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ypsidan04
16-10-2004, 14:59
12. Life is sexually transmitted.

11. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a
day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't
bother you for weeks.

8. Some people are like Slinkies.....not really
good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one
tumble down the stairs.

7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two
hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

3. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world
weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to
make it normal.

2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest
profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close
resemblance to the first.

1. Many terrorists come to America legally and hang
around on expired visas (some for as long as 10-15
years) . Hmmmm .. now think about
Blockbuster .....you're two days late with a video rental and those
people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of Homeland Security.

-------------------

The comments aren't mine, they're from the original author.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you passed gas consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet.
(Wow!)

A A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death.
(Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the...?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the
length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine???)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life... quality over quantity!)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm..)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing..)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that Pig???)

teeny
17-10-2004, 15:21
lol.. so in a way the term "you're such a pig" should actually be a good thing. Sure there are side effects but the bonus seems worth it

haku
17-10-2004, 15:32
It's better to be a pig than a male praying mantis obviously. :none:

Mossopp
17-10-2004, 16:51
As long as I could actually get some action, I wouldn't care what animal I was! :bum:

DAZ
17-10-2004, 21:14
The Wisdom of Peter Kay

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

1 The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong !

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

2 No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip

36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

And some More1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on
it. I said, Thyroid problem?

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a
new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that
way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was
throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog
was telling me to kill my father.

4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't
get my wife to go swimming.

5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my
step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at
any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of
different names. But one day I turned to my bullies
and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my
bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked!
From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire',
which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a
good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the
mother-in-law. My neighbour said
'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be
enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are
they made out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they
get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want sex?
Me neither.

Peter Kay's
questions...

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you
get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all
the way down to the core of the earth?

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth
closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling
your butt?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the
first thing you do is stand up and say,
'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the
freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through
mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns
the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink
whatever comes out'?

12. What do people in China call their good plates?

13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for
the time, but don't point to their crotch when they
ask where the bathroom is?

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Why is a person that handles your money called a
'Broker'?

16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil
is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there
are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe
them, but if they tell you there is wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of
Alphabet Soup?

20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's
face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on
a car ride, he sticks his head out of the
window?

haku
17-10-2004, 21:27
10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?Yes. :)

teeny
17-10-2004, 21:41
20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's
face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on
a car ride, he sticks his head out of the
window?:lol: makes you think twice about not eating fresh mints.

warx
17-10-2004, 21:51
:laugh: nice thoughts...:D

QueenBee
17-10-2004, 22:15
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
I have light in the freezer... :spy:

freddie
19-10-2004, 00:53
14. What do you call male ballerinas?

Gay?