Fan Fic: Who are JULES and LENNIE?

[Me Am Hulk]

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I've been toying around with this idea for awhile. I've taken The Ladies and put them into
a NEW environment: Namely, my old neighborhood. Two names familiar to the forum will appear in a later chapter (Hey,
Hey "D!") More importantly, I've performed a little... operation on The Ladies. You'll see what I mean.
No spoilers. Read on...

THE ADVENTURES OF JULES AND LENNIE!
(The Heartwarming Story of Two
Metalheads in Denial.)

By Me Am Hulk

EPISODE I:

FADE IN:

INT. - PELHAM BAY STATION, THE BRONX - DAY

Two teenage boys are hanging out under the elevated train station at Pelham Bay in the wake of a heavy rain
storm. Puddles are everywhere. The sidewalks, the curbs, the middle of the street. The torrent has eased
into a light drizzle.

The oldest, LENNIE KATINE (18), has his strawberry blond hair combed into heavy bangs a la Dave Mustaine.
He's wearing a black "Dark Side of the Moon" T-Shirt under a denim jacket. Lennie leans against a large pylon,
reading a copy of "Kerrang!" magazine. Lennie's jittery friend, JULES VOLKOV (17),is listening to his walkman and
jumping up and down. The younger boy is a head shorter than Lennie. His dark brown hair is teased into bristles,
and he wears a studded leather jacket with a "Judas Priest" T-Shirt underneath. Jules thrashes to and fro, while
SCREAMING the lyrics to Iron Maiden's "Run To The Hills."

JULES:
(Sings.)
RUN-N-N TO-O-O-O
THA HIL-L-L-LLZ!
RUN-N-N FO-O-OR
YOUR LI-I-IIIIFE!

LENNIE:
Dude?

JULES:
(Sings.)
RUN! FOR! YOUR!
LI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I...

LENNIE:
Dude!

JULES:
E-E-Y-I-I-I-I-I-I...

LENNIE:
DUDE!

JULES:
(screeches!)
E-E-Y-I-I-I-I-I-IFE!!!

Lennie yanks off Jules' headphones.

LENNIE:
DUDE!!!

JULES:
WOW! Huh? What the fuck,
man?

LENNIE:
Jules! Calm down, you're
totally spazzin'!

JULES:
Who cares? Nobody's lookin'!
Nobody's even here! It's like
no-man's land today!

LENNIE:
Jules... bud... it don't matter.
You're always spazzin'! You
embarrass me when we're at parties,
you embarrass me on the train when
there's a whole lotta people, and
even when there's... like nobody
around you just totally cramp my
style!

JULES:
Yeah? Well, if you think I'm such
a spaz, why do you hang with me?

LENNIE:
(Rolls eyes.)
It's just... I gotta look out for
you, man.

JULES:
"Look out?" Check it, Homes: I
don't need NOBODY to look out for
me, a'right? I'm like what that
poet guy says:
(Folds arms bad-boy style.)
"An island unto myself!" I'm an
army of ONE, period head!

LENNIE:
"Army of ONE?" Aw man, look at
you with that B-boy pose! You look
SO GAY doin' that!

JULES:
(Pushes Lennie.)
Fuck you! I'm not the one
that looks like a red headed
GIRL!

LENNIE:
(Pushes Jules.)
That's 'cause you look
like a pre-op transvestite!

Jules gets in Lennie's face.

JULES:
I DON'T look
like a girl!

Lennie grins.

LENNIE:
Nah, you don't look like
a girl...

JULES:
Damn right I don't look
like a girl...

LENNIE:
You look like an UGLY
GIRL.

Jules grabs Lennie by his jacket.

JULES:
I'll fuck you up, Orphan Annie!

LENNIE:
Go for yours, Tootsie!

Jules pummels Lennie with open handed slaps.

LENNIE:
You even FIGHT like an ugly girl!

Jules jumps on the taller boy, trying to get him in a headlock.

JULES:
I'll body slam you, bitch!

Lennie tries to flip Jules, and the two hit the floor trading broad punches.
At that moment, a muscle car GRUMBLES by on their right. A METALHEAD pokes his
head out the driver seat window.

METALHEAD:
Oooooh! Look at the
Girlfight!

Lennie and Jules stop fighting. Jules is straddling Lennie.

JULES:
Tha fuck YOU want, punk?

The Metalhead starts cracking up and speaks to someone in the passenger seat.

METALHEAD:
Yo, check out the queers man!

The driver, a SKINHEAD with a chin beard, pops his head out the passenger window and leans
against the hood.

SKINHEAD:
Two glam fags in love!

Jules jumps off of Lennie and starts chasing the slowly moving muscle car.

