amikana
18-11-2003, 04:15
okay gang. i just finished this one like two seconds ago. hope you like it.
disclaimer: the song is 'my immortal' by Evanescence, so it's obviously not mine. the story however, is mine and mine alone. (aka - it's personal) that being said though, this fic is from Lena's POV. let me know what ya'll think though. thanks, enjoy. :D
My Fantasy of You
I'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone
Of course, I don’t mean “here” in a physical sense. I’m talking “here” as in the mental state I’m in, have been in for so long that I honestly couldn’t tell you exactly when this all started. I could be all sappy and uber-romantic and tell you that I’ve loved you since the first time I laid eyes on you or the first time I met you or some such rubbish, but I won’t because I’m sure it’s not true. It snuck up on me, you see, this love for you slowly grew on me day by day until I realized one day (probably early in our junior year) that the poems I was writing were about you and things finally started to click together. The weird jealousy type feeling I’d get sometimes when other people could make you laugh and smile as much as I could or when we’d plan something together and then you’d invite the whole rest of the world to join in. The fierce (and nearly destructive) over protectiveness that I had for you. The fact that I was always thinking about you in some way shape or form, always bringing you up in conversation, always talking about you and me. It all came together then, but it’s not like it solved anything. It wasn’t an “Oh, now I get it!” thing, it was more like an “Oh my god, I’m falling in love with my best friend, what the fuck?” type of thing, if you get my drift. And realizing it only made it worse because instead of being abstractly interested, I was wholly consumed, allowing my entire being to become focused on you.
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
But the euphoric feeling that came upon me whenever I was with you did nothing to dispel or calm the confusion raging inside the confines of my cranium. It hounded my senses completely, chasing after me during the day and into my dreams at night. You were everywhere in my head and literally everything to me.
And then a few months ago after nearly three years of “torture”, I thought it’d get better ‘cause I’d finally uncovered a small part of myself, finally deciphered and claimed a facet to my being that I thought would explain it all away and make it easy to move on. Oh, how wrong I was. Time apparently has no effect on this feeling because after all this time it hasn’t lessened or changed at all. The only thing that is different is the fact that I don’t see you everyday or talk to you all the time anymore, not even a quarter as much as I used to. What’s that stupid clichй though: “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”?
when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
I was always there for you. No matter what boy had broken your heart or which one of our friends was being a bitch to you, I was always there. I couldn’t even begin to count the number of times I told you that you could come to me for anything you ever needed, how many times I told you I’d always be your friend and be by your side, no matter what. I couldn’t help myself from saying those things, it was a “safe” way for me to express some of the love I felt for you, the only way to show you how I felt. And I didn’t mind giving of myself to you – I wanted you to have me, I wanted to be able to give you everything, even though I knew you didn’t really want it the way I wanted you too.
you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now I'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
I would literally live for the moments in between classes when I’d get to see you by the lockers or after school when we’d have practice or afterwards ‘cause sometimes you’d ask me for a ride home or we’d just go hang out. Hell, I lived to talk to you, my life revolved around being everything I could to you, for you. And you’re still here. You’re still here in my head, even though you shouldn’t be - there’s no reason for me to keep you there. I should have never let myself hope – should have never thought that someday things might change. It was all an illusion – wasn’t that my motive behind the creation my personal slogan, SDY? I wish it would have actually worked. So much for willpower, eh? I never did have much of that when it came to you. You always held all the cards and you didn’t even know it. You always talked of not wanting to have a boyfriend and be in a relationship ‘cause it’d make you feel trapped, like you were tied down. You never knew that I’d done exactly that to myself, willingly – binding myself to you so completely. I would have given up the world for you, if you had only asked, because you were the only voice in my head besides my own. All the talk of how we were going to be friends forever, and we have this special connection and we’re always on the same wavelength and how we’re going to have to live together sometime because it’d just be so much fun and etc etc etc. All the talk of the future…and it was always just you and me. I know it was all probably idle chatter to you, but let me just say that it only fanned the feeble flame of my hope for you to love me that much higher. Irrational as it was, I was willing to cling to anything that might speak of me spending more time, and possibly a majority of my life, with you.
