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Me Am Hulk
02-02-2004, 17:58
At long last, Yulia and Lena have overcome all obstacles to their love
and settle into sweet, sugar-coated domestic bliss...

...Or at least the above would have happened if SOMEONE ELSE was writing
this fanfic. Too bad this is a ME AM HULK production! ;-)

t.A.T.u!
in
"A Pup Named tRIuMPh! (Valentine's Day)"
by
Me Am Hulk

FADE IN:

THE TIME: FEBRUARY FOURTEENTH

EXT. - THE VOLKOVA/KATINA RESIDENCE - DAY

The house is small, humble, but well kept. The front door has an image of Cupid posted on it.
The windows are trimmed with a series of glossy cut-out Valentine hearts. A banner on the
picket fence reads: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

CUT TO:

INT. - THE VOLKOVA/KATINA LIVING ROOM - DAY

The living room is painted pink, with red and white rose bouquets on the table,
the TV set, and the lamp table.

LENA KATINA prances across the carpet with a carpet sweeper. She wears a
pink apron with a big red valentine heart over the chest. She SINGS while
she sweeps.

LENA:
(Sings.)
Diz-zy-y! I'm so-o
DIZ-ZEE-EE! My head
is spin-in'!
Like a WHIRL-POOL!
It never ends!
And it's YOU GIR-RL!
Makin' it spin!
You're makin' me
DIZ-ZEE-EE!*

The front door lock CLICKS open. Lena stops singing and sweeping. Her face breaks
into a sweet smile...

...as YULIA VOLKOVA, Lena's common-law husband opens the door. She wipes her workboots
on the welcome mat and steps into the living room. Yulia is wearing a dark blue set of
overalls, a hardhat, carries a metal lunchbox in one arm and cradles a gift wrapped box
in the other. Her face is covered with a few grease and grime streaks. She closes the door
with her foot, drops her lunchbox and spreads her arms...

YULIA:
(Sing-Song.)
Honey-y-y-y-y!
I'm HO-O-O-OME!

LENA:
Oooooh! Yuli-kins!

Lena skips across the living room, red tresses trailing behind her. The two girls embrace.
Yulia gives Lena a chaste peck on her nose. Lena GIGGLES and starts nuzzling Yulia's grimy
cheeks.

YULIA:
Whoa! Don't get
yourself dirty, Rusty
Locks!

LENA:
I don't mind getting
a little DRRTY with
my Pixie Queen on our
favorite holiday!

YULIA:
In that case, I've
got you a little
somethin' somethin'
you won't mind
DRRTYING up!

Yulia hands her the gift box.

YULIA:
For you, Rainbow Brite!

LENA:
My goodness gracious!

YULIA:
Go on, open it up!

Lena bounces onto the couch, places the gift box on her lap, and neatly undoes the ribbon
and wrapping. She opens the lid and SQUEALS.

LENA:
Oh you SHOULDN'T have!

YULIA:
(Grins.)
Oh yes, I should!

Lena holds up a pink "peek-a-boo" nightgown ensemble with a pink thong and sheer red nylons.

LENA:
What a naughty little gift!

YULIA:
It comes with pasties and
streamers too!

LENA:
So you've been down to
"that store," have you?

YULIA:
I may have!

LENA:
What a pleasant surprise!
I have a surprise for you
too!

YULIA:
You do?

Lena sashays over to Yulia and strokes her chin.

LENA:
We have a new arrival to
our humble abode!

Yulia GASPS.

YULIA:
You've gone to the
sperm bank?

Lena GIGGLES.

LENA:
No, silly monkey! Why
don't you go get cleaned
up, and you'll see it when
you come back, M'kay?

Yulia smiles slyly.

YULIA:
Okay, Rosie Stockings. I'll
be back in two shakes of a
stripper's tail!

Lena swats Yulia playfully, and pushes her toward the bathroom.

LENA:
Oh you stop that!
Hurry along, sweetheart!

YULIA:
I will, honey-bunch!

Yulia crosses the living room and disappears into the bathroom.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. - BATHROOM - DAY

Yulia, now dressed in a white tank-top and black trousers, is wiping
her cheeks with a towel.