JULES:
Glam fag! GLAM FAG?
I'm more hard-core
than you!

The Muscle Car boys LAUGH and chuck Chinese Food containers at Jules and Lennie. They peel off,
the tires kicking up gravel in Jules' face. Jules doubles over and covers his eyes. Lennie
touches Jules' shoulder.

LENNIE:
They hit you, man?

JULES:
Fuckin' gravel! I think
I'm BLIND!! Shit!

LENNIE:
Let me look at you!

JULES:
Cocksuckers BLINDED me,
man! I CAN'T SEE!

LENNIE:
Would you let me LOOK
at you?! Let me look
at your eyes!

Lennie grabs Jules, pulls him upright, and examines his face. Lennie starts LAUGHING.

LENNIE:
You dumb bitch!
You can see fine!
Your eye's a little red!

JULES:
FUCK! My eye's bleeding!

LENNIE:
NO, ASSFACE! It's just red!

JULES:
It's infected?

LENNIE:
Close your eyelid, doof!
It's just dust!

JULES:
(Shrieks.)
What good'll THAT do?

LENNIE:
Close your eyes, Jules!
Calm down... calm down...

Jules is SOBBING. His breathing slows down. His hand reaches for his eye.

LENNIE:
Don't touch your eye.

JULES:
A'right, a'right!!!

Jules SIGHS. A tear beads up in his stricken eye and rolls down his cheek.

LENNIE:
(Softly.)
How's it feel now?

JULES:
(Snuffles.)
Better. It's gone,
whatever it was.

LENNIE:
You worry too fuckin' much.

JULES:
(Growls.)
You think I'm a weepy little
bitch, don't you?

LENNIE:
WHAT? Jesus Christ...

JULES:
Go on, call me a fag. You
know you want to.

Lennie's hands cradle Jules' face. The redhead LAUGHS softly as he brushes aside
Jules' tear. Jules gazes at Lennie, his lip quivers...

A hail of Chinese food and bottle caps rain on the two boys. They turn around to
see the Muscle Car again, which crept up behind them. The Metalhead and Skinhead
ROAR with laughter.

METALHEAD:
I TOLD you these two
are homos!

SKINHEAD:
Faggy Stardust and
Sissy Pop!

Jules stomps over to the car, but Lennie grabs him.

METALHEAD:
Aw, look at Lil' Lennie
holding his BOYFRIEND
back!

LENNIE:
(Whispers.)
They're bigger than you Jules!
They'll kick your ass!

JULES:
NOBODY calls me faggot! At least
I don't look like a cellie from
"OZ," you closet cases!

METALHEAD:
If I WAS from OZ, I'd be pinning
your skinny ass!

The Skinhead makes KISSING noises.

JULES:
Come up to me and PIN me, bitch!

LENNIE:
(Whispers.)
Shut up, you dick!

METALHEAD:
I'd PIN you, but I don't
wanna catch any fag plague
from your diseased body!

The Muscle Car revs its wheels, it hits a puddle and spatters Jules and Lennie's jeans with dirty rainwater
before it peels off.

Lennie starts fussing over Jules, picking Chinese food out of his hair. Jules pushes him away.

JULES:
Don't TOUCH me, pussy.

Jules marches off, Lennie rolls his eyes and follows him. Suddenly, rain slams down on the duo.

LENNIE:
World's always pissin' on us, man.

***HEADS UP FOR EPISODE II!***

[amikana]

lmao!

well that certainly is interesting.... :D

[Kappa]

LMAO. The Fag Pack. I'm certainly all for this one, man. :D

[Me Am Hulk]

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I promised a friend from this site I'd give her and a friend a guest cameo in this fanfic. It may not be what s/he had in mind, so I hope s/he has a good sense of humor about it! (Much love and respect to you, "D!" :D ) Here we go...

THE ADVENTURES OF JULES AND LENNIE!
(Boys keep swingin', Boys Always Work it Out!)

By Me Am Hulk

EPISODE II:

FADE IN:

EXT. - CORNER CONVENIENCE STORE, PELHAM BAY STATION, BRONX - DAY

Jules stands under the store's awning. The rain hammers down all around him. Jules' once bristled shock of hair is now matted down over his ears and forehead.

Lennie emerges from the store, carrying a small paper bag. He walks up to Jules and produces a bottle of Visine from the bag. He opens it up and unscrews the cap. He touches Jules' chin.

LENNIE:
Hold your head up,
Jules.

Jules snatches the Visine from Lennie.

JULES:
Jesus, Lennie! I'm
not a fuckin' baby!
I'll do it myself!

Jules holds his head up and aims the Visine at his eye.

