rosh
08-01-2004, 10:20
i thought this article was funny so decided to post it here for everyone elses collective humour :)
Surviving January
So Christmas has come and gone like some half cut bit of trade with hairy nipples and over-eager hips. January does tend to hang around for longer than even the soggiest damp patch, so you’ll need all the half-assed tips we can toss your way.
Pay Day
Early December pay packets make for poor homos come the first week in January. If you can’t face dipping below ‘Tesco Finest’ when it comes to nibbles, we say simply fine tune your shoplifting skills. Before long you’ll be out of that store with a freshly made pizza stuffed down your knickers. You’ll know when you’ve perfected this little trick when none of the cheese melts. Cool as a cucumber – on second thoughts perhaps it’s better to leave the cucumbers to your more slaggy friends.
We Must Get Together…
Time to call in all those dinner invites from your dull as ditchwater friends. Inviting yourself over to their place is not only a cheap night out but can also result in a few new nick nacks acquired, again, in your kleptomaniac underwear. That Yucca plant is still going strong, you know.
Saunas
A good dose of steam does wonders for your flagging ardour. Why not pop along to your local seedy steamer for a spot of deep pore cleansing? I’m told that there’s fiddling business to be had at these places along with nice fluffy white towels that pop ever so easily into your bag upon leaving.
The Sales
The January sales are a perfect opportunity to pick up some cheap bit of old tat that’s been hanging around a department store for ages. Failing that you could do a spot of shopping instead!
Join A Gym
Before those New Year resolutions go flying out of the catflap, why not immerse yourself in lycra and pump some iron down the local gym? Just think, lots of MTV and all that nakedness in the changing rooms. Never has tying your shoelaces been so interesting – do fight the urge to snaffle upon a passing crotch as memberships can and will be revoked you know.
More Sex
Given that you’re bound to be curled up in your flat most of the month, why not experiment with a bit of kinky sex? Try tempting a willing partner or a drunk neighbour into getting jiggy with it. Now’s a good time to see if you really wouldn’t like the idea of a bit of scat. Why not pray on the fetishes of others? I have a lovely little man from Barnet who likes nothing more than a lash or two while he’s busy dusting my ornaments.
Have An Affair
Why not lift the doom and gloom of January with a torrid affair. Perfect victims for a bit of licky licky are your plumber, your best friend’s other half or perhaps the totty from the local takeaway? The sudden rush of hormones from this new affair will see you through till mid-February at least. A bout of saucy soreness can be so distracting and there’s a lot to be said for widening your circle of friends!
Alcohol
The world does tend to look oh so rosy when you’re halfway through your second bottle of wine. You’ll find yourself as optimistic as a wrinkly with no teeth crawling around in a dark room. Why not spend the majority of the month half cut and bask in the hilarity of your own jokes and the fine bouquet of your own toots?
Have An Argument
Why not inflict your misery on others and have a huge blazing row with a loved one or trusty colleague? The sudden release of all that pent-up emotion will lift the soul and the impending ‘kissy kissy making up shag’ is a bit of a bonus. Do bear in mind that your trusty colleague may need a few vodka martinis before the kissy kissy bit. Mmmm….the joy of a tipsy frisky colleague in a polyester blouse!
Getting To Know You
Getting to know yourself a little better can mean more than squatting over a hand mirror behind a locked bathroom door. Why not enrol in some new fangled course that sounds like a small Chinese dog or simply spend some quality time with yourself. Learn to love yourself but remember, if you love yourself too often you’ll go blind or suffer wrist problems in later life.
So there you have it – some random tips and hints that we made up during a wet lunchtime in Rainbow land.
copied from www.gaydargirls.com
© 1999-2004 Rainbow Network. All Rights Reserved.
Surviving January
So Christmas has come and gone like some half cut bit of trade with hairy nipples and over-eager hips. January does tend to hang around for longer than even the soggiest damp patch, so you’ll need all the half-assed tips we can toss your way.
Pay Day
Early December pay packets make for poor homos come the first week in January. If you can’t face dipping below ‘Tesco Finest’ when it comes to nibbles, we say simply fine tune your shoplifting skills. Before long you’ll be out of that store with a freshly made pizza stuffed down your knickers. You’ll know when you’ve perfected this little trick when none of the cheese melts. Cool as a cucumber – on second thoughts perhaps it’s better to leave the cucumbers to your more slaggy friends.
We Must Get Together…
Time to call in all those dinner invites from your dull as ditchwater friends. Inviting yourself over to their place is not only a cheap night out but can also result in a few new nick nacks acquired, again, in your kleptomaniac underwear. That Yucca plant is still going strong, you know.
Saunas
A good dose of steam does wonders for your flagging ardour. Why not pop along to your local seedy steamer for a spot of deep pore cleansing? I’m told that there’s fiddling business to be had at these places along with nice fluffy white towels that pop ever so easily into your bag upon leaving.
The Sales
The January sales are a perfect opportunity to pick up some cheap bit of old tat that’s been hanging around a department store for ages. Failing that you could do a spot of shopping instead!
Join A Gym
Before those New Year resolutions go flying out of the catflap, why not immerse yourself in lycra and pump some iron down the local gym? Just think, lots of MTV and all that nakedness in the changing rooms. Never has tying your shoelaces been so interesting – do fight the urge to snaffle upon a passing crotch as memberships can and will be revoked you know.
More Sex
Given that you’re bound to be curled up in your flat most of the month, why not experiment with a bit of kinky sex? Try tempting a willing partner or a drunk neighbour into getting jiggy with it. Now’s a good time to see if you really wouldn’t like the idea of a bit of scat. Why not pray on the fetishes of others? I have a lovely little man from Barnet who likes nothing more than a lash or two while he’s busy dusting my ornaments.
Have An Affair
Why not lift the doom and gloom of January with a torrid affair. Perfect victims for a bit of licky licky are your plumber, your best friend’s other half or perhaps the totty from the local takeaway? The sudden rush of hormones from this new affair will see you through till mid-February at least. A bout of saucy soreness can be so distracting and there’s a lot to be said for widening your circle of friends!
Alcohol
The world does tend to look oh so rosy when you’re halfway through your second bottle of wine. You’ll find yourself as optimistic as a wrinkly with no teeth crawling around in a dark room. Why not spend the majority of the month half cut and bask in the hilarity of your own jokes and the fine bouquet of your own toots?
Have An Argument
Why not inflict your misery on others and have a huge blazing row with a loved one or trusty colleague? The sudden release of all that pent-up emotion will lift the soul and the impending ‘kissy kissy making up shag’ is a bit of a bonus. Do bear in mind that your trusty colleague may need a few vodka martinis before the kissy kissy bit. Mmmm….the joy of a tipsy frisky colleague in a polyester blouse!
Getting To Know You
Getting to know yourself a little better can mean more than squatting over a hand mirror behind a locked bathroom door. Why not enrol in some new fangled course that sounds like a small Chinese dog or simply spend some quality time with yourself. Learn to love yourself but remember, if you love yourself too often you’ll go blind or suffer wrist problems in later life.
So there you have it – some random tips and hints that we made up during a wet lunchtime in Rainbow land.
copied from www.gaydargirls.com
© 1999-2004 Rainbow Network. All Rights Reserved.