[Winkie]

Open letter to Joost..

And I keep thinking about Mark when I saw him in the towncenter, and about Joost.. I don't know. I hate the guy who did it. I hate him I hate him I hate him. But I don't want to! Cuz a negative connection is also a connection. And I don't want that. I miss Joost so bad..
Louis asked if I wanted to go to querelle tonight, but I can't. Might sound stupid but, everything there, every fucking chair, centimeter on the dancfloor, doesnt matter what, reminds me of Joost and Mark and everything, all the times we were having fun there, every time we were dancing together. Every time he came to me with his puppyface and asked for money for a beer and asking if I might have a cig for you. He stole that puppylook frmo me. All the times I was dancing with Mark or Meine and that at once I felt a hand on my ass and turned around and saw you standing there, feeling locked out.and how I put my arms around your neck and took you with me on the dancfloor, how we drank a beer together and shared a cig and how we didnt let go of one another all through the night.
All the times how i sat in your lap, tired from dancing, against the wall. your arms around my middle, my arms around your neck.i miss you so bad joost. and i can't believe it, i dont want to believe it. i want you to come back. to walk into querelle and be okay..
People have asked me if i want to celebrate christmas in querelle this year, like last year, but i dont think so. it will never be the way it used to be.. with you, ramon, nina, mark, meine, and amber.. so many things have happened this past year to our group, but this was def. the worst..
I remember so many things. so much things i couldnt remember, but i do now. the talks we´ve had at the lake, at the tapas restaurant, when you came to pick me up after school, every time in querelle. it must have been douzens of times, but right now it seems like one dark night, with some scary ending..
There are so many things i wish i would have told you.. so many things we wanted to do.. we had so many plans, so many things we were going to do together, where we wanted to go together. and I know.. your body is gone, but you´re still with me in my heart. you´re only truelly dead when everybody has forgotten about you, and we can never forget you.. therefor, you were too much one of our group, a part of us. and you still are. there is an empty spot in our middle, and nobody can handle that, or replace you. we miss you so bad..
we miss the boy who came to us whenever he saw us.. you never said a simple `hi` and walked on. No, you always came to us, hugged everyone, kissed the girls, and told us how much you cared about us, how we were never allowed to forget that, never allowed to forget how much you loved us. stupid, but whenever i think of that now, how you kept telling us that every time, it feels like you knew you´d leave at once.
There are so many things we were going to do together Joost. We were going to Leiden or Utrecht this holiday, we were going to the lake one eve one of these days, to smoke a joint and watch the stars. You were going to play me a song on your guitar. But it's not going to happen. It will never ever happen..
You were only 22 for god's sake Joost! That's way too early to die! I don't want to lose any more friends to death. You'd think that after everyone it would've been enough, but no, you had to go too. I dont understand. Yeah, sometimes you had some extremistic idea's, but they were never in the way. You loved all your friends the way they were, and these kinds of things were never in between us. You were interested in my point of view, as I was in yours. We've had such great discussions.. I will miss them. I will miss your opinion. I will miss everything about you. I miss your arms around my middle, the way you hugged me and kissed my neck all the time, the ways you've tried to flirt with me, every time I saw you.. :P But it didn't always work out hahahaha.. It truelly was a game between you and me. I miss it boy! I miss it so bad! I miss your hugs and your conversations. I miss your eyes and I miss your kisses! I want another kiss Joost. I want a kiss, the kind of kiss only you could give.. Such an incredible sweet "You're a very special girl" kiss.. And a hug with that, and a hand that took my tears away when I couldnt handle things any more. And now they keep on flowing, but you're not here to kiss them away. Why not?
Dear Joost, I don't know where you are now, but I hope, that whereever it might be, you're happy there..
Like you said once: "I think dying is worse for the ones left behind, than for the one who's dying". I don't know what you went through, but it's so bad for us Joost. It hurts so bad..
It's killing me, even my folks notice, and you know, they hardly notice negative things with me.. But they do now. I hardly sleep anymore, I hardly eat, I lose weight like crazy and look like a dead one.. Ain't it lovely..?
But dear dear dear Joost.. I hope you're so happy, where ever you are, and I hope.. That you didn't suffer too much, and I hope you know we all miss you so bad and we love you like crazy.. And that, when I'm there where you are now, we're gonna party like hell, we're gonna have a great time.
Dear Joost, I love you, and I miss you. And none of those will disappear soon. Probably never.. But I will survive this, I will get through. You know that too. But please know, that you'll have a place in my heart and in my head forever, and that I miss you so incredibly bad..
Dear Joost, sleep tight..

Kisses, Anne