This is like the third joke-thread we have, but since the other two are so old, I thought I'd start a new one (otherwise just tell me, and I'll delete this and post a message in one of the old threads). Well I wasn't feeling very happy today so I thought I'd read some jokes and maybe smile a bit.
Dumbest things said in court
Lawyer: I show you Exhibit 2 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Witness: That's me.
Lawyer: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Lawyer: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was tall and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male or female?
Lawyer: Mr. Matthews, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
Witness: I used to be.
Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?
Lawyer: You said she had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?
Lawyer: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.
Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Doctor: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Lawyer: Have you lived in this town all your life?
Witness: Not yet.
Lawyer: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body of Mr. Smith?
Witness: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Lawyer: And Mr. Smith was dead at the time, is that correct?
Witness: No! He was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
Lawyer: You say that the stairs went down to the basement, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Lawyer: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Lawyer: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Lawyer: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
Witness: It indicates intercourse.
Lawyer: Male sperm?
Witness: That is the only kind I know.
Lawyer: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the accident?
Lawyer: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Lawyer: Were you alone or by yourself?
Lawyer: Then what happened?
Witness: He told me, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Lawyer: Did he kill you?
Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Attorney: Your foster son, Corey, who cooks for him?
Witness: Oh, I do.
Attorney: How often do you cook for him?
Witness: We have probably one good meal a week.
Attorney: Well, no commentary on your cooking, but how many "bad" meals do you have?