Quote:
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Originally Posted by haku
OMG!!!  WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO SWEET LENA!!! Don't tell me she got an anal probe!!! |
EXT. - BACKYARD, tATu MANSION - DAWN
Rubbing her eyes and YAWNING, Yulia wanders onto the spacious back lawn of Le Manse Tatoux. She catches sight of Lena lying prone on the lawn with her bare arse sticking up in the air. A shiny metal whistle the size of a flashlight is attached to the redhead's backside. Yulia GASPS and runs over to her lover, gently helping Lena back to her feet as she GROANS.
YULIA:
Lena, my darling! What's
happened to you?
Lena turns to face Yulia. Her left eye is pink and inflammed.
YULIA:
(Yelps.)
My God! Lena, you have PINK EYE!
LENA:
Deerrrrrrrr...
Yulia guides Lena over to a deck chair and tries to set her down. Lena jumps back up due to the giant whistle appended to her ass.
LENA:
OW! Damn it!
The whistle blows with a loud THWEEEEEEEEEEEEP! A plume of flame shoots out and burns a patch of the lawn.
LENA:
AAAAGH! MY ASS!
YULIA:
Oh Lena, Lena! How could you have
gotten PINK EYE! Were you rolling
around in the crabgrass?
LENA:
I... don't know. I.... did I just fart
FIRE?
YULIA:
Oh, I hadn't noticed. Look let me
get some topical cream from the
medicine cabinet! Ohhhh, I told you
not to rub your face in...
LENA:
Hold on a second! I... I think I'm
beginning to remember something!
YULIA:
Remember what?
LENA:
Well, my last waking memory was
yelling at the sattellite TV people
over the phone for billing us for
that Pay-Per-View movie,
"Svetlana Does Stalingrad."
Yulia GULPS and blushes.
YULIA:
Do you remember anything ELSE?
LENA:
Well... this is when things really got
weird. I saw this bright white light
coming through the backyard door...
and...
THWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! POW! Lena burns another patch of lawn with her ass.
LENA:
WAAAAAAAOW! SONOFABITCH!
YULIA:
Easy now, sweetie! There was a
bright light...
LENA:
There was a bright light, the room
started spinning... and the next thing
I know, I'm being dragged down a
metal hallway by two guys dressed in
white armor. They kinda looked like
that Temuera Morrison guy. Y'know,
from "Attack of the Clones?"
THWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! KA-POWWWW! Lena leaves a smoking crater in the lawn.
LENA:
WHOA, MAMACITA!!!
What the hell's wrong with my ass?
YULIA:
One step at a time, darling. So you
got kidnapped by that Jango Fett guy?
LENA:
Uh... yeah, and... they put me on a slab
face down in a dark room. Then I hear
this heavy BREATHING, like somebody's
got asthma...
YULIA:
This sounds vaguely familiar...
LENA:
So, I look over my shoulder, and this dude
in black leather with a metal bondage mask
is walking up to me. Then he says something
to me... damned if he didn't sound like that
"This is CNN," guy.
YULIA:
Go on.
LENA:
He says: "And now, your highness you will
tell us all you know about the hidden Rebel
Basssssssssssssse." So I say, "What the hell
are you talking about? Rebels? I'm not from
the Deep South!"
THWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! KA-BLAAAAAM! She sets the deck chair on fire.
LENA:
YIIIIIIIIIIIEEEE! What the FUG did I eat
last night?!
YULIA:
Never mind that, we're coming to the
source of your Pink Eye trauma!
LENA:
Uh... so THEN he says, "I AM YOUR
FATHER!" And I'm like, "Nuh-uh!
I mean, it'd be cool if my dad was
BLACK and all, but he's just some
dork who's into stamp collecting!"
THEN, I hear this blipping and bleeping
noise...
YULIA:
Yes? YES?
LENA:
And I crane my neck up...
(Rubs back of neck.)
Damn, I've got a nasty crick... I
crane my neck up, and I see this
floating BOWLING BALL, with
Christmas Lights and syringes sticking
out of it... and this huge iron claw
holding the BIGGEST TIN WHISTLE
I've ever SEEN... Is there anything
soldered to my ASS?
YULIA:
Honey, you haven't finished telling
me what HAPPENED!
LENA:
Look! All I remember is that CNN
guy saying something like, "I fear
side effects of this interrogation
technique may include PINK EYE..."
YULIA:
(Snaps Fingers.)
That's it! I knew it all along!
Lena, you are the victim of an
ALIEN VISITATION!
LENA:
Yulia what the HELL are you
babbling about?
(She rubs her temples.)
Gawd... all these weird images and
I'm SURE something important is
missing from all this. It's on the tip
of my tongue... YULI!
YULIA:
What?
Lena runs inside Le Manse Tatou. Yulia waits outside. Lena comes marching back outside waving a crumpled piece of paper at Yulia.