LENNIE:
Sure act like a fuckin'
baby. I'm the one who
had to pay for that
shit!

JULES:
I didn't ask you to--
Shit! I missed!

LENNIE:
Don't your parents
give you money?

JULES:
Just enough for pizza
and soda! You know
my folks are a bunch
of tightwads! FUCK!

LENNIE:
Look man, lemme help
you!

Jules backs away.

JULES:
Back off, "Mommy!"
I've got it.

Jules squeezes off a drop and gets his target.

JULES:
See!

LENNIE:
(baby-waby voice.)
Oooh! I'm so pwoud
of my widdwe Julie-kins!

JULES:
Fuck off...

LENNIE:
The words are "thank
you," Jules.

JULES:
(Sighs.)
"Thank you" for getting
me the eye-dropper...

LENNIE:
You're welcome.

JULES:
(In Lennie's face.)
But "FUCK YOU," for
being all high and
mighty about it!
I didn't ask you to
buy the shit for me!

LENNIE:
Y'know something?
I'm outta here! I
don't need to listen
to your whiny, ungrate-
ful ass!

JULES:
Where ya gonna go? It's
still raining bloated
douche bags out there!

LENNIE:
I'm not afraid of a little
rainwater, diaper rash!
SEE YA!

Lennie struts off towards the curb. A car rolls by, hits a puddle, and douses Lennie with more water. The car speeds along, the driver oblivious.

LENNIE:
MOTHER FUCKER!

Jules points and LAUGHS at Lennie.

JULES:
You dunce! You always
look up the wrong way
on this street!
He got you good, man!

Lennie marches up to Jules. Their faces are an inch away.

LENNIE:
Blow me.

JULES:
Yeah, you dream that
little dream.

LENNIE:
"Little?" You're the
one with too little to
dream with!

Lennie points to Jules' crotch. Jules frowns.

JULES:
Ain't the meat, it's
the motion.

LENNIE:
You won't be making many
ripples with that stub!

Lennie CHUCKLES and hitches up his jeans, which reveal a prominent bulge pressing against the crotch. Jules SNORTS at Lennie's display.

JULES:
I'd be more amazed if
you actually DID anybody
with your package.

LENNIE:
I've done my share of
girls!

JULES:
Name one! Name any
one!

LENNIE:
I've... y'know...
I've done a few
hotties!

JULES:
Any hotties I know?

LENNIE:
(Blows raspberry.)
NO GIRL in our school
puts out, Jules!
They're all a bunch
of frigid bitches!
I'm talkin' about
hotties from Van Nest,
Co-Op City, New Rochelle...
you know, the EASY ones!

JULES:
So give me a name!

LENNIE:
Ah dude, I've done so
many I can't keep track
of their names!

JULES:
So why won't any girl
touch you at school?

LENNIE:
Like I said man, they're
snotty, uptight, ice-cold
frigid QUEEN BITCHES!

JULES:
A'right, A'right... who
would you DO from our
school, if they gave you
a chance?

LENNIE:
You mean, if I gave THEM
a chance.

JULES:
Whatever. Who would you
be with from our school?

LENNIE:
Well, I wouldn't go out
with ANY dumb bitch from
our school...

JULES:
You might have the best
chance with a dumb bitch...

LENNIE:
(Tsk - Tsk)
See, that's YOUR problem
Jules. Low fucking
standards. You'd fuck
anything that'd spread
eagle for you. I'd
get busy with the HONOR
STUDENTS.

JULES:
Give me a name.

LENNIE:
Someone with a brain...
talent... class... and
a hot bod.

JULES:
So give me a name!

LENNIE:
I'll give you two.

JULES:
Gimme two, then.

Lennie gets in Jules face again.

LENNIE:
Darje... and
"The Alien."

JULES:
Oh yeah? The two
Spanish chicks?

LENNIE:
Not just ANY Spanish
chicks... HONOR ROLL
Spanish Chicks!
ATHLETIC TEAM Spanish
Chicks!

Jules smirks and looks past Lennie's shoulder.

JULES:
Yo! You hear that,
chicas? Leonardo
here wants to get busy
with you!

Lennie rolls his eyes.

LENNIE:
Nice try, Jules.
I'm a little too smart
for that old trick.

GIRL'S VOICE:
What trick would that
be, LENNIE?

Lennie's eyes widen. He turns around slowly and sees...

DARJE and "THE ALIEN," two young Mexican-American girls from the neighborhood. "The Alien" is dressed in formal attire similar to a private school outfit - thus the nickname given her by the denim-and-leather crowd at school. She holds an umbrella over herself and Darje, who is dressed in baggy jeans with a designer-name tank top showing off her bare, muscled arms. Darje smirks at the boys, while "The Alien" shakes her head and SNICKERS.

