View Full Version : Your help needed.. honest opinons

29-04-2004, 11:14
So i am trying to write a novel, the begining of the first chapter is in my post, can everybody please tell me what he/she thinks.. and a few questions..

(a) Did you get bored?
(b) Would you read the rest of the story?

Chapter I
The eyes never lie

The shadows were filling the empty dry atmosphere, and the cold shaped spheres filled with darkness on the wooden floors. The light was forbidden, and some murky shadow was standing beside the eccentric contraption along with the surrounding metals and gears. Everything was covered with darkness as if the night has vowed to befriend the room, embrace the air, and coat the existence of this distant world. White light couldn’t find its way, and faint blue flames were everywhere guiding the paths of the kingdom. The black granite fences guarded the paths and the blue flames hanging on each end of the fence were shining bright. There were some closed paths where green flames were standing like a fierce sentinel guarding his royal king.
Loud noises were heard; their echoes traveled between the passageways and shacks. The shadow was still watching, waiting, and his calmness was obscure. His crackling knuckles were mixing with the beats of the contraption, turning with the metal spheres hung inside the ruby cylinder. It was Raqt the keeper of the soul revolver, his ageless face and blue eyes were those of a young prince, his black hair traveled on his face whenever he turned or bent to move something in the room. His fifty-four years of existence were summed by the contents of this room; his soul was born to be balanced between the ruby cylinder and the metal spheres. All he did was watch, balance, and control the soul revolver. His eyes whispered in silence black magic spells as the spheres converged, his eyes focused on the spheres with no movements of his lips, his eyes spoke and when his chant was spoken the spheres were scattered into blue flames. The room was dressed in blue, and in that second, the blue flames around the kingdom blinked at once, as though some rebellion army has come to free the darkness of the pathways. The small window of the room viewed blinks of blue and darkness every once in a while; youngsters of the kingdom watched the small window’s private show of fireworks with riding joy.
His eyes closed after each chant of silence, and occasionally he’d stroll between the bizarre contraption and the supply of marble, metal, and ruby spheres. The flames blinked again, oddly without any chant nor look of Raqt’s penetrating eyes. Some distant footsteps were climbing the staircase, slowly and gracefully each footstep following the beat of the contraption, their heavy sound caught Raqt’s attention, as he turned hastily with his blue eyes snapping towards the green flames blocking the passage towards his position. He watched with silence, as though he had no senses but his sight and earshot. He paused for a second waiting for the intruder to reach the top where Raqt’s eyes were fixed waiting.

The intruder stood there with a smile on his pale face, his black hair was loose and long, and his green eyes glittered with the clear reflection of Raqt painted in his eyes. His wide muscled arm stretched playfully, and his fingers teasingly tried to touch the green flames, with his eyes still fixed searching for an instant reaction. Raqt blinked at once, and the green flames diminished from the passage’s entrance, with his calm hollow voice he questioned, “When are you going to stop your childish games Sethron?” As the young man approached Raqt with steady footsteps, his smile drew a grin on Raqt’s calm face. “I was wondering when you’ll free yourself from the net you captured yourself with father”, he paused for a second as he turned to look at the marble spheres on the floor beneath him. “I haven’t seen you in days, what were up to?” he continued as he explored the room with his eyes. Raqt sat on the chair beside the wooden desk, sighed and closed his eyes for a second as he answered “I had to work to accomplish, the shadow levels were low a few days ago. I had to keep the soul revolver working son.” The contraption suddenly stopped when Raqt gazed at its main wooden key. The room was calm, as Sethron whistled some tune while he continuously touched the books and flipped their open pages. “Is there something I can do for you today, or will you fool around like a baby, you’re ought to be in the black forge by this hour.” Sethron paused stretched his huge body and sat at the other chair beside the wooden desk.
“I don’t know father, the Black forge hasn’t been as black as it has been in the past, odd things are happening. That day Unya visited us during a mental training, he watched us carefully. His eyes traveled between us as though he’s searching for the unknown, I would say not any unknown but a explicit unknown power he sought with his eyesight.” Sethron explained with his knuckles crackling spontaneously.
“I heard him asking Xein about the shadow levels, he seemed troubled by Xein’s attitude. I just sensed something odd when he looked at me, I felt as if I am threatened by his daring stares.” Sethron’s words changed his father’s calm expression.
“What did he ask Xein about the shadow levels?” Raqt asked promptly, as his eyes showed a great deal of anxiety, with a swift gesture of his hand his soft hair was moved away from his face.
“I don’t know father, I wish I knew.” Sethron exclaimed.
“For the first time in my life, I sensed fear and it isn’t fear that cuts my courage, it’s the knowledge of danger.” Sethron continued as anxiety took its final curve in his veins.
“I must leave now father, I shall meet Marcyulanis in an hour or so.” Sethron murmured as he turned to leave.
“Wait my boy, are you up to some mischief? I haven’t seen a day of good will when you and Marc get together. I hope you’ll spend your time peacefully.” Raqt replied cautiously. Sethron’s bouncy mischief was known to all those that dwelled the world of shadows, his reputation traveled in speed of light ahead of him. His impulsive acts of damage made Raqt worry about him, perhaps a bit more too much.
“Don’t worry, we’re not up to anything today, Marcyulanis promised to help his father encrypt the scrolls of eternity and wisdom. I shall help Marc in this task, you know how I can’t resist my passion, and magic scrolls are irresistible to a young fellow like me.” Sethron abruptly responded, his footsteps grew faster as he went down the stairs.

