Will the REAl Jesus please stand up!
 

[I though it'll be good to create a thread into which we can all collect really funny relogious jokes/facts etc. So if you come across a religious jokes, pop it into this thread!] :D

My friend from Uni just sent me some fun facts about Jesus... Hope you will find it as amusing as I did. :D

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
He went into his father's business.
He lived at home until he was 33.
He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
He never got married.
He was always telling stories.
He loved green pastures.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
His first name was Jesus.
He was bilingual.
He was always being harassed by authorities.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
He talked with his hands.
He had wine with every meal.
He worked in the building trades.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
He called everybody "brother".
He liked Gospel.
He couldn't get a fair trial.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
He never cut his hair.
He walked around barefoot.
He started a new religion.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice where there was no food.
He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
When he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

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The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he ask the monsignor how he had done it. The monsignor replied "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following on his door.

1. Sip the Vodka don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments not 12.

3. The are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred as the Big Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the shit out if him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said "take this and eat, for it is my body,".....he did not say "eat me".

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-Dub Dub, thanks for the grub, Yeah God."

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffys.

15. I think the idea of a drive-up confessional is good, but the sign "Toot and tell or go to Hell" needs to be reworded.

haha very amusing :D

Yeah, well, psshh.

:D

The woman part is soooo true!
All of those made me laugh out loud... Especially the "Black" one!
"Couldn't get a fair trial" :lol:

QueenBee, haha, nice picture! :lol:

the good ol' talk to the hand. very offensive indeed :D

Hahaha... I love religios ones. :P

Here's some more fine samples that made me laugh:

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi... where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the lawyer. "I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi.

"And what did he say?"

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."




St. Peter has a day-off from his duties at the gates to Heaven and Jesus is standing in for him. Whilst 'booking-in' the new arrivals Jesus notices an old man in the queue who seems familiar. When this man gets to the front of the queue Jesus asks him his name.

"Joseph" is the reply, which makes Jesus more inquisitive.

"Occupation?" is the next question, the reply being "Carpenter".
Jesus is now getting quite excited.

In quite a state Jesus asks "Did you have a little boy?", the answer is "yes".

"Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?" asks Jesus, "Yes" comes the reply. Jesus looks at the old man in front of him and with a tear in his eye shouts "FATHER, FATHER"?!

The old man looks puzzled and after a moment replies.... "Pinnochio?"

oh my god Freddie the second one.. i was laughing on the ground!!! :laugh: