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I have an enormous crush on a co-worker of mine.
His name is Nicholas, and he's my first experience with actually
considering a romantic interest in another male. [Not to say
that I take an interest in females - instead, that I never had
any kind of attraction for another guy which wasn't strictly
sexual.] When he's closeby, adrenaline fuels my emotions and
makes me want him ever more - when he's not there, I crave
his presence and find myself thinking of him almost constantly.
He's the only person I've met who's capable of bringing forth
this rush of emotion inside myself which to me feels a little
fidgety, a little awkward, but incredibly happy.
A factor to be considered : I'm not sure whether or not he's
also a homosexual.
His actions imply that he might be, but discretion disallows my
finding out. He doesn't talk about liking girls, and he's more or
less an introvert about most topics. Intuition tells me that he
evidently is - logic still entertains the possibility that he might be
straight. In about two weeks, I'd quickly become one of his
closer friends at work. And, to further add to my attraction for
him, I have a sneaking suspicion that he might like me, too.
So I find myself pondering each side to a constructed truth. It
might be that the feverish affection I have for him is mutual.
It might also be that I could be crushing on a straight guy who
would be weirded out at the thought of my wanting him. It
could be that he's also a homosexual but just not attracted to
me, or it could be that he's bisexual and has a crush on loads
of people, whether including or excluding me.
The point is simple.
It doesn't matter, in this context, what the truth is. It matters
that I spend an hour each night updating an online journal
about how much I love him. It matters that the best thing
I've come to know is just to see him smile. It matters that I
feel the intense surge of adoration for him whenever I get to
hear his laugh, and it matters that I devote so much gratitude
to him for being able to evoke what'd been a dormant emotion
in me beforehand : romantic interest.
Think of how hopelessly broken and pathetic I'd then feel if
all of this -- the emotion, the times in his company, the nights
and days thinking of him, the dedication to scripting my
feelings among acquaintances online, the fact that I'm almost
addicted to him -- were rendered as wasted. Imagine the
abject self-hatred which would arise if I allowed myself to
forget that he'd been the one who let me experience this
freedom of being in love with another male for the first time.
Consider what it's allowed you to become - not what it
should have done for you, not what you wanted it to be, not
what it could potentially do to you.
What you have is the past and today - appreciate it.
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