With these three chapters, Yuli and Lena's long, strange trip through the twisted mind of Me Am Hulk comes to a close. (And you thought IVAN'S mind was creepy!
)
(Author's Note: Muchas Gracias to Darje for helping me get Yulia's saucy Spanish correct!)
The t.A.T.u. Escapades!
By Me Am Hulk
Episode VI: ALL GROW'D UP - 2021, Eighteen Years Later... (Chapter Ten)
WHEN WE LAST LEFT OUR HEROINES...
EXT. - BAR & GRILL - NIGHT
Yulia is clutching a hat full of roubles. Her face is as red as a boiled beet as she says her
goodbyes to the Katina/Sorokin family. The crowd from the restaurant walks by, each person YELPING
and CHEERING for the Girls (Er... Women). Mark Renton gives Yulia and Lena a high-five.
MARK RENTON:
(Sings.)
THEY'RE NOT GAUNNAE
GIT US!
REST OF CROWD:
(Sings.)
NAS NE DAGONYIAT!!!
YULIA:
(To Vladimir)
Aw dude, I am like...
So, SO, sorry for
doin' the liplock
with your woman.
VLADIMIR:
Mmm-hmm.
YULIA:
It was just... you know,
the LIGHTS, the MUSIC, the
CROWD... I got carried away
with the old stage routine...
VLADIMIR:
Mmm-hmm.
YULIA:
You're not gonna smack
me in the head are you?
VLADIMIR:
Well-l-l-l-l... I think
Elena's smacked you enough
to last a life time.
Yulia hops down to one knee and starts kissing Vladimir's hand.
YULIA:
Oh THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
You're the bestest!
'Cause if that got back to
Peaches... DUDE! She would
tear me a new one...
You are so, so, very COOL...
VLADIMIR:
Well, uh, thank you.
YULIA:
... I mean, if you were a
chick, I would give you the
biggest, juiciest, sloppiest
KISS right now...
Elena yanks Yulia back on to her feet.
ELENA:
OH-KAY, that's as far as you go
tonight!
Lenochka tugs Yulia's pant leg.
LENOCHKA:
I could use a kiss!
YULIA:
Ooooooh! You little life-saver,
you! Of COURSE I'll give you a
kiss, Li'l Rusty-Locks!
(To Elena.)
May I?
ELENA:
(Smirks.)
Just go easy on the juice and
the slop, deal?
YULIA:
Deal!
Yulia crouches down and gives Lenockha a chaste peck on the cheek. Then, she sweeps Lenochka
into her arms and dances around the sidewalk with her. Lenochka GIGGLES her cutsey-wootsey
little head off, Yulia SQUEALS with delight.
ELENA:
Hey, remember what I said!
YULIA:
You said juice and slop! You
didn't say anything about
SUGARY SWEETNESS!
Yulia hands Lenochka over to Vladimir. Elena takes Yulia by the arm.
ELENA:
Yuli dear, promise to do
three things for me?
YULIA:
Yes?
ELENA:
Be good to your wife.
YULIA:
Yes, ma'am!
ELENA:
Don't chase after every pair of
heaving bosoms you see. You don't
want to push your luck...
YULIA:
(Groans.)
Yes mother, and the third thing?
Elena grins an evil grin.
ELENA:
THINK FAST!
Elena WHACKS Yulia in the head... for old time's sake.
YULIA:
HEY!
ELENA:
Gotcha!
YULIA:
Raggedy Asshole.
ELENA:
Bryan Fairy.
The two women GIGGLE and hug.
Their embrace is interrupted by the faint WAIL of POLICE SIRENS.
YULIA:
Whoa-boy.
ELENA & VLADIMIR:
YULI?
YULIA:
Looks like it's my
cue to skidoo!
Yuli hands the hat full of roubles to the Sorokins.
YULIA:
This oughta cover that lovely
dinner I treated you to!
(Kisses Vladimir)
Be good to my ex, big boy!
(Kisses Lenochka)
Be good to your folks kiddo,
but don't let them turn you
into a tight-ass!
(Kisses Elena)
That from my son to you.
(Kisses her again.)
That one's from my daughter.
(Kisses her again.)
That one's from Peaches.
(Nibbles Elena's earlobe.)
MMMM! And that's from ME
to you, you flame-haired
MAMACITA CON LAS TETAS MAS GRANDES
DE TODO EL MUNDO! AY, MI DIOSA!
SU CULITO DULCE ES TAN BONITO,
YO LE QUIERO DAR UNA TUNDA DURO
Y FINO!! GRR-R-ROOOWWWWWR-R-R-R!!!
VLADIMIR:
Uh, Yuli? Those sirens are
getting closer...
YULIA:
Whoops!
Yulia leaps into the drivers seat of her Monster Humvee. She REVS the engine.
YULIA:
(Shouts over the
engine noise.)
Come visit me in the States
sometime, you guys!
(To the Cops.)
YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME
ALIVE, YOU NEO-FASCIST
STOOGES!
Yulia's Monster Humvee peels away from the Bar & Grill, flattening four more dinky Russian cars.
A flotilla of squad cars WAILS after her.
Elena, Vladimir and Lenochka stand in the wake of Yulia's trail of destruction.
ELENA:
Well! Once again Yulia
bum-rushes into my life,
unleashes the hounds of
hell, flips my world arse-
over-teacups, and leaves
me to pick up the pieces!
What HAVE I forgotten to
do?
LENOCHKA:
I dunno, Mommy.
ELENA:
(Snaps fingers.)
Oh yes! Now I remember!
I forgot to faint!
Vladimir?
Elena collapses into her husbands arms.