View Full Version : Nirvana

29-12-2004, 21:48
Hi guys!

I'm back with a very short story by my standards, more so to get me back into writing again. It had been nearly three months since I had written something before today so hopefully this isn't too bad. Any comments as to whether you would like to read more of this or if you think it should remain a unique chapter would be greatly appreciated.

I hope you enjoy it.




I stood on the doorstep, my front door key in hand, and then tiptoed towards the door, hovering the key over the lock before withdrawing the key and putting it back into my pocket. This was no longer my home; I simply used to live here, I did not have the right to let myself in any more.

I hesitated momentarily as I contemplated ringing the doorbell, then thought better of it and turned around to survey my old neighbourhood to bide myself a bit of time. The spotty teenager who insisted on gliding up and down the street on his skateboard at all hours of the day was still there, eyeing me curiously just as he crashed into a curb and tumbled to the newly laid tarmac. I smiled with satisfaction and then noted as he gingerly got to his feet how much taller and spottier he was than ever before. It made me realise just how long I had been away, that other things would have changed, other people.

The curtains twitched at the house across the street proving that some things always remained the same no matter how much you would like them to change. Mrs Woods was still on guard at her window, no doubt with the phone in hand as she alerted some of her similarly narrow-minded neighbours of my return. Yes, that other lesbian was back.

And what of the other one? The one who I had left and had vowed never to return to, for the first time it crossed my mind whether she still even lived here. What if she had decided to move away and leave what had once been their nirvana behind?

I could never understand how a relationship as strong as ours could be shattered by the will of a mere man but it had. He had seen what he had wanted and had taken it, regardless of the fact she belonged to another, that she had no interest in him.

For months afterwards, I clung on to the notion that things would be alright again, that one day we would wake up together side by side, and kiss and laugh and cuddle like we always used to do, embalmed in bliss, no care for any other, like it was, as it should have been, the way it used to be…

Instead, I would awake each morning next to a stranger, who wore my lover’s face but recoiled from my touch and rejected the warmth of my body against her own. Vacant, lost, alone, unable to find each other, so embroiled in our own individual anguish that we were.

“Can I help you?” A sweet voice asked me from behind.

I caught my breath, as hearing the sound of her voice was more painful than I could have ever have anticipated, reminding me of my loss, of the love I missed. I turned to face her, careful not to look down at her body. I then looked into her eyes and was unable to speak, captivated like I was seeing her for the first time.

The vulnerability that I fleetingly saw vanished, the hardening of her eyes and the tightening of her jaw indicative of the anger that had replaced her surprise. “You…what are you doing here?”

“Um…” I shifted uncomfortably, everything I had wanted to say having slipped away as soon as I had stood at her door. “I don’t really know…”

“You don’t know! You just turn up after five months…”

“One hundred and fifty seven days.” I interjected, each and every one of those miserable days flashing through my mind.

“I don’t want a scene Yulia, I think they’ve had plenty to talk about over the pass nine months, don’t you?” Lena said pointing in the direction of the multitude of twitched curtains and indicating for me to go inside.

I nodded, relieved that she wasn’t about to dismiss me and followed her into the house, again trying to avert my eyes from her stomach. If I didn’t see it, I didn’t have to acknowledge its existence.

Lena flopped down on to the sofa tiredly, the sadness I saw in the depths of her eyes resonating to my core. It was then I braved a glance at her properly, taking in the immensity of her bump. I stumbled backwards bashing my ankle against the coffee table, the urge to run away again eating at my resolve. It was too overwhelming to think that all the while I had felt I was slowly dying inside that a new life had been growing inside of Lena.

In truth, I knew why I had come to see Lena. I had come with the aim to convince myself I did not care for this woman, that her and that child would have no bearing on my life anymore. Then I would no longer think of Lena and feel anything after all this time; or rather that is what I convinced myself.

“I can understand why you left.” Lena said softly fidgeting with the delicate red curls that framed her face.

“You can?”

“Yes, but,” Lena eyed me sadly as tears threatened to streak her pretty face, “that doesn’t mean that I accept it. You promised that you would never leave me, that you would have to die first before you did but you’re still living and breathing aren’t you?” she said not without bitterness.

