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Me Am Hulk
29-01-2004, 01:28
With these three chapters, Yuli and Lena's long, strange trip through the twisted mind of Me Am Hulk comes to a close. (And you thought IVAN'S mind was creepy! :coctail: )


(Author's Note: Muchas Gracias to Darje for helping me get Yulia's saucy Spanish correct!)

The t.A.T.u. Escapades!

By Me Am Hulk

Episode VI: ALL GROW'D UP - 2021, Eighteen Years Later... (Chapter Ten)

WHEN WE LAST LEFT OUR HEROINES...


EXT. - BAR & GRILL - NIGHT

Yulia is clutching a hat full of roubles. Her face is as red as a boiled beet as she says her
goodbyes to the Katina/Sorokin family. The crowd from the restaurant walks by, each person YELPING
and CHEERING for the Girls (Er... Women). Mark Renton gives Yulia and Lena a high-five.

MARK RENTON:
(Sings.)
THEY'RE NOT GAUNNAE
GIT US!

REST OF CROWD:
(Sings.)
NAS NE DAGONYIAT!!!

YULIA:
(To Vladimir)
Aw dude, I am like...
So, SO, sorry for
doin' the liplock
with your woman.

VLADIMIR:
Mmm-hmm.

YULIA:
It was just... you know,
the LIGHTS, the MUSIC, the
CROWD... I got carried away
with the old stage routine...

VLADIMIR:
Mmm-hmm.

YULIA:
You're not gonna smack
me in the head are you?

VLADIMIR:
Well-l-l-l-l... I think
Elena's smacked you enough
to last a life time.

Yulia hops down to one knee and starts kissing Vladimir's hand.

YULIA:
Oh THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
You're the bestest!
'Cause if that got back to
Peaches... DUDE! She would
tear me a new one...
You are so, so, very COOL...

VLADIMIR:
Well, uh, thank you.

YULIA:
... I mean, if you were a
chick, I would give you the
biggest, juiciest, sloppiest
KISS right now...

Elena yanks Yulia back on to her feet.

ELENA:
OH-KAY, that's as far as you go
tonight!

Lenochka tugs Yulia's pant leg.

LENOCHKA:
I could use a kiss!

YULIA:
Ooooooh! You little life-saver,
you! Of COURSE I'll give you a
kiss, Li'l Rusty-Locks!
(To Elena.)
May I?

ELENA:
(Smirks.)
Just go easy on the juice and
the slop, deal?

YULIA:
Deal!

Yulia crouches down and gives Lenockha a chaste peck on the cheek. Then, she sweeps Lenochka
into her arms and dances around the sidewalk with her. Lenochka GIGGLES her cutsey-wootsey
little head off, Yulia SQUEALS with delight.

ELENA:
Hey, remember what I said!

YULIA:
You said juice and slop! You
didn't say anything about
SUGARY SWEETNESS!

Yulia hands Lenochka over to Vladimir. Elena takes Yulia by the arm.

ELENA:
Yuli dear, promise to do
three things for me?

YULIA:
Yes?

ELENA:
Be good to your wife.

YULIA:
Yes, ma'am!

ELENA:
Don't chase after every pair of
heaving bosoms you see. You don't
want to push your luck...

YULIA:
(Groans.)
Yes mother, and the third thing?

Elena grins an evil grin.

ELENA:
THINK FAST!

Elena WHACKS Yulia in the head... for old time's sake.

YULIA:
HEY!

ELENA:
Gotcha!

YULIA:
Raggedy Asshole.

ELENA:
Bryan Fairy.

The two women GIGGLE and hug.

Their embrace is interrupted by the faint WAIL of POLICE SIRENS.

YULIA:
Whoa-boy.

ELENA & VLADIMIR:
YULI?

YULIA:
Looks like it's my
cue to skidoo!

Yuli hands the hat full of roubles to the Sorokins.

YULIA:
This oughta cover that lovely
dinner I treated you to!
(Kisses Vladimir)
Be good to my ex, big boy!
(Kisses Lenochka)
Be good to your folks kiddo,
but don't let them turn you
into a tight-ass!
(Kisses Elena)
That from my son to you.
(Kisses her again.)
That one's from my daughter.
(Kisses her again.)
That one's from Peaches.
(Nibbles Elena's earlobe.)
MMMM! And that's from ME
to you, you flame-haired
MAMACITA CON LAS TETAS MAS GRANDES
DE TODO EL MUNDO! AY, MI DIOSA!
SU CULITO DULCE ES TAN BONITO,
YO LE QUIERO DAR UNA TUNDA DURO
Y FINO!! GRR-R-ROOOWWWWWR-R-R-R!!!

VLADIMIR:
Uh, Yuli? Those sirens are
getting closer...