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
I look back and think I must have been half-crazy with love for you, to be that naпve. But then I remind myself that there are parts of me that still to this day hold out the impossible hope that you’ll wake up one morning and realize just how heavenly it would be, that we really do complement each other perfectly and that we complete each other. I try not to think of it too much though, because it only brings the pain back. But little by little, the rational part of my brain gains more territory, convincing myself that I will never have you, no matter what signs I may think you give (I’m sure it’s all inadvertent and my mind just sees what it wants to regardless) or how long I hold out for you. This will never change, you’ll always be the one that I can’t have. Someday, I’ll come to terms with that fact, but that doesn’t help me right now because even though I’ve “moved on” (aka I’ve got a girlfriend), I still can’t get you out of my head, out of my dreams, out of my everything, my very being. You’re ingrained there, just like my love of pasta and the way I laugh. You’re a part of me and my heart won’t let you go, no matter how much my brain screams and rants and raves about it tearing my sanity to shreds.
when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I held your hand through all of these years
and you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
but though you're still with me
I’ve been alone all along
I do try, I try every damn day to not think of you. Of the perfect way you smile or the way your hair looks good no matter what you do with it, and yet you still insist on asking me if it looks alright. I try to not think about that day this summer when I had come home to visit and ended up going to see you as soon as I opened the door you were flying down the stairs in those ridiculous goldfish boxers and the sweatshirt I bought for you last Christmas. Hair still wet from the shower, bare legs nearly making my knees go weak, you barreled into me as if you were a starving girl and I held the last piece of bread. I try not to think of how good it felt, to feel you pressed so close against me, to feel your smile against my cheek and to feel your warm breath ghost along the soft tiny hairs on the back of my neck. I try not to think of that moment because if I do it’s so easy to pretend that you loved me. It would be so easy to pretend that the enthusiasm behind that embrace was the same as my own. But it wasn’t. It never has been. I’ve always been the perfect friend, nothing more. You love me as much as you can love a friend, and while I realize that love is indeed genuine – it wasn’t all of what I wanted. I pretended for so long, but it was never real, it never meant to you what it did to me. So even now, as we continue on as friends, I still feel the yearning, the aching desire – like the nagging feeling at the back of your mind when you have the thought of leaving something so unfinished… But there’s nothing to finish, ‘cause there was never anything to begin with. It was always just me – me and my fantasy of you.
when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
-- fin.
thanks for taking the time to read it. :)
amikana
disclaimer: the song is 'my immortal' by Evanescence, so it's obviously not mine. the story however, is mine and mine alone. (aka - it's personal) that being said though, this fic is from Lena's POV. let me know what ya'll think though. thanks, enjoy. :D
My Fantasy of You
I'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone
Of course, I don’t mean “here” in a physical sense. I’m talking “here” as in the mental state I’m in, have been in for so long that I honestly couldn’t tell you exactly when this all started. I could be all sappy and uber-romantic and tell you that I’ve loved you since the first time I laid eyes on you or the first time I met you or some such rubbish, but I won’t because I’m sure it’s not true. It snuck up on me, you see, this love for you slowly grew on me day by day until I realized one day (probably early in our junior year) that the poems I was writing were about you and things finally started to click together. The weird jealousy type feeling I’d get sometimes when other people could make you laugh and smile as much as I could or when we’d plan something together and then you’d invite the whole rest of the world to join in. The fierce (and nearly destructive) over protectiveness that I had for you. The fact that I was always thinking about you in some way shape or form, always bringing you up in conversation, always talking about you and me. It all came together then, but it’s not like it solved anything. It wasn’t an “Oh, now I get it!” thing, it was more like an “Oh my god, I’m falling in love with my best friend, what the fuck?” type of thing, if you get my drift. And realizing it only made it worse because instead of being abstractly interested, I was wholly consumed, allowing my entire being to become focused on you.
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
But the euphoric feeling that came upon me whenever I was with you did nothing to dispel or calm the confusion raging inside the confines of my cranium. It hounded my senses completely, chasing after me during the day and into my dreams at night. You were everywhere in my head and literally everything to me.