“Things change.” I said walking over to the window and staring blankly into space. I couldn’t bear to look at Lena as I heard her begin to sob. Nobody knew more than I did how much I had let her down, for that reason alone I wasn’t the one to console her.

“You say that like it’s a good thing.”

“No, it’s not. If I could go back in time to that night I would never have left him alone with you, and then if he had never raped you, you wouldn’t be having it.”

“It’s not the baby’s fault, Yulia.” Lena said coming over to join me at the window. “She hasn’t done anything wrong.”

“She? You’re having a girl?” It was too much. I crumbled to my knees never wanting to get up again. Life was so cruel. “We always wanted a girl.”

“Yes, more than anything.” Lena smiled her eyes still glistening with tears. “And now she’s almost here.” Lena said before gasping in pain, her mouth set in a grimace.
I forgot my resolve, concern taking over for the one that I still loved, despite it all. “What’s the matter, are you ok?”

“Yeah, fine. She’s just got one hell of a kick on her.” Lena said proudly before gently putting her hand over mine and moving it to her stomach, the hope of acceptance for her baby shining in her eyes.

For some reason I was unable to move my hand until I felt the baby kick, jerking it away in horror. “Stop it! I don’t want to feel it moving around inside of you! As far as I’m concerned I wish you’d had that thing scraped from your womb, maybe then we’d have had a chance of making things right.”

Surprisingly, Lena didn’t get angry with me for what I had just said, she seemed resigned to my rejection. “I made my choice Yulia…you more than anyone know how much I’ve always wanted a baby.”

“Now I get it! He didn’t rape you did he? You used him didn’t you? All so you could have your precious baby.” I spat out the words, trying to hurt her as much as I possibly could, as much as I was hurting having just felt the life she had created with her rapist.

“How dare you come here and accuse me of such a thing! What gives you the right?” Lena said her cheeks flushing as she tried to defend herself from my tirade. “You saw the mess I was in after the r…” She trailed off still unable to say that word. “But maybe it was a blessing in disguise, God’s way of giving us what we have always wanted, our own little family.”

“I don’t understand how you can believe that, what kind of God would allow such a thing to happen to you? I mean, for fuck’s sake Lena, that guy left you for dead!” I exploded, amazed how Lena could continue to have faith in God, I had lost mine many months ago. Despite this, I had carried on praying quite often for Lena to come to her senses and have an abortion or for God to be merciful enough to take away what should have never have been there in the first place.

“It happened to me remember, if I can leave that all in the past then why can’t you?”

“Because I wasn’t there to stop him hurting you, because even after all he did to you, he was able to give you something I never could.” I said, my voice suffocated by the words that I was being forced to choke on.

“It wasn’t your fault Yulia, or mine or the baby’s.” She said tentatively hoping that I would not vent my ruthless rage on her again. However, I was not angry anymore and as Lena put her arms around me I felt safe, a sense of bittersweet happiness taking hold as our bodies entwined and I felt the baby pushing against my fragile food stricken frame.

“You haven’t been looking after your self very well have you?” Lena whispered in my ear as she re-adjusted her grip on me, wrapping one arm tightly around my waist and lightly caressing my hollow cheeks with her free hand before stroking a lock of dark greasy hair off my forehead.

“There’s not much of a point.” I conceded, trying to fend off the dizzying effect that Lena’s touch was having on me.

“Let me take care of you.” Lena pleaded pulling me closer in her arms so that I could feel her curls tickling my chin.

“No, this is all wrong.” I said pushing her away quite firmly, the thought of any damage I might to do her or her baby far from my mind. “I should never have come here.”

I dashed for the door but then I heard an anguished wail. “LENA!”

30-12-2004, 04:06
I really want to know what happens next! please continue :) and I think it's really great you're writing again :D

30-12-2004, 08:16
hi vicky!! welcome back .. nice to get to read your writing again... :rose:

Veggie Delite
01-01-2005, 03:39
so glad you're back :rose:

this is great, plz continue :)

16-01-2005, 21:25
[deleted because of offensive content]

1 warning for personal offense

16-01-2005, 22:01
tatu_rocs, you get 1 warning for personal offense. vicky7 writes her stories for free and she doesn't owe you anything. She will update her stories when she pleases and you have no right to be so rude to her.
Watch your tone next time you post.