Raqt watched his eldest son leave wondering if his words were true, worries swept all over his senses ever since he heard about Unya’s peculiar behavior with Sethron. He returned to his marbles and spheres, he was unable to concentrate and the balls kept on converging and diverging never causing flames or a scene. He crawled into a corner where he kept his secret journal; he opened a new blank paper. His eyes looked at the blank paper, and thoughts began to match their molds on the white snow. The black inked words were far apart and sometimes unfinished, his eyes thought and wrote in unknown symbols what his soul hid of mysteries beneath.

Some of the youngsters were still watching the window, waiting for some excitement to break through. As the hours passed by with no sign of flames or sounds, their eyes grew grumpy and desperate for some change. After the long wait, they dragged their disappointment and went to play behind Tana’s house. All the youngsters were glad to pay Tana a visit for her home was a source of joy. The small shack she imprisoned herself in was inimitable; the silver windows were wrapped up with touches of black paint around the edges. The silver door had carvings of vine like creatures reaching for the sky and some bizarre symbols were engraved in red. The faint blue torches shed their blue luminosity on the door, the house looked like a pathway to heaven. With all the darkness around the kingdom, something was different about Tana’s house; the ecstasy of darkness was slaughtered at her doorstep. As anomalous as it may seem, people rarely caught Tana roaming the paths of the kingdom, rumors circled her house and stories shaped the vortex of her reality.
None of the young men in the kingdom visited her occasionally, except in the Wraith epoch. Each year had seven epochs where each shadow protector summons the power within him to reincarnate the Guardian domes’ forces. Some people believe that these are ancient legends, for no one has seen the guardian dome. Though the guardian dome has been an issue of debate in every social event or reunion, no one discovered the truth of this legend; no one ever dared to question or protest. No disputes were seen no one demanded explanations for the strange odd sounds coming from the soul revolver whenever Raqt was in there. Each morning miners would cut marbles into pieces, put it in the wooden carriages and deliver it to Raqt; some of the miners would come back with gossips they heard along the way. Others would come back telling their friends and family members how Raqt stood there in silence as they delivered the marble carriage into the underground warehouse. Each day the same story of Raqt’s black hair covering half of his face, his calm peace, no one was ever bored of hearing a new story of his silence or the taciturn look he gave them while they unloaded the marble shreds.
Not far away from the Soul Revolver, The Black Forge was built to train the shadow prophets, a lot of people preferred to call them the Black Phantoms for the name fitted their character, with their black and silver cloaks and pale faces. The huge building was crowded with the torches and scrolls arranged on the shelves. There were shelves everywhere in the hallways, passageways and offices, filled with scrolls, books, and journals. In the main hallway the ceiling had drawings of the six epochs along with the drawing of their protector, some words were written in warden scripts. It was more common for people to use the warden script, some of the youngsters were only taught how to read and write Warden. But old wise men knew other scripts, to them Warden was no substitute but no eye can witness it’s elimination, no voice can conquer the room with protest, “It is better to be alive silent, than earsplitting with the ghosts of death waiting.” Some of the wise men usually proclaim with a deep sigh when asked about how life is going.
The six drawn epochs seemed to spark whenever the torch’s light glowed. Some of the Black Phantoms used to say, the drawings are alive their eyes followed the Black Phantom’s footsteps everywhere. In the end of the crowded hallway, the huge shiny metal door was closed with the green flames; it was Xein’s office. His office was conventional with his simple wooden table along with some scrolls placed on the polished surface, and his black cloak had a line of red around its collar along with small warden symbols painted in blue. The cloak rested on the chair in front of his desk. Xein sat beside the shelves reading some scroll between his hands. His soft brown hair curled around his ears, and his fair white face had his brown eyes glittering with hope. He stood and returned the scroll to its place on the shelf, as he walked towards the window with his tall body leaning at the wall beside the window. He watched Marcyulanis and Sethron enter the gate of the Black Forge, “Finally what took them so long.” He whispered still looking from the window at the gate.
Some of the Black Phantoms paused immediately as they spotted Marcyulanis and Sethron enter the Forge with their speeding footsteps, as they passed by the torches blinked and some of them disappeared into smoke. They were wearing their black and silver cloaks, with their heads not turning a single inch, Sethron whispered, “We’re late, you know that? Your father may have the screams of hell lingering inside to unleash them upon our sight.” Marc smiled sheepishly, his light brown hair was covering his forehead. His hands were stiff and rigid; he kept his pace as he reached the end of the hallway. “Here it comes, Seth be patient” Marc warned, the green flames diminished quickly, as Marc reached for the doorknob he smiled “He knows we’re here”.

