[Winkie]

Just some thoughts

And everything's okay and the world's smiling and so am I, right? Everything's cool. Maybe I should become an actress. I care about you and you don't see it. You know I love you and you refuse to see it, every second. You want him, and him, and him, and him. You want everyone, but you don't even see me. And you want to be able to talk to me about boys, and I don't want to risk a new fight, so I say yes, I say it's okay, I say it's fine, I say it doesn't hurt me. Of course it hurts me. The only thing that's changed is that I've become so good in hiding my pain that it only shows at moment you don't see it, moments like this. Moments when I put razors in my arm because I push that pain so far away that it can't get out anymore, unless it's in my blood and I can let go of my blood.
Why? There are moments when I want nothing but hold you, kiss you, never let you go again. You are so close, and so far away, and I don't even know why. I don't even know if I ever had a chance, or if it has been a lost game all the time. I don't understand why you faket your love for me, if you don't even like girls. I don't understand anything anymore, I don't know what to do with you, I want you to be happy, but I'm in so much pain. Everything hurts and I don't even know what I mean to you. Do you care about me at all, or am I just someone you happen to know?
Maybe I've just been too suspicious after her, but you've hurt me so much, I don't even know what I can think. I agree with everything because I'm afraid you'll be mad with me again. Mad because you're everything I look for in a girl. What I look for in a person. You never asked what Cris looked like or anything, but if you did, I wouldn't have been able to answer. What was I supposed to say? That he was a male you? Some male hippie, with the same view on life as you do? That I thought I liked him because I could project the feelings I had for you, towards him? Is that what I should have said? Do I have to say I date Pieter because then, maybe, I can forget about you? Because he's completely different from you. But I can't forget you and everything I say and do, everything I feel, reminds me of you. I want to forget you and at the same time, I want to cherrish every moment with you that I can remember, for ever. And you don't. You forget me, forgot me a long time ago and I don't know how to continue. You flirt with me, and you flirt with boys, you're claiming to be straight, and you've had a relationship with me, and your eyes never lied.
And I can't lie no more, not to myself. I'll keep listening, I'll keep supporting you, every minut of the day, every heartbeat, but I can't fool myself any longer, and my eyes, they don't act that well already. They shine, but not all the time anymore. And still I smile and act crazy and try to be happy, because if I don't, I'll lose you, I'll lose you for ever, also as a friend, and that's all I've got left right now. And I just know that whatever you do, no matter how you hurt me, or touch me, no matter how much pain you'll cause me, or how much you'll make me laugh, that you and me will always stay you and me, that there will be no we anytime soon. Maybe never, but that's too hard to write down. I'll stay me. You'll stay you. And we, that'll forever stay we. But it will no longer be us.