Lennie CLEARS HIS THROAT.

LENNIE:
(Mumbles.)
Uh... hey, what's up?

JULES:
(To Lennie.)
Bust a move, beeyotch.

***HEADS UP FOR PART THREE!***

[Kappa]

*SNORTZ. Gives Me Am Hulk a big faggy hug.* Thanks man, I just needed that. :lol:

Talk about an altern, bisexual, genderfucked (http://www.iespana.es/darjesite/Image017.jpg) universe. :P And me who just started drag kinging. XD

[parrish122]

Oh...my....god.

Before I comment on the fic, I've *got* to say this.

Darje? In that pic you look *just* like my younger brother. No lie. My jaw *dropped* when I saw that pic!

On edit--I just showed that pic to Barb, and asked her who she thought it was. She said, "Your brother Billy." I am *so* sending you a pic of him, so you'll see what I mean!

And Hulk? Funny stuff, as always! I can't wait to see the next chapter!

Parrish

[Me Am Hulk]

...And we're back! When we last left our heroines, they were magically turned into teenage boys and transplanted from Moscow to the Bronx! And unlike their out n' proud real-life selves, they are utterly CLUELESS about their own sexual yearnings! Just your typical boys from the Bronx.
And BTW, "D" if you're reading this: I don't know if THIS is the type of fantasy you and "A" have concerning Yulia Volkova. If not, it should at least give you a few new ideas... :heh: DERP!

THE ADVENTURES OF JULES AND LENNIE!
(You're an Angel...)

By Me Am Hulk

EPISODE III

FADE IN:

EXT. - CORNER CONVENIENCE STORE, PELHAM BAY STATION, BRONX - DAY

The rain lets up again.

Jules wears a shit-eating grin as Lennie starts sputtering out a response to Darje and "The Alien."

LENNIE:
Yeah... uh...
me an' Jules were
just talkin' about
youse two!

DARJE:
We noticed.

"The Alien" rolls her eyes.

JULES:
Yeah, Lennie was
talking my ear off
about all the NASTY
THANGS he wanted to
do with you two!

ALIEN:
"Nasty Thangs?"

Darje takes a step toward Lennie, who stiffens up and GULPS. (Hush your dirty minds, that's not what I mean by
STIFF... yet.)

DARJE:
You think you're MAN
enough to handle the
pair of us, 'Nardo?

ALIEN:
(Snorts.)
Oh you can leave me out
of this, chica.
I'm not touching this
dirty boy.

Darje steps closer to Lennie. Their faces are inches apart.

DARJE:
You think you're man
enough to handle ME?

Lennie glances over to Jules, who's GIGGLING and giving Lennie the finger. Lennie CLEARS HIS THROAT, square his
shoulders and meets Darje's gaze.

LENNIE:
Yeah well, you know
it depends.

DARJE:
Depends on what,
Strawberry?

Darje runs a finger through Lennie's strawberry blonde hair. Lennie struggles to meet Darje's gaze.

LENNIE:
D-depends on...
uh... Hey, you ain't
the first track runner
I've gone out with.

DARJE:
What do you like to
do with runners,
LENNIE?

LENNIE:
Y'know, what I do
with other girls...

DARJE:
Y'know something,
'Nardo?

Darje brings her lips up against his ear.

DARJE:
I don't think you're
ready to wrestle with
me.

Darje squeezes Lennie's batch. Lennie COUGHS and makes a face. Jules and "The Alien" BREAK UP LAUGHING.

JULES:
So "Alien," why don't
you want to be with Lennie?
You want to be with some
one who ain't so nasty,
right?

Jules winks and points a thumb at himself. "Alien" sneers and waves him off.

ALIEN:
I'm already spoken for,
Julito.

JULES:
Aw yeah? Who is he?
What's he have I
ain't got?

ALIEN AND DARJE:
"He?"

Alien and Darje start laughing. Jules frowns.

JULES:
What's so funny?

Darje takes Alien under her arm.

DARJE:
I got plenty you ain't got,
Jules.

JULES:
Wait a minute, I'm lost...

Lennie whacks Jules in the head.

LENNIE:
They're GAY, you dumbass!

JULES:
What? No way!

ALIEN:
What do you mean, "No way?"

JULES:
You're too pretty to be
lesbos!

Alien and Darje EXPLODE with laughter.

ALIEN:
What do you know about
bein' gay, Hoo-LEE-toe?

JULES:
Well like... I thought
lesbos were big fat
chicks with lumberjack shirts
and buzzcuts and hair on their
legs!

Alien and Darje double over LAUGHING, Lennie groans.