YULIA:
Whoops!

Yulia leaps into the drivers seat of her Monster Humvee. She REVS the engine.

YULIA:
(Shouts over the
engine noise.)
Come visit me in the States
sometime, you guys!
(To the Cops.)
YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME
ALIVE, YOU NEO-FASCIST
STOOGES!

Yulia's Monster Humvee peels away from the Bar & Grill, flattening four more dinky Russian cars.
A flotilla of squad cars WAILS after her.

Elena, Vladimir and Lenochka stand in the wake of Yulia's trail of destruction.

ELENA:
Well! Once again Yulia
bum-rushes into my life,
unleashes the hounds of
hell, flips my world arse-
over-teacups, and leaves
me to pick up the pieces!
What HAVE I forgotten to
do?

LENOCHKA:
I dunno, Mommy.

ELENA:
(Snaps fingers.)
Oh yes! Now I remember!
I forgot to faint!
Vladimir?

Elena collapses into her husbands arms.

Me Am Hulk
29-01-2004, 01:30
The t.A.T.u. Escapades!

By Me Am Hulk

Episode VI: ALL GROW'D UP - 2021, Eighteen Years Later...

EPILOGUE ONE - LENA:

INT. - OBSTETRICS - DAY

Elena Katina Sorokinova is in the throes of labor. Her belly is swollen with nine months worth of human
cargo. Her eyes are bulging out of their sockets, her teeth are grit together as a GROAN escapes her throat.
She ain't her usual pretty self. As a matter a fact, she looks damn silly. The OBSTETRICIAN hovers over her.

OBSTETRICIAN:
Keep breathing, Elena!
You're gonna make it!

ELENA:
GRRRRRAAAAAAARRRRRR!

Vladimir - her husband - is at the door, holding a mini-DV camera.

VLADIMIR:
You're doing just fine,
honey! Breathe with the
contractions! C'mon!

Little Lenochka is standing on a stool, jumping up and down excitedly. She is wearing a cheerleader
costume with two huge pom-poms.

LENOCHKA:
(Chanting)
Push mommy, push!
PUSH PUSH PUSH!!!
Grit those teeth, and
GIVE A BIG PUSH!!!

Elena HUFFS, PUFFS, and GROWLS.

OBSTETRICIAN:
I can see the baby crowning,
Just a little ways to go!

VLADIMIR:
Ohhhh, I can't believe I'm
getting this all on video!

ELENA:
Vlad, you point that lens
away from my... thing this
instant! OOOOWWWWWWWW!

Lenochka squat-thrusts on the stool with the pom-poms pushing back and forth.

LENOCHKA:
(Chanting)
PUSH 'ER OUT, SHOVE 'ER OUT,
WAAAAAAAAYYYY OUT!!!

Elena's eyes roll into the back of her head and lets out a great, big ROAR.

OBSTETRICIAN:
We've got her out!
The baby's out!

LENOCHKA:
(Hollers)
YAAAAAYYYY, TEAM!!!

VLADIMIR:
Ohhh, darling! She's
covered in blood and
snot and gunk, but she's
beautiful!

ELENA:
(Heaves a great sigh.)
Oh she is? Oh let me
see her!

OBSTETRICIAN:
Hold on, we'll clean her
up first! Aaaaaaaand...
Here she is!

The obstetrician holds the baby girl upside down for Elena to see.

ELENA:
Ohhhh, my darling child!
My new little baby girl!
Let me see... WHAT TH'

Dripping wet with water, umbilicus still attached, the spiky-coiffed infant face of Yulia Ivanova Anastacia
Blimunda Volkova greets her mother with a wide smile.

LI'L BABY YULI:
My sistah!
WHAAAAZZZZZUUUUUUP?

ELENA:
HOLY HONKIN' FUCK!!!

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. - ELENA'S BEDROOM, 2021 - DAWN

Elena bolts upright in her bed SCREAMING her russet-maned head off! She clutches her chest and regains
her breath in ragged gasps.

ELENA:
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod
ohmygodohmygodohmy--

Elena's hands reach down to her flat belly. She grabs the covers of her bed and peeks underneath. She
flops back against the pillows and SIGHS.

ELENA:
Unbelievable.

The door to her room pops open, and Lenochka enters. She places a glass of ice water on the night table.

LENOCHKA:
Are you okay, mommy?

Elena nods, grabs the glass, and gulps down a mouthful of water.

ELENA:
Yeah, Lenochka. Mommy's
fine. I think...

LENOCHKA:
(giggles)
You thounded like you
gave birth to a hippo!

ELENA:
Wha--? Gave birth?
Me?

Elena grabs Lenochka and gathers her into her arms.

