a songfic....sorta.

[amikana]

well this is a songfic, it's just not that good. this is my first attempt at writing anything like this. i'm usually not much for writing fiction, just reading other people's. so yeah, if you feel the need to rip me apart for this, i suppose that's alright. just keep in mind how new to this i am. thanks everyone.

as of right now, it's untitled. and the song is by alanis morrisette. be warned: it's not a happy fic.

i went to your house, walked up the stairs
opened your door without ringing the bell
i walked down the hall, into your room
where i could smell you
and i shouldn't be here, without permission
shouldn't be here
would you forgive me love, if i danced in your shower
would you forgive me love, if i laid in your bed
would you forgive me love, if i stayed all afternoon

No, you probably wouldn't, would you? Which is why i've been careful not to disturb much. I told myself that I just wanted to see the house again that it had nothing to do with you, that I was over you finally and that this was just a test of that...and I continued to tell myself that even as I put my key in the lock and let myself in. Funny that you never changed the locks. I would have thought it would have been one of the first things on your list to do after...

I knew when I walked in though. I knew that I had never really been over you, when I smelled vanilla, when I saw the traces of you everywhere (in the house and in my mind, in my memories) and I felt my heart lurch. I knew I wasn't over you. Part of me laughed hysterically and shouted "Of course, you never were you idiot!" and was glad that I still love you - because if my love for you has survived then that means you must still love me too. I realized with a start that my love for you was the real reason I was so intent on this, on coming back to the house, why I'd been watching these past few weeks. Watching, waiting, longing...For you, always for you.

I took off my clothes, put on your robe
went through your drawers and found your cologne
i went down to the den, found your cds
and i played your Joni
and i shouldn't stay long, you might be home soon
shouldn't stay long
would you forgive me love, if i danced in your shower
would you forgive me love, if i laid in your bed
would you forgive me love, if i stayed all afternoon

Ah, so many good memories in this bedroom. Especially those concerning your robe...because almost 90% of the time you wore it, I tried to coax you out of it. Quite successfully, most of the time.

At this point, I'm well beyond denying why I'm here. I need this, I need you. I need to completely reimmerse myself in you - like we used to be. With your robe on I can almost feel your arms around me again and with this cd on and the smell of you all around me and the fact that I can literally feel your prescence here...I'm finally home again. This is where I'm meant to be, after all and now all my patient waiting has finally paid off and now all i have to do is wait for you to get home because you'll obviously be overjoyed to see me and you'll run into my arms and you'll cry and tell me how much you love me and.... Because you've been just as lonely and depressed and half-mad with longing as I have been - so much so that I've really forgotten why we were separated, what evil forces must have ripped us apart? What connived against our untouchable and invincible happiness? Well, it doesn't matter because now, now we can resume our lives together, just like I've dreamed, dreamed so long, all those months.....always together, no matter what.

I burned your incense, I ran a bath
I noticed a letter that sat on your desk
it said "hello love - I love you so, love - meet me at midnight"
and no, it wasn't my writing
i better go soon, it wasn't my writing

Incredulous, I could do nothing but read the letter over and over - the elegant script so unlike the haphazard scrawl of my choppy writing. I started shaking then, uncontrollably. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, against the flow of painful memories that I had so skillfully repressed for so long. I didn't want to remember the fight we had, didn't want to rememberwhat you told me that night...that you didn't love me anymore. That you'd found someone who could really make you happy, 'cause I didn't anymore. And then you spoke a name, one that I've never repeated, in fear that it would make it seem all too real, too real for my already fragile mind to handle.

Through the tears, I look around the room again and I notice all the things I'd previously missed: photographs with you smiling and laughing, that didn't include me. I was nowhere to be found in any of them, anywhere. The wardrobe that now holds the unmistakable cut of men's clothing. The letters on your desk, addressed to you but with a different last name.

How did all this change? Why? Why did this happen to us? Why did you say that to me, why did you make me this crazy? The tears ran from my eyes as if terrified of the apocolaypse to come. They were right to run so fiercely. My heart breaks over and over again as your words continue to rebound in my head "I don't love you anymore, Yulia".
Why, Lena? Where did I go so wrong in loving you?

so forgive me love, if i cry in your shower
so forgive me love, for the salt in your bed
so forgive me love, if i cry all afternoon

- finished.

well there it is. er....i hope it's not too bad.
[runs away to hide]

amikana

[parrish122]

Hide? Are you kidding?

I like this, quite a bit! There certainly is no rule that fanfics have to have a happy ending.

You get across the longing and desperation *very* well, and I think everyone who has had a relationship end when they didn't want it to end, will be able to relate to this to some degree.

Nice work.

Parrish

[amikana]

Originally posted by parrish122
Hide? Are you kidding?

I like this, quite a bit! There certainly is no rule that fanfics have to have a happy ending.

You get across the longing and desperation *very* well, and I think everyone who has had a relationship end when they didn't want it to end, will be able to relate to this to some degree.

Nice work.

Parrish

omg, you have no idea how much it means to me for you to say that. thank you *so* much Parrish, you're the best.

amikana

[warx]

i wonder how u guys do it... i mean, parrish, PT, vicky,saffron, modern,etc are great fanfic writters....darje, thevolkovaddct nataku,tdfk,karxwp,etc are great wallpaper makers(designers)... and u on the other hand... a song writtes... hmmmm......pretty impressive...

[rivierakid]

*pulls out amikana from her hiding place* Now, now. We'll have none of that. Besides, there's nothing to hide from. That was really good! Good song too. Me likes it muchly.

I hope you'll write something new as well. You're really good. Nice work on this one! (Wait for it...wait for it.......) You rock!

[guesshoo]

ummmm, one question:
why are you hiding?

that was awesome! i love the whole suspense of which girl it was thinking all of these thoughts, that was pretty cool!

keep up the work amikana, you have my support.

[amikana]

much thanks to all of you. you're all *great*.

amikana

[volvovolkova]

i just wanted to tell you how much i appreciate your use of alanis' song in this fic... i love that song so much it hurts... i remember playing it when my ex-girlfriend broke up with me... and i'm so glad you found a way to use it through t.A.T.u. fanfic... EXCELLENT!

[amikana]

Originally posted by volvovolkova
i just wanted to tell you how much i appreciate your use of alanis' song in this fic... i love that song so much it hurts... i remember playing it when my ex-girlfriend broke up with me... and i'm so glad you found a way to use it through t.A.T.u. fanfic... EXCELLENT!

i very much love this song as well. fortunately i've never been able to relate to it personally - but the emotion still speaks to me. something about how it's just her voice and it's so incredibly raw...

i'm glad you liked it

amikana

[Lena410]

I love this one. It's very good. I love the part where you describe Yulia's denial. Great!
you are really talented! *g*