joke at all. But its quite popular in RUnet and quite funny IMHO. Sorry for my english, i suck in translating lol