ELENA:
Lenochka? How many
kids do we have?

Lenochka blinks once, twice, three times, and CHUCKLES.

LENOCHKA:
There'th jutht me, mumsie!

ELENA:
Really? Oh, thank GAWD!

LENOCHKA:
Why? Do you wanna
hyth-terectomy or
thome-thing?

ELENA:
WHAT? No, no, no!
Of couse not, silly!

Elena gives her daughter a big hug.

ELENA:
Oooooh, my widdwe baby
girl!

Lenochka hands her mom an envelope.

LENOCHKA:
Daddy thaid we juth got
thith in the mail!

ELENA:
From who?

LENOCHKA:
From Yulia!

Elena GULPS, and takes the envelope with a shaky hand. She opens it, and pulls out a wad of
roubles with a note.

ELENA:
What the hell?

Elena reads the note out loud.

ELENA:
"Dear Raggedy Arse--
um, Dear Lena, by
time you read this
letter, I'll have
stowed me and my
hummer away on a freighter
bound for the States!
Russian customs can be
such a bi--"

Elena looks over at her daughter and CLEARS her throat.

ELENA:
"I'm so-o-o-o-o-o-o
sorry about smashing
you dinky little Russkie-
mobile! This ought to
cover the damages. I was
so happy to see your lovely
little daughter and your
hot, hunky, hubby! If I
weren't queer I swear I'd..."

Elena looks at her daughter, who smiles sweetly. Elena CLEARS her throat.

ELENA:
ANYWAYS, "...You simply
have to visit me and
Peaches and the In-Vitro
Patch here in the U. S.
of A! They're just dying
to meet you all! Hugs
and slobbery kisses,
Yulia Ivanova Anastacia
Blimunda Volkova."

Elena SIGHS. Lenochka leans against her mother and gives her a big hug.

LENOCHKA:
Can we visit them sometime,
Mommy?

Elena GROANS, CHUCKLES, and ruffles her daughter's hair.

ELENA:
I think Mommy needs a little
recuperation time before we
pay 'em a visit, okay?
(She kisses Lenochka.)
Nighty-night, Rainbow-Brite!

Lenochka springs from the bed. Elena reaches into the night-table and palms her
meditation balls.

ELENA:
(Chants.)
Om Padme Tara
AAA-UUU-MMMM...

LENOCHKA:
Don't play with your
balls mommy, that's
gross!

ELENA:
Duh?

Elena gawks at Lenochka, who GIGGLES and leaves the room.

Elena slumps against the pillow a third time and R-O-O-O-O-O-O-L-L-L-L-L-S her eyes.

ELENA:
(Growls.)
Ooooooooh, Yuli...
If ever I get my
HANDS ON YOU...

Me Am Hulk
29-01-2004, 01:32
The t.A.T.u. Escapades!

By Me Am Hulk

Episode VI: ALL GROW'D UP - 2021, Eighteen Years Later...

EPILOGUE TWO - YULIA:

EXT. - YULIA'S/PEACHES' HOUSE, GEORGIA, 2021 - DUSK

The Volkova kids - CROSBY and DAVID are playing on the front lawn. Peaches is on the front porch,
knitting. Yulia's Monster Humvee pulls up to the curb.

CUT TO:

INT. - YULIA'S HUMMER - DUSK

Yulia peeks out through the windshield at the domestic scene playing out in front of her. She is
clutching a box of candy and a bunch of roses with her free hand.

YULIA:
(murmurs)
Ohhh, please let her be
in a good mood.

CUT TO:

EXT. - YULIA'S/PEACHES' HOUSE, GEORGIA - DUSK

Yulia leaps out of the Hummer, grinning a lopsided grin. Crosby and David look up from their toys and
grin crookedly at Yulia.

DAVID:
(To Peaches)
Momma! Pa's come home!

Crosby skips up to Yulia.

CROSBY:
Howdy, Poppa!

Yulia ruffles Crosby's tousled hair.

YULIA:
Hey there, li'l darlin'!

Peaches ambles up to Yulia and Crosby, smiling sweetly, with one hand behind her back. David
trails after her mother, GIGGLING.

PEACHES:
(Southern Accent)
Well howdy, Pa!

YULIA:
Err... hey there, Ma!

PEACHES:
Did yew enjoy yore two-
week visit to Moscow?

YULIA:
Sure did, honey!

PEACHES:
Yore "two week visit"
that stretched out to
a WHOLE MONTH?

Crosby and David GIGGLE louder. Yulia shuffles her feet.

YULIA:
Oh! Well you know how
it is! Freight Fees an'
customs an' border patrols
an' forged I.D.s and... Oh!
Looky here!

From behind her back Yulia produces the rose bouquet and the chocolate box.