LENNIE:
You are SO retarded,
dude.

JULES:
What? What's so funny?

Darje strokes Jules' cheek.

DARJE:
If you weren't so CUTE
Jules, I'd be slapping
you down the block!

JULES:
What? You think I can't
take you?

DARJE:
Oh I KNOW you can't take
me!

Jules sneers and takes on a campy wrestling pose.

JULES:
Bring it on, GIGANTIJA!

Darje smirks, grabs Jules, and hoists the little seventeen-year-old boy over her head.

JULES:
Hey! What? What th' FUCK?

LENNIE:
Whoa, shit.

Alien CACKLES as Darje flips little Jules ass-over-teacups and dangles him inches above the sidewalk.

JULES:
HOLY SHIT! Put me down!
Put me down! No fair!

Jules' shirt slides down, exposing his midriff. Alien starts tickling his belly.

ALIEN:
You're so-o-o-o
cute, Julito!
Listen to him squeal!

Jules starts GIGGLING from the tickle torture, but still SQWAWKS in terror. His slim legs flail in the air.

JULES:
L-lennie! FUCK!
J-Jee-hee-hee-zus
Christ, man! H-HELP
MEE-hee-hee-hee!

Lennie's face is red. Tears stream down his cheeks as he beats the stucco wall behind him LAUGHING.

LENNIE:
(Bronx Cheer.)
What for? You're
having so much...
FUN! AAAAH-HA-HAAA!

Jules' face starts turning red.

JULES:
Stop! S-stop!
The blood's rushin'
to my head!

Alien tugs Jules' cheeks.

ALIEN:
So-o-o-o cute, like a
little cherub!

She starts singing a Madonna song.

ALIEN:
"Oooo-ooh, you're an
an-gel-l-l-l..."
(She tugs Jules' pants.)
Hey Darje! Wanna have a
look at Julito's culito?

JULES:
WHOA NO! NO, NO, NO!!
NO FUCKIN' WAY!

Jules finally wriggles free and lands on the floor, legs still kicking in the air.

Darje towers over him, hands at sides, in a classic "Supergirl" pose.

DARJE:
Think you're ready for
a second round?

Jules struggles to his feet.

JULES:
You chicks are CRAZY!

***HEADS UP FOR EPISODE IV!***

[amikana]

"Well like... I thought
lesbos were big fat
chicks with lumberjack shirts
and buzzcuts and hair on their
legs!"

LMAO :D classic.

[Me Am Hulk]

One after the other! I'm on a ROLL people! Yuli and Lena are STILL boys, STILL in the Bronx, and STILL convinced they're as straight as a quiver full o' Ted Nugent's arrows! Will Darje and The Alien bring them to the light? When, oh when will they STOP LIVING A LIE??? Ahhh, FUGGIT! It's too much fun seeing them in DENIAL! :heh: Oh GAWD, I'm a cruel bastard...

THE ADVENTURES OF JULES AND LENNIE!
(Y'all Gon' Make Me Lose My Mind!)

By Me Am Hulk

EPISODE IV

FADE IN:

EXT. - CORNER CONVENIENCE STORE, PELHAM BAY STATION, BRONX - DAY

As Jules gets back on his feet, "Alien" pulls a magazine out of her jacket and starts spanking
Jules' behind. Jules grabs the magazine.

ALIEN:
Hey!

JULES:
What's this?

ALIEN:
It's mine, stupid!
Give it back!

Jules jumps away.

JULES:
Not 'til I see what it is!

He holds out the magazine, it's an issue of "Source."

JULES:
You into that hip-hop shit?

ALIEN:
Yeah, so? It's better than
that headbangin' Satan shit
YOU listen to!

Alien makes a funny face, flashes the "metal" sign, and starts head-banging... badly. :D

Lennie rolls his eyes.

LENNIE:
These two don't know nothin'
'bout REAL music, Jules.

JULES:
Who's this on the cover, anyway?
"Dee... Em... Ex..."

LENNIE:
That's a dumbass name! Sounds
like a sneaker name!

DARJE:
Tha fuck you know? DMX is tha
bomb!

LENNIE:
Shit Bomb, maybe...

DARJE:
(Bronx Cheer.)
You Ozzy Osbourne lovin'
devil-worhsipper...

ALIEN:
(Ozzy's Voice.)
"SHA-RON? SHAAAA-
ROOOOONNN!! Oi've
bleedin' wet moy-self,
Oi 'ave!"

Darje and Alien GIGGLE. Lennie smacks Jules' shoulder.

LENNIE:
Give 'em back their
lame-ass magazine, man.

Jules doesn't answer.

LENNIE:
Jules?