And then a few months ago after nearly three years of “torture”, I thought it’d get better ‘cause I’d finally uncovered a small part of myself, finally deciphered and claimed a facet to my being that I thought would explain it all away and make it easy to move on. Oh, how wrong I was. Time apparently has no effect on this feeling because after all this time it hasn’t lessened or changed at all. The only thing that is different is the fact that I don’t see you everyday or talk to you all the time anymore, not even a quarter as much as I used to. What’s that stupid clichй though: “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”?
when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
I was always there for you. No matter what boy had broken your heart or which one of our friends was being a bitch to you, I was always there. I couldn’t even begin to count the number of times I told you that you could come to me for anything you ever needed, how many times I told you I’d always be your friend and be by your side, no matter what. I couldn’t help myself from saying those things, it was a “safe” way for me to express some of the love I felt for you, the only way to show you how I felt. And I didn’t mind giving of myself to you – I wanted you to have me, I wanted to be able to give you everything, even though I knew you didn’t really want it the way I wanted you too.
you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now I'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
I would literally live for the moments in between classes when I’d get to see you by the lockers or after school when we’d have practice or afterwards ‘cause sometimes you’d ask me for a ride home or we’d just go hang out. Hell, I lived to talk to you, my life revolved around being everything I could to you, for you. And you’re still here. You’re still here in my head, even though you shouldn’t be - there’s no reason for me to keep you there. I should have never let myself hope – should have never thought that someday things might change. It was all an illusion – wasn’t that my motive behind the creation my personal slogan, SDY? I wish it would have actually worked. So much for willpower, eh? I never did have much of that when it came to you. You always held all the cards and you didn’t even know it. You always talked of not wanting to have a boyfriend and be in a relationship ‘cause it’d make you feel trapped, like you were tied down. You never knew that I’d done exactly that to myself, willingly – binding myself to you so completely. I would have given up the world for you, if you had only asked, because you were the only voice in my head besides my own. All the talk of how we were going to be friends forever, and we have this special connection and we’re always on the same wavelength and how we’re going to have to live together sometime because it’d just be so much fun and etc etc etc. All the talk of the future…and it was always just you and me. I know it was all probably idle chatter to you, but let me just say that it only fanned the feeble flame of my hope for you to love me that much higher. Irrational as it was, I was willing to cling to anything that might speak of me spending more time, and possibly a majority of my life, with you.
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
I look back and think I must have been half-crazy with love for you, to be that naпve. But then I remind myself that there are parts of me that still to this day hold out the impossible hope that you’ll wake up one morning and realize just how heavenly it would be, that we really do complement each other perfectly and that we complete each other. I try not to think of it too much though, because it only brings the pain back. But little by little, the rational part of my brain gains more territory, convincing myself that I will never have you, no matter what signs I may think you give (I’m sure it’s all inadvertent and my mind just sees what it wants to regardless) or how long I hold out for you. This will never change, you’ll always be the one that I can’t have. Someday, I’ll come to terms with that fact, but that doesn’t help me right now because even though I’ve “moved on” (aka I’ve got a girlfriend), I still can’t get you out of my head, out of my dreams, out of my everything, my very being. You’re ingrained there, just like my love of pasta and the way I laugh. You’re a part of me and my heart won’t let you go, no matter how much my brain screams and rants and raves about it tearing my sanity to shreds.
when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I held your hand through all of these years
and you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
but though you're still with me
I’ve been alone all along
I do try, I try every damn day to not think of you. Of the perfect way you smile or the way your hair looks good no matter what you do with it, and yet you still insist on asking me if it looks alright. I try to not think about that day this summer when I had come home to visit and ended up going to see you as soon as I opened the door you were flying down the stairs in those ridiculous goldfish boxers and the sweatshirt I bought for you last Christmas. Hair still wet from the shower, bare legs nearly making my knees go weak, you barreled into me as if you were a starving girl and I held the last piece of bread. I try not to think of how good it felt, to feel you pressed so close against me, to feel your smile against my cheek and to feel your warm breath ghost along the soft tiny hairs on the back of my neck. I try not to think of that moment because if I do it’s so easy to pretend that you loved me. It would be so easy to pretend that the enthusiasm behind that embrace was the same as my own. But it wasn’t. It never has been. I’ve always been the perfect friend, nothing more. You love me as much as you can love a friend, and while I realize that love is indeed genuine – it wasn’t all of what I wanted. I pretended for so long, but it was never real, it never meant to you what it did to me. So even now, as we continue on as friends, I still feel the yearning, the aching desire – like the nagging feeling at the back of your mind when you have the thought of leaving something so unfinished… But there’s nothing to finish, ‘cause there was never anything to begin with. It was always just me – me and my fantasy of you.
when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
-- fin.
thanks for taking the time to read it. :)
amikana