YULIA:
(Sings.)
Yuli's little baby
loves oysters, oysters!
Yuli's little baby
loves sauteed clam!

She checks herself in the mirror, slings the towel across her shoulders, and winks at her reflection.

YULIA:
You are the luckiest butch
on earth! Yes you are!

LENA'S VOICE:
Where are you, Yuli-kins?

YULIA:
Coming Lena-love!

Yulia swaggers out of the bathroom...

CUT TO:

INT. - LIVING ROOM - DAY

...and reenters the living room. Lena is seated on the couch, with a red plastic box with grating on the front and back. The redhead greets Yulia with a wide, sweet grin.

LENA:
Happy Valentine's Day,
my Slavic Sugar Plum!

YULIA:
(Points to the box.)
So that's the new arrival?

LENA:
It certainly is!

Lena opens the box lid, peeks inside, and starts making KISSING noises.

LENA:
C'mon out, little one!
Say hi to your mommy
and daddy!

The head of a puppy peeks out of the box.

YULIA:
Oooh! A widdwe pup dog!
What's he called?

LENA:
The nice lady at the pet
shop told me he answers
to the name "Triumph!"

Lena scoops the puppy into both of her arms.
Triumph has a gold ribbon tied around his throat. The puppy's tongue lolls out
as he PANTS excitedly and looks at his new owners.

TRIUMPH:
Arf! Arf-arf-arf!!
Yip! Yip-yip-yap!!

YULIA:
Aw Lena, he's an
absolute DARLING!!

Lena hands Triumph over to Yulia. Yulia takes the puppy and cuddles him close
to her cheek. Triumph licks his "daddy's" cheek.

TRIUMPH:
Woof-woof!
Wooo-oo-ooo...

LENA:
Oh, look at that!
He LOVES you, baby!

YULIA:
Ooo! You cuddly-
wuddly little bundle
of joy!

Lena rises from the couch and crosses to Yulia.

LENA:
I have one or two things
to care of in the kitchen!
(She pinches Yulia's cheek)
I'll let you two get better
acquainted, M'kay? Be nice,
now!

YULIA:
Oh, of course I will!

Lena skips off to the kitchen. Yulia continues to cuddle the dog
close to her cheek.

YULIA:
Ohhh! You smell like
a chocolate bon-bon,
Triumph!

TRIUMPH:
Da? You smell like
samtink de local
SEWER puked
back up!

Long, awkward pause.

YULIA:
:spy: Derp?

********************************************

* "Dizzy" by Tommy Roe

Got more if ya want it. -Author

rosh
06-02-2004, 13:18
hehe i LOVE this ! post more post more me am hulk ! PLEASE PLEASE

Me Am Hulk
07-02-2004, 23:24
Last time on "A Pup Called tRIuMPh!"

YULIA:
Ohhh! You smell like
a chocolate bon-bon,
Triumph!

TRIUMPH:
Da? You smell like
samtink de local
sludge peet puked
back up!

Long, awkward pause.

YULIA:
Derp?

And now... part TWO of "A Pup Called tRIuMPh!"

TRIUMPH:
Honey, yoo're holding
me against de wrong
set of cheeks!

YULIA:
Uh... say what?

TRIUMPH:
Wroong cheeks, babs!
Vhat language do you
teenk I'm speaking,
Swahili? Spangleesh wid
a Blaccent? I'm speekink
de Mather Honking Tongue
here!

YULIA:
Ba... Bu... B-uhhhh?

TRIUMPH:
"Ba, Ba, Ba?"
Vhat are you do-eenk,
Belching de God-damned
alphabet? I told you
to stop rubb-eenk my
fine coat against your
pasty Russkie jowls!
Doon't you know how to
greet a daggie?

YULIA:
How... what...

TRIUMPH:
Ah, for de love of
Raspyootin... look
brush-top, you and
me are go-eenk to
get to know each ather,
we've got to greet
each ather de way
a daggie's supposed to!

YULIA:
H-how am I supposed to
do that?

TRIUMPH:
We've got to sneef each
ather's ass-cheeks,
girlchik!

YULIA:
WHAT? No fuckin' way!

