Dear Red States:
We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided
we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other
Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe
this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of
the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get
stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get
Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay
their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian
Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single
moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and
we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need
people to fight, ask your evangelicals.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the
country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92
percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines
(you can serve French wines at your state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese,
90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all
living redwoods,
sequoias and condors, all the Ivy League and Seven Sister schools, plus
Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88
percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92
percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90
percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob
Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you!
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless
we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that
evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in
9/11...and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with
higher morals than we lefties.
By the way, we're taking the good pot, too.You can have that dirt weed they
grow in Mexico.
Sincerely,
Author Unknown in New California.
Sounds good to me. What are we waiting for?
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