YULIA:
For you, my Georgia Peach!

PEACHES:
Well land's sakes! That
IS awfully sweet of yew,
Julie-kins!

Yulia flushes while the kids hold the flowers and candy for their Momma.

PEACHES:
It just so happens that I
cooked up a little special
something for you to welcome
you home!

YULIA:
REALLY? Aw, Peachy-pie!
You're too sweet for a
rowdy butch like me!

PEACHES:
Some would argue.

YULIA:
What'cha make fer me,
Peaches? Huh?
What'cha make?

PEACHES:
(Grins evilly.)
One Custard Pie!

YULIA:
Whoa boy,
ONE CUSTARD PIE???
LEMME HAVE IT!!!@

PEACHES:
With pleasure!

From behind her back, Peaches whips out a large custard pie and SMASHES it into Yulia's face with
a great, messy SPLAT!!!

Crosby and David burst out LAUGHING!

Joining in the JEERING and HOOTING is Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Lynn Michaels, as they peek over
the tall fence from the yard next door.

Peaches steps back to admire her handiwork.

PEACHES:
Ah want yew cleaned up
and puttin' them kids
to sleep in HALF AN HOUR,
and don't yew DARE run
off on any more o' them
ESCAPADES, you... you...
OOOOOOOO-OOOOO-OOOOOHH!!!

Peaches turns about face and marches through the entrance of their humble home, SLAMMING the door
shut.

Yulia is left on the lawn with chunks of custard pie oozing off her face, her kids and her neighbors
WHOOPING with amusement.

Yulia wipes a chunk of custard off her face and licks it off one finger.

YULIA:
Cinammon... Brown
Sugar... Phew! She
still loves me!

CROSBY:
Momma sure got you this
time, Pa!

DAVID:
Yew sher walked into that
one Poppa Jules!

YULIA:
(Sighs.)
Yeah, I sure did.

Yulia sinks to one knee and spreads her arms out to her kids.

YULIA:
Give Pop a hug?

CROSBY:
Ewww, no way!

DAVID:
We been on the grass
all day, and we're
STILL cleaner than yew!

Melissa and Tammy SHOUT over the fence.

MELISSA:
(Guffaws)
Get them kids to bed, Poppa!

TAMMY LYNN:
(Snickers)
And make yoreself presentable!

Yulia smirks, takes Crosby and David by the hand and leads them to the front door.

YULIA:
It'll be so good to crawl
back into my own bed...

CROSBY:
(Giggles.)
Momma said you can't sleep
indoors!

DAVID:
(Chuckles.)
Yeah Pa, she said yore gonna
have ta sleep out on the
hammock agin!

YULIA:
The hammock... aw man, I'm
gonna spend half my life on
that damn hammock...

FADE TO BLACK.

THAT'S ALL THERE IS
THERE AIN'T NO MO'.

************************************************** ************************************************** *****
NOTES:

VLADIMIR SOROKIN - like Yulia Volkova, Elena Katina, and Ivan Shapovolov - is an actual person
whom I have "kidnapped" to appear in my fan fiction. He is the author of what is reportedly the
most controversial novel in modern Russia: "Goluboye Salo", which translates into "Gay Lard"
or "Blue Lard" ("Blue" being Russian slang for "gay.") For more information about Sorokin and
"Goluboye Salo", read "Letter From Russia: Teen Spirit", Gary Shteyngart's article in the March 10, 2003
issue of The New Yorker. Or just look up the author and/or title on Amazon.com. The article features
both Sorokin and "The Girls," which is what gave me the perverse idea of marrying Sorokin and Ms. Katina
in the first place! :P

SONG & MOVIE CREDITS for all Prologues, Chapters and Epilogues.

* Fred Durst was an exec for Interscope records, for a while anyway. Maybe he still is, damned
if I know...

** "September" (Charles Stepney, Maurice & Verdine White) Performed by Earth, Wind, and Fire

*** "Back in the USSR" (Paul McCartney) Performed by the Beatles

**** "The Terminator" Written and Directed by James Cameron

<>"John Ritchie" is Sid Vicious' real name.

+ "Teach Your Children Well," and "_____" Written and Performed by Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young

++ "Do That To Me (One More Time)," by Tenille and the Captain

+++ "The Immigrant Song" (Page/Plant) Performed by Led Zeppelin

+++ "Not Gonna Get Us" Performed by Napalm Death... KIDDING!

@ Punchline courtesy of "Tom & Jerry in Quiet Please!" - MGM

SAINT PEETAZBURG BLOODS IN FULL EFFECK, DAWG!!!!

angeljas01
29-01-2004, 02:30
Awwww I'm so sadden that it's over now...I loved reading this, thank you Me Am Hulk. Your writings could aways make me smile :)