Jules is gazing at the glossy image of DMX with his bare, bronze, muscular chest and six-pack.

LENNIE:
Uh... Jules?

JULES:
(Softly.)
God damn... this
dude's RIPPED.

Lennie snaps his fingers in front of Jules' face.

LENNIE:
What's with you, man?

JULES:
Uh?

Darje and "The Alien" are grinning.

ALIEN:
I think Jules has a new
boyfriend!

JULES:
WHAT?

He shoves the magazine back in Alien's hands.

JULES:
Get tha fuck OUTTA
here, Space Queen!
I ain't no fag!

LENNIE:
You were scopin' out
DMX? You're a freakin'
JAIL PUNK, Julie-Anne!

JULES:
Who's side you on,
bitch! I said I
ain't a fag!
(Points at magazine.)
Now HE'S a FAG!!!

DARJE:
What makes you think
DMX is gay?

JULES:
Come on, you ain't
seen his VIDEOS?
He's always in some
prison yard, he NEVER
has no shirt, and he's
always workin' out with
other big, black dudes
with BI-I-I-I-G muscles.
And the cameras always
like close-up on them
GRUNTIN' and STRAININ'
and... GR-R-R-R!

Jules mimicks a bodybuilder: His legs are spread in a wide horse-stance, his string bean arms
pushing imaginary weights, his teeth are grit together. He GROANS and GRUNTS.

JULES:
And they're always like,
shoutin' in each other's
face, and TOUCHIN' each
other, and they're tryin'
to be all MANLY. But you
KNOW they're all like...
GAY an' shit... and...

Jules looks at Lennie, Darje and "Alien." Darje and Alien are grining at little Jules, while Lennie's face
is somewhere between shock and amusement.

JULES:
What?

DARJE:
Lennie, I think you should
know your little friend
is one BIG, FAT BLIP on my
GAY-DAR.

JULES:
A Gay-WHAT?

LENNIE:
You just outed yourself,
dude.

JULES:
Outed? Out of WHERE?

Lennie starts CHUCKLING.

LENNIE:
I can see little fairy
wings growing our from
your back... JULIE!

DARJE:
(Sucks her teeth.)
Don't you start being
mean to him, HELENA!

Pause.

LENNIE:
What the FUCK are you saying?

ALIEN:
What she's SAYING is that you
shouldn't be pushin' him away,
since you both walk around like
you're joined at the HIP!

LENNIE:
(Points at Jules.)
Look... he's just my
friend a'right? I ain't
into that sick shit!

DARJE:
Oh, right.
(Jason Mewes' voice.)
"Your hetero life-
partner." Uh-huh...

ALIEN:
You know, I never see
either of you going out
with any girls.

JULES:
Well that's 'cause...
you know... we...
Look, what are you
tryin' to say, HUH?

ALIEN:
(Grins.)
We're sayin' it's
springtime...

DARJE:
(Points at both boys.)
And LOVE is about
to bloom!

Lennie and Jules gawk at the girls, then gawk at each other. Their faces twist into the most sour
contortions humanly possible.

JULES AND LENNIE:
NO... FUCKIN'... WAY!!!

***HEADS UP FOR EPISODE V!!!***

[prostrel]

This is fun! :D

[Me Am Hulk]

Ding-Ding! Round Five! Grab a ringside seat and see "The Duelling Dicks in Denial!" :heh: No pushing, folks...

THE ADVENTURES OF JULES AND LENNIE!
(We Care A Lot!)

By Me Am Hulk

EPISODE V

FADE IN:

EXT. - CORNER CONVENIENCE STORE, PELHAM BAY STATION, BRONX - DAY

Darje and "The Alien" watch a LOUD verbal battle.

Jules and Lennie circle each other, wildly gesticulating and BABBLING loudly. Each tries to SHOUT
the other down. Darje interrupts them.

DARJE:
Guys, there's more to
being gay and in love
than FUCKING.

JULES:
NO WAY would I bend over
and take it from this dude!

LENNIE:
Well who WOULD you take
it from, Little Miss High
Maintenance?

ALIEN:
(Murmurs.)
Only a BOY would confuse
sex with auto body work.

JULES:
I bend over for NO MAN,
Strawberry Shortcake!
(Thumps chest.)
I pitch, I don't catch!
Got it?

LENNIE:
Oh so you'd PITCH it
to a guy, huh? Ya like
bein' a TOP?

JULES:
That's not what I meant!
Don't you...

LENNIE:
'Cause I'll tell ya man,
you sure look like a
BOTTOM to me!

Jules balls his fists.

JULES:
I am so gonna DECK your
sorry ass!

DARJE:
(To Alien)
You wanna break this up?

ALIEN:
I dunno, I love a good
mating dance.