So what do u think so far

This thread is for Island of Arts, so moving it. OK?

02-05-2004, 08:43
:bum: no opinions :bum:

02-05-2004, 10:55
Hi tatuhero .. okay ...I've read it . and I like it very much :) well done ! I like that name Seth :) Xein, Marc .. Rafq.. where are all this people from?

(a) Did you get bored?
- No

(b) Would you read the rest of the story?
- definitely yes :)

so .. update soon .. now I'm going to chase you!

:::denial plays with her kalashnikov::::

02-05-2004, 13:14
these people come from my mind, i am not kidding, it's kinda crazy... but i have this whole world inside my mind, and i try to put it on paper.

:: amino runs away from denial playing with some toy (ehmm obviously a kalanshnikov):: :D

02-05-2004, 13:16
Seth and Marc entered the room, striding with uniform footsteps until they faced Xein who turned slowly towards them, with his hand clenched, his cheek bones were taut giving warnings to creatures who dwell in the room.
“Where have you been young men? What took you so long?” Xein questioned with his fervent voice, the two men gazed at each other with stun.
“I woke up late father, it took me some time to get ready” Marc answered with a serious look taking over his past lively expression. Seth was preoccupied examining the scrolls with his green eyes. Xein ignored his son’s excuse, he touched the ring in his hand “And how are you today Seth? How is your father?” he continued.
“I saw him early this morning, he was busy with his marbles and metals, so I left to meet Marc. And here I am Sir.” Seth replied with his eyes still fixed at the scroll in his hands, “What kind of scroll is it master?” he questioned as he turned his head facing Xein’s eyes.
“Let’s get to work shall we? We haven’t got all day lads.” Xein answered ignoring Seth’s question, he slipped on his cloak, adjusted the ring on his finger. And walked towards the door.
“Where are we going father? Aren’t we going to encrypt the scrolls?” Marc ran after his father like a small baby following a butterfly. Seth who was still standing motionless stunned by Xein’s ignorance, his eyes were filled with inner ire but his words were destined never to speak at the moment. Xein stood not saying a word he paused for a second then turned towards Seth.
“Seth what was the first thing I taught you when you were just a new Black Phantom?”
Perplexed by the question and still the rage was burning by Xein’s uncouth behavior Seth responded, “I can not remember master, you taught us lots of scrolls and Warden morals.”
“If you can not remember, then all the years I trained you and Marc are just a product of fake flows.” Xein uttered in a soft voice. “Obedience…” he exclaimed with his deep voice tone growing strong as a mountain “that’s what I taught you… blind obedience… you do not question your older master… you follow your master’s orders with blind trust.” As he finished his words he walked out of the door not looking back at the two young men.
Sethron and Marc exchanged looks with shame and guilt filling their ego to the bone. They followed their master Xein with rapid strolls through the hallway as the blue torches were dimmed as they passed; Xein examined the torches’ light diminish.
“Damn those shadow levels, they’re getting lower.” He screamed in the hallway, he looked at one of the Black Phantoms “You!” he cried out, “Go to the soul revolver, and tell Master Raqt that the shadow levels are going down, let him haul his forces and get them up.”
The baffled Black Phantom responded immediately “Yes master, in an instant.” The three men walked away in the paths of the kingdom, the people in the paths were overjoyed with the sight of the three men walking. A lot of the Warden people considered the Shadow protectors and their children their heroes. On the other hand, a lot despised the shadow protectors but there were no protests, even though the shadow protectors are the righteous supporters of justice. Egalitarianism doesn’t exist not even the numbers of the universe are odd and even, there is divergence in every shade of life. Seth and Marc chatted along the way about scrolls and books they’ve lately read. Xein would occasionally stop to talk with one of his friends or people that know him. They followed Xein with no questions. Until they reached The Illusion necropolis, Seth stopped his hearsay when he saw where they stopped. His tongue was tied, his senses were numb, and his feet were heavy.
“Here you shall work, I shall assign Tand The Magic Hound to educate you how to clean the prisms of the necropolis and encrypt the scrolls in the library into the prisms.” Xein explained with his eyes looking at the little marble edifice. As the young men started to climb the stairs he added “You shall find him sitting in the prism scope, hurry up now.”