21-01-2005, 10:41
I wonder who returned.. :none:

Don't think the months of writing break has hurt your writing for sure, vicky :done:

25-01-2005, 05:35
wait wait wait ok what did i write?

25-01-2005, 22:28
Ok, what did I miss? Admittedly, another big wait for you guys, I wish I could return to being consistent in updating too! Sorry! Anyway, another part of this for you

Vicky xxx

Part 2

I ran back into the house, every fibre of my body concentrated on Lena. The baby didn’t concern me, Lena was my only consideration as I launched myself down on to the floor beside her.

“Darling, are you ok?” I asked renewing the intimacy between us, that even five months apart had been unable to bury.

“It’s happening Yuli.” Lena replied her eyes slanted in obvious pain, her waters bloody and broken in pools about her.

Lena needed the hospital immediately, there was no time for an ambulance. There shouldn’t have been any blood, should there?

I hoisted Lena up taking her weight across my narrow shoulders, struggling to carry her outside before gently easing her down into the passenger seat of my car, carefully encompassing her bloom in the seat belt.

“Is it time?” One of my old neighbours called out to me. I didn’t look up to see who had asked, I couldn’t recognise the voice by senses were so blunted by fear, all I could do was nod.

As I drove to the hospital, I felt I was in a computer game, on a drive against time, noting how ashen yet sweaty Lena looked as I stopped the car reluctantly at every red light.

Are we nearly there yet?” she would ask every so often as the pain stabbed at her insides intermittently.

“It won’t be long now.” I’d say, squeezing her hand tightly in my own in a desperate attempt to quell the increasingly anxiety that was so mutually felt.

Upon reaching the hospital, I drove straight to the accident and emergency department, caring little for the fact I was parked on double yellow lines. I would accept any fine levied on me willingly, so long as Lena came through her ordeal unscathed, as she was still the only person I loved, even the baby couldn’t change that.

26-01-2005, 00:03
Admittedly, another big wait for you guysnevermind the wait.. I for one arrived late, so I didn't have to wait that long :p

I understood the end of the first update now aswell.. :laugh: I thought someone else was yelling Lena and couldn't quite add it up.
Can totally imagine the computer game drive going on here.. kinda like *tries to remember name of the game*.. it was for Amiga I think. And think Sega had it aswell.. big red car in it..

Anyway.. thank you for the update, vicky :)

Veggie Delite
26-01-2005, 16:25
wow, this chapter was so anxious :eek:

and short :(


30-01-2005, 00:20
Good to see you writing again Vicky. Hope you find time to complete this one and get back to 'I'll Never Tell' at some point too. :)

30-01-2005, 20:34
Hi everyone, thanks for your comments. I think this story is complete now, however, I keep changing my mind, maybe it's time for me to go back to working on I'll Never Tell....

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this, once again thanks for being patient.



Part 3

“You’ll stay won’t you?” Lena asked me as a nurse bundled her into a wheel chair.

“Yes, I’m staying.” I wasn’t prepared to walk away the second time she needed me, as much as it terrified me, I was going to stay for as long as Lena wanted me to, for good, if she would only let me.

I watched on as Lena was readied for the delivery of the baby, noting the foreboding glances that were exchanged between the doctor and the nurses. This was not going to be a straight forward birth that much I could sense.

“Lena, I need you to push.” The doctor commanded of her, Lena’s face contorted in concentration as she squeezed her pelvic muscles hard in an attempt to expel the baby from her body. All the while, I clung on to her hand, unable to let it go, my presence the only contribution I had to offer as Lena fought against the contractions, bravely forcing the baby out into the world.

“Just one more push, Lena, one more push,” the nurse encouraged.

I saw the determination in Lena’s eyes, the eagerness to finally meet her baby. The final push…

The anticipated crying as I saw the baby’s head emerge…it wasn’t there…no sound…no life…surely she should be crying? Why wasn’t she crying? Why?

I moved forward, careful to remain hand in hand with Lena wanting to see the baby, to know that the months of hell had been for something.

As I saw the little girl I dropped Lena’s hand and began to cry. She was so tiny, pink… perfectly formed; a head, two arms, two legs, eight fingers, two thumbs, ten toes and Lena’s button nose and sweet lips. She was flawless, yet life hadn’t seemed to touch her, she wasn’t moving, breathing even.