TRIUMPH:
Ahhhh, c'mon! I sneef
your back, you sneef
mine!

YULIA:
I'm not sniffing your
ass!

TRIUMPH:
Oh, I see! Yoo're
eemposing your values
on me! Dat's species-ism!
Vhat, you teenk your species
is sooperior to mine?
Yoo're a BEE-got! You know
dat?

YULIA:
I am NOT a species-ist!
It's just... I... Look,
I vote Green and I'm a
card-carrying member of
PeTA!

TRIUMPH:
Yeah vhatever, Yuli
Barrymore! Look, you
doon't vant to get on
de Missus' bad side,
right? I'm her gift to
you, and in de name of
inter-species relations,
YOU owe me an ass-sneefing
session!

YULIA:
But... I... you... we...
Ooooooh, All right! But
you have to sniff MY ass
first!

TRIUMPH:
Heh-heh, you sure you
don' vanna sneef my
tush first, just to ged
it out of de vay?

YULIA:
I'd rather you just...
just... OH, ALL RIGHT!
I'll... uuuuurgh...
I'll sniff you first!
Just don't fart or
anything!

TRIUMPH:
Hey, vhat do I look
like, a cheempanzee?
Besides you humans
haf more een common
wid DOSE turd-sleengers,
anyvay!

Yulia makes a face.

TRIUMPH:
C'mon, ged eet over
veeth!

YULIA:
Okay, here goes...
(moans)
Diosa, ayudame!

With her face pinched, Yulia raises Triumph above her face, and slowly, slowly
lowers Triumph toward her nostrils, arse first.

At that moment, Lena re-enters the living room. She sees Yulia holding Triumph's
ass to her face.

LENA:
Yuli?

Yulia turns round, sees Lena and YELPS, nearly dropping Triumph. Yulia gathers
the little puppy into her arms.

LENA:
Yulia, what were you doing?

YULIA:
I... I was saying "hello"
to the puppy...

LENA:
By kissing his ass?

YULIA:
NO! Ay diosa, no!
I was uh... smelling
it.

LENA:
Why on earth would you
sniff the puppy's arse?

YULIA:
'Cause that's how dogs
greet each other...

LENA:
Yulia, who told you that
dogs greet each other...
that way?

Yulia looks down at Triumph, nestled in her arms.

YULIA:
(Whimpers.)
He did.

LENA:
Say what?

YULIA:
He said I should...
he uh... told me to...

LENA:
WHO told you?

YULIA:
The dog, Lena!
The dog TALKS.

LENA:
The DOG spoke to you?

YULIA:
Yeah...

LENA:
Yulia Volkova, have you
been drinking?

YULIA:
No honey! I swear on my
baby blue eyes, we have
a talking dog!

LENA:
(Sighs.)
A talking dog? Oh ha ha
ha... okay, I get it, Yuli.
(To Triumph.)
Triumph, what's the name of the
store down the block?

TRIUMPH:
Rowfs!

LENA:
Triumph, which member of the
Yankees is called "The Bambino?"

TRIUMPH:
Rooth!

Lena smirks at Yulia, whose face flushes beet red.

LENA:
Talking dog, indeed!
Yulia, you are the silliest
thing! Now come on inside,
dinner's ready. You uh...
might want to wash your face,
though...

YULIA:
I didn't touch his ass!

LENA:
Kidding, silly-buns! Don't
let the food go cold, now!

Lena retreats to the kitchen. Yulia sets down Triumph.

YULIA:
This is fuckin' freaky.

TRIUMPH:
Vell, I look at eet
dees vay Bristles, eef
your ass smells as bad
as your BREATH, den I got
off light.

YULIA:
WHAT THE FUCK...

LENA:
(From the kitchen.)
Yulia! Are you hollering
at little Triumph?

YULIA:
Er... no dear, I just
stubbed my toe.

Yulia sighs.

TRIUMPH:
Hah! Vhy is SHE wearing
de apron in dees house
eef yoo're de one whose
WHEEPED?

Yulia glares at the dog, GROWLS a string of stifled expletives under her
breath, and finally STOMPS off to the kitchen.

NEXT EPISODE: MARCH THE FIRST (It's da first of da mooooooonth...)