Seth and Marc marched inside the necropolis with great awe; it was the place every Warden wished to enter. It held all the knowledge of the Warden people, all the years of research and plans. When they reached the prism scope they were dazzled by the amazing view of transparent and black prisms, it looked like a war between transparency and black. A short, middle-aged man approached Marc, his baldhead and tiny arms made Seth examine him closely.
“I suppose you’re Marc” he addressed Marc, “You are of great resemblance of your father, with your eyes and hair. I can see Xein’s youth in you.” He continued.
He noticed Seth’s inspecting stares “Excuse my disrespect, I didn’t introduce myself, I am Tand, they call me The Magic Hound, Xein asked me to instruct you.” He responded to Seth’s stares.
“I am Sethron, the son of Raqt. It’s a pleasure meeting you Tand.” Seth said as he shook Tand’s hand.
“I’ve known your father for years Seth. He’s a man of Warden morals; I’ve even witnessed the day of your birth. Your mother was a true lady…” Tand began to remember everything about Raqt and his past.
“It was a shame that your mom escaped, I wouldn’t justify…” Seth interrupted him disgruntled “I don’t want to speak of my mother’s past now, the past doesn’t do me any good.” Marc saw the hurt in Seth’s eyes he didn’t say a word he just patted Seth on the shoulder trying to change the subject… he proclaimed “So shall it be dear Seth, let’s get to work.”
Tand turned his head towards the prisms and pointed, “I am sure you’re familiar with the prisms, I’ll just have to explain the rest of the mystery”

“Each prism carried the dark knowledge of each Shadow Protector, but only a shadow protector could encrypt and read his knowledge. The white transparent prisms would turn into black as each member of the Black Forge or The Shadow protectors encrypts his knowledge in it. Prisms of the Shadow protectors are known as Shadeks, they turn grey when their owner is in danger or when he in the zone of his epoch.” Tand continued to explain as he wandered between the prisms.
“It is best for you when you clean the prisms, not to think of your past or future, focus on your task, and only your task” He finished his words touching one of the prisms seeing a spot on it, and cleaning is with his bare palm.
Seth followed Tand while Marc sat on a distant chair away from the prisms. He looked at the prisms with thoughts conquering his virtue. His thoughts were stumbling in awe of this beauty his face was blessed with. Seth and Tand continued to chat as Marc’s thoughts flowed until they came back from their journey between the prisms.
“I shall leave you now, Jana my dear little sister is expecting me. Be careful with the prisms.” Tand left the room with his last words still echoing in Marc’s ears.
Seth stopped dead for a second making sure he understood all of the instructions. While Marc stood and walked to reach the prisms, when he stood adjacent to the prism. A blinding beam of white light appeared from the prism’s other side. “In names of darkness and shade, what was that?” Seth looked puzzled, still watching the white light beam.
“I don’t know Seth, I don’t know” Marc stood there frightened that the prisms would break as he felt the ground under his feet shiver. He moved away swiftly astonished by what he saw. The light beam was gone, the room was the same again, the transparent prisms and black ones fighting in the space of the scope.
Marc fell on his knees, feeling so much power in his body that he couldn’t handle it. Seth dashed toward Marc “What happened? Are you okay?” he asked as he helped Marc to stand up, but his knees were failing him to stand. For a minute or two, all they did was trying to wake up from the shock fate has threw them in, waiting for confusion to eat them up. Marc regained his balance, stood there with his eyes watching the room one more time. Seth still standing beside him with fear trembling against what he saw.
“I have never seen something like that before Seth, it’s light but it’s white. I felt the whole world inside of me, as if I was the center of the dreams, it was a dream I always had dreams where white conquered it. Isn’t white light what makes dreams?” Marc walked towards the prism again, “Don’t go there, you want to get yourself killed?” Seth warned as he tried to stop Marc. Marc stood there again; the light beam was created again, this time steadier and calmer. Seth watched the light with his green eyes glittering more than ever. His ears caught some footsteps distant in the hallway, “Quick, move away someone is coming, move or we’re all damned.” Marc jumped from his place quickly trying to recover his senses, as they heard the footsteps growing louder. A man with a black cloak came in; his ageless face was bold and fierce. The young men stood there perplexed, he approached them coughing several coughs.