LENA:
Did YOU watch "Svetlana does Stalingrad"
on Pay-per-View last week?
YULIA:
I... well... You were out, and I had some
friends over, and...
LENA:
FRIENDS? What kinda friends?
YULIA:
Well, I told 'em we had satellite TV
and... I though you got those shows for
free... with the satellite... like a special
deal...
LENA:
For FREE? A DEAL? Oooooh, Yuli. You
make me so MAD I could just... just...
(Clutches tummy.)
OOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUGGGGH!
YULIA:
Are you all right? Did your water break?
LENA:
WATER? I'm not PREGNANT, you dope!
I'm.... OHHHH GAWD, THERE'S SOME-
THING STUCK UP MY ASS!!!!
Lena crumples to the ground and aims her ass (plus whistle) over the hedges on the far edge of the lawn.
YULIA:
Push with the contractions, baby! PUSH!
LENA:
Yuli, would you shut... WHHOOOOOOAAAAH...
THWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! KA-BLOOEY! Lena's ass fires off a twenty-one gun salute over Le Manse Tatou. The whistle stuck to Lena's ass extends, looking more and more like a chrome exhaust pipe on a Mack Truck. The pipe is followed by a large, blue robot hand.
YULIA:
Good for you, Lena! It's crowning! Um,
no wait... is that a fist? Oh, it's a fist!
It's FISTING Yuli!
Lena rolllllllllllls her eyes at Yuli and GROANS as a large red mechanical arm follows the fist. A big robot head pokes out, then its chest, waist, legs, and finally...
LENA:
RRRRRRRAAAAAAARRRRRRGH!
HAILMARYFULLOFGRAAAAAAAACE!!!
Lena lands flat on her face. Yulia is slackjawed as she stares upward...
YULIA:
Holy cannoli! IT'S A VISITOR!
Towering above the two Girls is a GIANT BLUE AND RED ROBOT, about twenty feet tall.
YULIA:
(To Giant Robot)
Wait right there! Don't move! I gotta get
me a CAMERA!
Yulia darts inside as the Giant Robot steps over Le Manse Tatou with one great stride...
EXT. - STREET - DAY
...and settles down on the asphalt street in front of the Mansion. Yulia BURSTS out the front door with a small digital camera.
YULIA:
Ha! They all laughed at me! They said I was
a fool to believe! But Fox Mulder was RIGHT!
I'm gonna blow the lid off the whole Alien
Conspiracy with one click of a button! Now,
hold still Mr. Robot! Gotta adjust for daylight
color temperature... Aperture at 5.6... umm...
frame... focus... AND...
GIANT ROBOT:
Autobots! Transform and Rooolllllllllll Ouuuuut!
The Giant Robot transforms into an eighteen-wheel tractor trailer, rolls down the lane, makes a hairpin turn, and disappears around the corner.
YULIA:
NO! Wait! Come back! DAMN IT! I was so
CLOSE! First Contact! I could have been up
there with Neil Armstrong and that dog Mother
Russia sent up in the nineteen fifties! Awww...
Yulia hears a LOUD GROAN from the back yard.
YULIA:
Eh? Oh crap! LENA!
EXT. - BACKYARD, tATu MANSION - DAWN
Lena is struggling to her feet. She massages her amazingly elastic ass with one hand while she props herself up on the other.
LENA:
Ow... ow... ow... lame...
totally... fuckin'... not cool...
Yulia bursts through the backyard door.
YULIA:
Ohhhhh... Lenalenalenalena! I'm soooo sorry!
You went through all that labor for NOTHING!
I tried to get the evidence, but that damned
eighteen wheel UFO got away. You should have
seen it! It made a hairpin turn without jacknifing!
Only ALIEN TECHNOLOGY could have created a
Mack Truck that badass! Only an otherworldly POWER
could have crammed something that BIG up your ASS!
Lemme help you up...
Yulia helps Lena up. Lena's posture is bow-legged. Yulia squints at Lena's left eye and sees...
YULIA:
Lena! Your PINK EYE! It's all cleared up!
Oh! It's MIRACULOUS! That alien entity was able
to treat your Pink Eye before it departed! Isn't that
WONDERFUL?
LENA:
(Groans.)
Yeah... hooray... BFD...
YULIA:
Ohhh Lena, that eye infection put you through SO
much stress! Is there ANYTHING I can do to make
you feel better?
Lena glowers at Yulia. Soon a crooked smile appears on her face.
LENA:
You know what would make me feel better right now,
sugar-bumps?
YULIA:
Name it!
Lena strokes Yulia cheek.
LENA:
Four things...
(Purrs.)
Me. You. A BIG TUB...
YULIA:
(Bats eyelashes.)
Yesssszzzzz?
Lena grabs Yuli by the collar and shakes her furiously!
LENA:
...AND TEN GOD-DAMNED GALLONS OF BACTINE!!!
THE END. ( THWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!)