At that moment, the door to the convenience store bursts open. The SHOPKEEPER - a big, burly, bullet-headed,
no-nonsense motherfucker who ran with the Fordham Baldies* in his youth - jabs his meathook sized finger
at Jules and Lennie with the authority of Jehovah Most High.

SHOPKEEPER:
You and YOU! I want
you two toilet-mouthed,
crank-snortin' FUCK-UPS
off my property NOW!
(To Darje and "The Alien.")
You two pretty ladies
friends with these hippies?

ALIEN:
Oh... we're just babysitting.

SHOPKEEPER:
Well take these baby boys
somewhere else! I don't
need their trashy mouths
in front of my place o'
business, capice?

DARJE:
Claro, claro...
'Kay chiquitos,
we're outta here.

Jules and Lennie SNARL at each other, shoulders heaving, teeth grit. "Alien" gets between them, all smiles.

ALIEN:
C'mon Julito, 'Nardo.
Be good boys, and come
with us.

The boys' shoulders sag, they take a deep breath, and follow "Alien's" lead. The four kids go around the
corner...

CUT TO:

EXT. - PELHAM BAY AVENUE - DAY

..."Alien," Darje, Jules, and Lennie walk under the shadow of the elevated "6" line. The boys are still
scowling, flashing fiery glares at each other. Alien slows down, catches Jules' gaze, and smiles.

ALIEN:
Hey baby, don't be
angry with your
pretty friend.

JULES:
Did you have fun?

ALIEN:
Fun?

JULES:
Winding us up
like that? Calling
us "faggots?"

ALIEN:
Okay, FIRST of all,
I never called you
"faggots." All I
said is that you two
might be in LOVE.

JULES:
Same thing! You
wanted to see us fight!

ALIEN:
That's the SECOND thing,
You didn't need me
to tell you guys to
fight!

DARJE:
Yeah, you guys were
already fighting when
we showed up.

LENNIE:
So then you decided to
have fun with us? Mind
fuck us?

DARJE:
Ohhhh no, don't you even!
YOU were the one saying
you wanted to fuck US!

LENNIE:
Yeah but how was I
supposed to know you
were there?

DARJE:
Lennie? If your brain
was as big as your batch...

LENNIE:
Y'know what? We're outta
here! You go your way,
we'll go ours!
(To Jules.)
C'mon Jules!

JULES:
Don't see why you even
give a shit about what
we say or do, anyway!

The boys turn to cross the street.

ALIEN:
Hold on! Wait up!
You wanna know why
we even care about
you guys?

DARJE:
Let 'em go...

The boys stop in their tracks.

LENNIE:
Yeah, as a matter of fact,
I'm DYIN' to know! Okay,
so I was talkin' smack
about you two. So why do
you wanna be all friendly
with us?

Alien waves them over. The boys walk over and stand eye to eye with the girls. Alien places her hands
on each boy's shoulder and squeezes them gently.

ALIEN:
Me an' Darje, we've
known you guys a long
time. When you're not
trying to show the world
what loud assholes you can
be, you're actually kind
of SWEET.

Long Silence. It's broken by the the boys' LOUD GROAN.

*AFTERWORD: The Fordham Baldies were a street gang from the Bronx that existed in the late 50s - early 60s alongside the Tongs and the Ducky Boys. For a good dramatization of these gangs, rent "The Wanderers."

***HEADS UP FOR EPISODE VI!***

[Me Am Hulk]

Tonight, on a special episode of the WB's "Julian & Leonard": The boys share a coffee, a kiss, and their feelings...
:gigi:
Sort of...

THE ADVENTURES OF JULES AND LENNIE!
(You've Got Green Eyes, You've Got Grey Eyes...)

By Me Am Hulk

EPISODE VI

FADE IN:

JULES:
SWEET?

LENNIE:
Sweet to who? We
ain't sweet with
ANYBODY!

DARJE:
(Smiles.)
Sweet to each other.

Silence.

JULES:
Look, we don't hold
hands or skip around
like a bunch of ballerinas.

DARJE:
That's not what we mean
by SWEET, dum-dum!

LENNIE:
Then what DO you guys mean?

DARJE:
We saw what you did for
Jules when those assholes
were bugging you.

ALIEN:
(Coos.)
We saw you drying a tear
off his sweet little cherub
cheeks. And the look on
Julito's face when
you did that! Oooooh, we
could have died!

DARJE:
We were in the store picking
up magazines, and then you
came in and marched right
up to where the Visine was.
You paid for it out of your
own pocket!

ALIEN:
And that was only a few minutes
after you were rolling around
on the sidewalk, trying to kill
each other!
(She tugs Lennie's cheeks.)
Only a boy in LOVE could do
something like that!