“May I ask what are the two of you doing in the prism scope? And who gave you internal permission into the Illusion necropolis?” The man questioned with fury.
“I am Marc and this is Seth, Master Xein sent us here to clean the prisms and encrypt some scrolls.” March announced with a steady voice.
“I see you’re Xein’s son. I haven’t seen him in a while, he’s been busy with the Black Forge errands.” The man calmed and looked in Marc’s eyes as if seeing a lost part of him.
“I shall call Xein in this instant, I can not make sure of your truth. The last thing I need are two gatecrashers in my necropolis.” The man took off his shiny ring, and mumbled some language the two men couldn’t understand. Then he cried out “Xein, I need you here at once.”

The two young men were startled with the Man’s behavior, who was he anyway? And what did he do with the ring? Their confusion was drawn in their eyes, and they could see his impatience. “Seth, I believe you’re the son of Raqt.” He gazed at Seth’s startled face, “Indeed I am sir, but how do you know who I Am.” The man laughed with a silly grin on his face “How many mischievous sons of Raqt are there? Unlike Nansus and Utena you’re one of the kind. You’re tendency to damage makes the darkness inside of me overjoyed.”
“Well Sir, I do not believe my tendency is towards damage, it’s towards playful games, I learn the facts of the game of fate my own way.” Seth looked unsatisfied with the Man’s description. He examined his face that looked deceitful for his attitude, and his eyes were so familiar.
“Quiet witty, and you young man do you not believe your friend is mischievous? Or shall I rephrase that, since you and him are companions in the game. You know before knowing your identity, I had doubts. But now I believe you are here for some mischief.” The man stopped for a second, the door opened softly and Xein entered.
“Here you are Xein, don’t you care to visit your own grandfather?” The main smiled as he hugged Xein.
“You know how things are between us Master Jai, I have nothing to say” Xein answered annoyed with his grandfather’s comment.
“Never mind the family business now, I see your son has grown different than you and your mother, he seems to be the bouncy type. Did you assign him for some task here?” Jai spoke softly as he kept on staring at Marc.
“As a matter of fact, yes Master Jai. They are both Black Phantoms, as one of the decedents of the Shadow protectors they are in privilege to enter the Necropolis at such a young age.” Xein fixed his eyes in the eyes of Jai, not moving his sight for a degree.
“I see Xein, I shall trust your judgment. But be careful, your cloak protects you they have no cloak. They can’t clean prisms with their soul bare.”

02-05-2004, 18:38
Tatuhero! I like the story .. thanks for update! .. well .. I sort of having star wars kind of pictures in my head .. now what happen next?


02-05-2004, 19:23
oh it's nothing like starwars believe me.. shocking actually.. i didn't get to write the rest u know my previous illness, and i didn't attend much classes, my exams i am trying to catchup.. but i am gonna update everytime i write more :D

03-05-2004, 02:56
LoL .. well .. .. okay .. I wait for more update .. no need to hurry .. okay .. thanks and good job ..and take care.. :)