Lena saw my tears. “Yulia, what’s wrong?” she blinked at me through her exhaustion as she prepared herself to receive her child from one of the nurses.

I couldn’t answer, I wasn’t sure what to say, whether I was seeing things right or wrong.

“I’m so sorry…” the doctor intervened understanding that I knew what he had already known.

“What?” Lena interrupted, not really needing any further explanation. This man was trying to tell her that her baby girl was dead.

“She’s gone, I’m so sorry.”

The words didn’t register with me but from the desperate slump of Lena’s shoulders and the unrelenting quiver of her chin as she cried unashamedly I knew it was over. I had wished for the baby to disappear out of my life and out of Lena’s, but I couldn’t understand it. I had prayed for it, begged for it and now I had got it, but why?

The nurses moved to scoop the baby up, to take her away from Lena before she had even seen her. “Please, just let me hold her…” Lena pleaded, the grief already gripping her, the motherhood she had always yearned for snatched away just as she should have been cradling her newborn, the one who would have carried her spirit forward into the future.

She held the baby fiercely to her chest, sobbing as she recognised the lack of a heartbeat beating against her own, seeing that the pure angelic face lacked any expression, realising that she would never hear her baby cry or to see her grow.

I watched their goodbye cursing my helplessness. What could I do to make things better? I couldn’t, could I? What on earth could I say to make things better? Nothing. That was the only thing I could do. Absolutely fucking nothing.

“Do you want to hold her?” Lena asked to my surprise, somewhat more of a request than anything else.

I held out my arms, shaking slightly as I held the lifeless body, pleading silently for the little cherub to forgive me my previous murderous thoughts and for her, despite the fact she had never lived, and never would, to realise that it was never her I hated, never her I wanted to punish. Yet she had been punished in the cruellest way imaginable and Lena…

“She’s so beautiful.” Lena whispered reaching out to brush her hand against the matted baby hair on the back of her daughter’s head.

“She’s like you.” I said sincerely, wishing myself dead in exchange for the redemption of this child, she deserved the chance to live much more than I did.

Lena responded to my comment by throwing her arms around her lost baby and I, wanting to commit to memory what it felt like in essence to have the family she had always desired. In that moment we became closer than ever before as we contemplated our loss. I cried for Lena and the baby, despised myself for my neglect of them, for hating an innocent baby, one that I now knew I would have loved like my own, if I had only had the chance.

“I’m sorry, we need to take her now.” One of the nurses said breaking our intimacy. Sorry was such an easy thing for people to say I thought bitterly, how many people actually meant it when they said it? Did they say it because it was the right thing to do, because it was the only thing they could say?

“Do you have kids?” I asked her unwilling to let go of Lena or the little one.

“Yes.” She replied nervously wondering why I would ask her such a question.

“Have you ever lost one?” I continued.

“Er, no, I haven’t.”

“Well, until you have, don’t come in here, trying to take her away, we just want to say goodbye, can’t you understand that?” My eyes filled with tears as I said it, the word ‘goodbye’ sticking in my throat. How could you say goodbye to someone who you hadn’t even said hello to?

“Ok, I’m sorry…”

That word again, five letters, two syllables and it meant nothing. “STOP SAYING YOU’RE SORRY!”

As she left the room and I rocked Lena and the little one’s corpse in my arms I couldn’t help but think I was the sorriest person in the world, the difference between me and so many ‘sorry’ people being that I actually really meant it.

31-01-2005, 00:37
wow, what a cruel staff.. :none: think the costume in these situations is to let the mom say goodbye to her child. It's the same case with adoptions I think. They have to be asked if they want some time with the baby before they are removed. Otherwise there'll be an empty feeling afterwards.. well more than if they hadn't had the time..

To stop my :blabla: : even though it ended on a sad basis with the child being dead, it was a good fic. Thank you for sharing it, vicky :rose:

31-01-2005, 00:49
Thanks for the update Vicky. Even though it ended so sadly it does have a completed feel, well written as always. I like to imagine they eventually find some way through this and back together although I can see that that would be quite hard and possibly wouldn't happen.
I think if you end up writing more to show us it would probably be a lot more rather than the short fic you intended.
I hope it's got you back in the writing groove though :D

01-04-2005, 20:03