At long last, Yulia and Lena have overcome all obstacles to their love
and settle into sweet, sugar-coated domestic bliss...
...Or at least the above would have happened if SOMEONE ELSE was writing
this fanfic. Too bad this is a ME AM HULK production! ;-)
t.A.T.u!
in
"A Pup Named tRIuMPh! (Valentine's Day)"
by
Me Am Hulk
FADE IN:
THE TIME: FEBRUARY FOURTEENTH
EXT. - THE VOLKOVA/KATINA RESIDENCE - DAY
The house is small, humble, but well kept. The front door has an image of Cupid posted on it.
The windows are trimmed with a series of glossy cut-out Valentine hearts. A banner on the
picket fence reads: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
CUT TO:
INT. - THE VOLKOVA/KATINA LIVING ROOM - DAY
The living room is painted pink, with red and white rose bouquets on the table,
the TV set, and the lamp table.
LENA KATINA prances across the carpet with a carpet sweeper. She wears a
pink apron with a big red valentine heart over the chest. She SINGS while
she sweeps.
LENA:
(Sings.)
Diz-zy-y! I'm so-o
DIZ-ZEE-EE! My head
is spin-in'!
Like a WHIRL-POOL!
It never ends!
And it's YOU GIR-RL!
Makin' it spin!
You're makin' me
DIZ-ZEE-EE!*
The front door lock CLICKS open. Lena stops singing and sweeping. Her face breaks
into a sweet smile...
...as YULIA VOLKOVA, Lena's common-law husband opens the door. She wipes her workboots
on the welcome mat and steps into the living room. Yulia is wearing a dark blue set of
overalls, a hardhat, carries a metal lunchbox in one arm and cradles a gift wrapped box
in the other. Her face is covered with a few grease and grime streaks. She closes the door
with her foot, drops her lunchbox and spreads her arms...
YULIA:
(Sing-Song.)
Honey-y-y-y-y!
I'm HO-O-O-OME!
LENA:
Oooooh! Yuli-kins!
Lena skips across the living room, red tresses trailing behind her. The two girls embrace.
Yulia gives Lena a chaste peck on her nose. Lena GIGGLES and starts nuzzling Yulia's grimy
cheeks.
YULIA:
Whoa! Don't get
yourself dirty, Rusty
Locks!
LENA:
I don't mind getting
a little DRRTY with
my Pixie Queen on our
favorite holiday!
YULIA:
In that case, I've
got you a little
somethin' somethin'
you won't mind
DRRTYING up!
Yulia hands her the gift box.
YULIA:
For you, Rainbow Brite!
LENA:
My goodness gracious!
YULIA:
Go on, open it up!
Lena bounces onto the couch, places the gift box on her lap, and neatly undoes the ribbon
and wrapping. She opens the lid and SQUEALS.
LENA:
Oh you SHOULDN'T have!
YULIA:
(Grins.)
Oh yes, I should!
Lena holds up a pink "peek-a-boo" nightgown ensemble with a pink thong and sheer red nylons.
LENA:
What a naughty little gift!
YULIA:
It comes with pasties and
streamers too!
LENA:
So you've been down to
"that store," have you?
YULIA:
I may have!
LENA:
What a pleasant surprise!
I have a surprise for you
too!
YULIA:
You do?
Lena sashays over to Yulia and strokes her chin.
LENA:
We have a new arrival to
our humble abode!
Yulia GASPS.
YULIA:
You've gone to the
sperm bank?
Lena GIGGLES.
LENA:
No, silly monkey! Why
don't you go get cleaned
up, and you'll see it when
you come back, M'kay?
Yulia smiles slyly.
YULIA:
Okay, Rosie Stockings. I'll
be back in two shakes of a
stripper's tail!
Lena swats Yulia playfully, and pushes her toward the bathroom.
LENA:
Oh you stop that!
Hurry along, sweetheart!
YULIA:
I will, honey-bunch!
Yulia crosses the living room and disappears into the bathroom.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. - BATHROOM - DAY
Yulia, now dressed in a white tank-top and black trousers, is wiping
her cheeks with a towel.
YULIA:
(Sings.)
Yuli's little baby
loves oysters, oysters!
Yuli's little baby
loves sauteed clam!
She checks herself in the mirror, slings the towel across her shoulders, and winks at her reflection.
YULIA:
You are the luckiest butch
on earth! Yes you are!
LENA'S VOICE:
Where are you, Yuli-kins?
YULIA:
Coming Lena-love!
Yulia swaggers out of the bathroom...
CUT TO:
INT. - LIVING ROOM - DAY
...and reenters the living room. Lena is seated on the couch, with a red plastic box with grating on the front and back. The redhead greets Yulia with a wide, sweet grin.
LENA:
Happy Valentine's Day,
my Slavic Sugar Plum!
YULIA:
(Points to the box.)
So that's the new arrival?
LENA:
It certainly is!
Lena opens the box lid, peeks inside, and starts making KISSING noises.
LENA:
C'mon out, little one!
Say hi to your mommy
and daddy!
The head of a puppy peeks out of the box.
YULIA:
Oooh! A widdwe pup dog!
What's he called?
LENA:
The nice lady at the pet
shop told me he answers
to the name "Triumph!"
Lena scoops the puppy into both of her arms.
Triumph has a gold ribbon tied around his throat. The puppy's tongue lolls out
as he PANTS excitedly and looks at his new owners.
TRIUMPH:
Arf! Arf-arf-arf!!
Yip! Yip-yip-yap!!
YULIA:
Aw Lena, he's an
absolute DARLING!!
Lena hands Triumph over to Yulia. Yulia takes the puppy and cuddles him close
to her cheek. Triumph licks his "daddy's" cheek.
TRIUMPH:
Woof-woof!
Wooo-oo-ooo...
LENA:
Oh, look at that!
He LOVES you, baby!
YULIA:
Ooo! You cuddly-
wuddly little bundle
of joy!
Lena rises from the couch and crosses to Yulia.
LENA:
I have one or two things
to care of in the kitchen!
(She pinches Yulia's cheek)
I'll let you two get better
acquainted, M'kay? Be nice,
now!
YULIA:
Oh, of course I will!
Lena skips off to the kitchen. Yulia continues to cuddle the dog
close to her cheek.
YULIA:
Ohhh! You smell like
a chocolate bon-bon,
Triumph!
TRIUMPH:
Da? You smell like
samtink de local
SEWER puked
back up!
Long, awkward pause.
YULIA:
Derp?
********************************************
* "Dizzy" by Tommy Roe
Got more if ya want it. -Author