LENNIE:
How come we didn't see you
when all this was happening?

ALIEN:
(Rolls eyes.)
Because you two were in your
own little world!

LENNIE:
You're losing me...

ALIEN:
You were looking out for him,
like he was all that mattered
to you!

"Alien" tilts her head toward Darje.

ALIEN:
It's like how I feel
for that big, dumb
jock over there.

DARJE:
I heard that, reina.

Alien smirks at Darje, and turns back to Lennie and Jules.

ALIEN:
Okay. Maybe we were a
little rude when we suggested
you two are gay. Maybe yes,
maybe no.

JULES:
We ain't...

ALIEN:
What we DO know, from seeing
two, is that you CARE for
each other. A lot.

She steps back, looks at both boys, and SIGHS.

ALIEN:
You two are so beautiful when
you're not snarling at each
other.

Lennie's eyes dart from Alien to Darje to Jules. Jules turns his gaze away and stares at the sidewalk. Lennie clears his throat.

LENNIE:
Uh... look. We've gotta
get goin'. I mean, you
mean well and all and
that's cool, but we got
places to go.

DARJE:
Where you guys headed?

Jules and Lennie look up and down the avenue.

JULES:
I dunno.

LENNIE:
You know, around...

JULES:
Yeah, around.

DARJE:
So I guess you won't
run far away. We'll be
seeing you!

Darje and "The Alien" wave, and turn to leave...

JULES:
Hey wait, you think
you're our guardian
angels or somethin'?

DARJE:
(Sucks her teeth.)
Oh get real, Julito.
We got our own problems.

ALIEN:
We'll check on you guys later,
M'kay?

JULES & LENNIE:
(Shrug in unison.)
Cool.

Darje and "The Alien" blow kisses and walk towards Pelham Bay Park.

LENNIE:
(Murmurs.)
Those chicks are WEIRD.

Lennie taps Jules on the shoulder.

LENNIE:
Let's go, dude.

JULES:
You goin' home?

LENNIE:
I guess so, wanna come along?

JULES:
I'm in the same direction.

The boys walk down the avenue, underneath the elevated tracks of the "6".

CUT TO:

EXT. - BUHRE (BYOOR-ee) AVENUE - DAY

Still walking under the "6," the boys stop and look up at a dark grey stormcloud.

JULES:
Think it's gonna start pourin' again?

LENNIE:
Fuck if I know.
(Chuckles.)
Can you believe that shit
those two were saying?
Analysing us like Doctor
Fuckin' Ruth?

Jules meets Lennie's gaze.

JULES:
Nuh-uh.

LENNIE:
I mean, don't get me
wrong. I love you, bro.
And I MEAN like a brother.
But just 'cause I love
you, we're like FAGS or
somethin'?

JULES:
Your eyes, they're green.

LENNIE:
Say what?

JULES:
I thought only girls could
have green eyes.

Lennie waves his arms at the dark grey heavens.

LENNIE:
JEE-zus Christ! What
the hell, Jules? Where do
you get these dumb ideas?
"Lesbos are lumberjacks,"
"Only girls got green eyes..."
Okay, I got 'em from my
mom's side! But dudes can
have green eyes, violet
eyes, hazel eyes, grey
fuckin' eyes...

JULES:
(Softly.)
I have grey eyes.

Lennie peers at Jules intensely. Then he CHUCKLES and takes the smaller boy under his arm "buddy-buddy" style.

LENNIE:
C'mon, forget all this
fag shit. Wanna come
over and use my "Sony
Playstation?"

JULES:
Yeah, sure.

Lennie tugs Jules along, out from under the "6" Line, and along Buhre Avenue.

LENNIE:
Fuck all this fag shit.

JULES:
(Laughs.)
Yeah, fuggit.

The two boys slouch down the street.

LENNIE:
Damn, this street's deserted.

JULES:
(Gravelly voice.)
Tell me about it!

Jules and Lennie glance around themselves: Up and down, left and right.

Gently, Lennie's arm slides down Jules' back. His hand brushes against Jules'. Jules takes Lennie's hand and clasps it firmly...

FADE OUT.


***DARE I MOVE ON TO EPISODE VII? TELL ME! DIGA ME!!!***

[amikana]

woohoo! give us more of the story!!! :D:D

[QueenBee]

I WANT MOREEEE

[guesshoo]

interesting. it truly is!

[parrish122]

Oh *please* continue! I absolutely love your fics, and this is no exception.

Parrish

[Kappa]

YOU BETTER, man. After all I've done in this story, I wanna know if I do moreeeee! :D

[prostrel]

More fun please! :D