uhaku, I can really relate to the feeling u r talking about now. It's been my curse for ages... trying to find perfection in something u do and always failing.. day after day.. week after week.. failing miserably and getting more and more frustrated with every day. And this fear of something u've done being not the best u could do is destructive. It leads to problems one better doesn't have. U know, I've been going to that Arts school for 5 damn years. I felt like I could draw... like I could fix all the mistakes and flaws I was seeing in works of others in my own piece of shit. Like I felt the perfect way but it never worked out in the end. And I began leaving my works half-done.. because it the only way to get close to perfection - leave space for improvement, leave urself moral right to think something special can come out in the end. And never letting this end happen... The feeling that last point is there and nothing else can be done was feeling like the death of what I was doing for me. Frustrating death as thought of how else it could be done would never leave me. I ended having lots of unfinished works in my room and ideas that never got chance to live. I even didn't come to the very last exam.. it wasn't exam even.. was the presentation of works done during last summer practice. I never came to that school to get my diploma.. I had no right to. It just had to be as unfinished as other things I've done there were. I wasn't something I could live with.
I've been trying myself in writing lol I got my stories and poems posted in local newspaper. I was getting applauses from people thinking I had something they didn't have. I hated those expectations they've put on me as my own were way higher and it seemed like they were happy with me writing real shit and were encouraging me to do it that way. Sometimes I find some of those writings in old notepads and copybooks. I try to read them and though I still can feel that nerve I had there, I feel ashamed for every damn word I wrote and throw them to the basket to never see them again. I got rid of most of those by now =)
But u know what's fucked up? Universal perfection just doesn't exist and most of things that are perfect, are not worth it. Dot (.) is perfect in it's simplicity. There's nothing so finishished and perfectly-shaped when it comes to writing. Whenever ur writing is longer than this one dot, it's not perfect already and will never be no matter how hard u try. And the longer, the more descriptive and detailed ur writing is, the more space for mistakes and misinterpretations left and the futher it is from perfection. Things are just like that. You can't change it. I mean.. we are all just lame humans, u know. If I said ur book was perfect, I would lie. I can swear that many would find places in it, descriptions of feelings they can't relate to. But it's meant to be this way. U can't fit everyone's expectations. U can't make a solid picture of the pieces of many different puzzles. Things just don't work this way. U can say u did see books and other things u thought were perfect. But how many other people didn't see what u saw there? And are u sure author is so keen on the result him/herself? May be u should stop trying to fit everyone's taste at the same time and just concentrate on ur own feelings and the way u see things. It doesn't really matter what me, nath, sooz, whoever on this forum would do in some situation. It's always about the character.. his/her way of living this life. And it's always about u, coz in the end.. ur character IS u.. reflected, inversed, modified but still u. So reading ur own writing is like looking in the mirror: not always flattering but nessesary to learn to live with. I don't really know, but may be real talent is abot that... ability to accept ur own imperfection and learning to live with that improoving, trying new ways but never looking back?
U should let it go. This book u wrote was good. It did touch the nerve of its readers and even if there were just one single word that made someone feel something.. it was worth it. U can go and change what u wrote now, u can be thinking of what u should write differently back then but u'll never get what u want. I'd be a different book with it's own flaws.. U did feel what u were writing. It wasn't writing for the sake of writing and any reader can see it. So for that particular moment it was right to write this way. U were on different moment of ur life and if u see things differently now, it doesn't mean what u did then doesn't have right to be. Ur readers are also each at there stage of life and they can relate to what u felt then and dont feel now. Leave it behind, stop thinking about how things should be, turn it to something u can look back and say proudly 'Yeah.. *I* did it. I wrote a book that made people feel'. U can't keep living with this all ur life unless u dont want to make 'How I was writing one book' book ur all-life work. U r too good for that, girl. Go on, put all the experience u have now into something else. It doesn't have to be writing even. U got this feeling of style. One just sees it by the way u made ur site look, by ur writing.. everything. It won't go away whatever u do. If u are fed up with writing now, try something else.. if u still feel u have something to say, go on and wtite another book. I really hope that '666' won't become the best book of ur life. But u did something worthy already, u let some of ur talent out.. it's just admirable for me personally. Now u should forget about expectations of others and just try to do ur best whatever u r doing. And I really wish u luck and envy ur talent
I mean it.