Me Am Hulk
29-07-2003, 18:34
(The forum folk are seated in aluminum chairs, MURMURING to one another. Me Am Hulk enters forum. He wears nothing but a frown and a HUGE palm leaf over his most prized possessions. He stands behind a podium set up for him, and taps the microphone.)
HULK: Am this thing on? Good.
(Me Am Hulk gets his papers in order, puts on reading glasses, and clears his throat.)
HULK: Dear Yulia and Lena... Hulk want him pants back.
(Forum folk start GIGGLING. Hulk SNARLS. Forum settles down.)
HULK: Hulk know you two am behind prank. Joke am over. Bring pants back now.
(Darje can't contain herself and spills out of her seat, LAUGHING and punching the floor. Hulk rolls his eyes and continues.)
HULK: Hulk bring forum up to speed. You see, Hulk was at wild party last night. Hulk at bar drowning sorrows over poor turnout for him movie with frosty mug of beer. Hulk look over him shoulder and see Red-head and Spiky-head at table, pointing and giggling.
Puny humans then come over, sit next to Hulk. Spiky-head flag down bartender and say: "Guinness for me and mix a Brickwall Blackout for the Big Green Guy."
Hulk thought him luck about to change. Hulk notice Red-head staring at Hulk trademark purple pants.
"Nice Pants!" Red-head say.
"Thank you, puny human." Hulk reply.
Bartender come by with drink Spiky-Head bought for Hulk. Hulk squint eye at drink, drink look suspicious. Then Hulk squint eye at Spiky-Head.
"You not try to slip Hulk a mickey, am you?"
Spiky Head act all surprised. "Who, me?" Spiky head say, then she bat baby blue eyes innocently at Hulk.
DISENGAGE: (murmurs.) Did he fall for THAT old routine?
HULK: Look, Hulk am sucker for baby blue eyes OKAY?
(Forum GIGGLES, Hulk clears throat, adjusts glasses.)
HULK: Red-head start stroking Hulk bicep, say how she "likes men who run around without shirt and scream a lot." Hulk get all flattered, flex him muscles, and say Hulk not like to brag but Hulk stick to strict exercise regimen.
Then Spiky-Head slide Hulk's drink closer to Hulk, "It's my own brand." she say.
Hulk take swig of drink and ask: "What am drink called again?"
"Brickwall Blackout," says Spiky Head with smile.
"Why it am called that?" Hulk ask.
"Oh-h-h-h-h you'll find out," says Red Head.
Hulk decide to use favorite pick up line, "So-o-o-o-o... Hulk am Gemini, what am puny humans' sign--"
Then everything go black.
Next thing Hulk know, Hulk woke up by lawn sprinkler. Hulk look around, am in someone's backyard, in some suburb Hulk never been to.
Then Hulk notice someone strap brassiere to Hulk head, stick Krazy Straws in Hulk ears, glue popcorn and pretzels to Hulk back, put pasties on Hulk nipples. Top that off, Hulk covered head to toe in packing tape and Silly String.
Then Hulk notice him pants am missing.
(In the audience, Echoed is on the verge of tears trying not to laugh. Darje staggers out of the room into the hallway and SQUEALS with laughter. Disengage's face is concealed behind a newspaper, where muffled CHUCKLING is heard.)
(Hulk takes a deep breath, counts to ten, and continues reading his notes.)
HULK: So to girls Hulk would like to say: Okay, Hulk been good sport about this. Hulk not throw tantrum, Hulk not smash suburb, Hulk swallow him pride and laugh it off. But Hulk would like him pants back now, please.
(More SQUEALING from the hallway.)
HULK: It am Hulk only pair of pants, Hulk am very attached to them.
DISENGAGE: Not any more.
(Echoed starts WHEEZING, SNICKERING, and doubles over in seat.)
HULK: Hulk would like to ADD, that if anyone finds Hulk torn purple pants, bring them to forum and give them back to Hulk.
DARJE: (from the hallway) Try the nearest FLAGPOLE!
(The entire forum starts ROARING with laughter. Me Am Hulk grits his teeth, crushes his glasses, and chews up his notes.)
HULK: (Growls.) So Yuli, Lena If am you watching... JIG IS UP!!! GIVE HULK BACK HIM PANTS!!!! Hulk thank forum for patience and understanding.
(Hulk steps away from podium and turns toward the exit curtain, accidentaly exposing his big green butt to the forum.
The forum starts HOOTING and WOLF-WHISTLING.)
VOICE: Nice caboose, Greenskin!
HULK: (Rolls eyes.) Hoo-boy, Hulk not live this one down...
END.
HULK: Am this thing on? Good.
(Me Am Hulk gets his papers in order, puts on reading glasses, and clears his throat.)
HULK: Dear Yulia and Lena... Hulk want him pants back.
(Forum folk start GIGGLING. Hulk SNARLS. Forum settles down.)
HULK: Hulk know you two am behind prank. Joke am over. Bring pants back now.
(Darje can't contain herself and spills out of her seat, LAUGHING and punching the floor. Hulk rolls his eyes and continues.)
HULK: Hulk bring forum up to speed. You see, Hulk was at wild party last night. Hulk at bar drowning sorrows over poor turnout for him movie with frosty mug of beer. Hulk look over him shoulder and see Red-head and Spiky-head at table, pointing and giggling.
Puny humans then come over, sit next to Hulk. Spiky-head flag down bartender and say: "Guinness for me and mix a Brickwall Blackout for the Big Green Guy."
Hulk thought him luck about to change. Hulk notice Red-head staring at Hulk trademark purple pants.
"Nice Pants!" Red-head say.
"Thank you, puny human." Hulk reply.
Bartender come by with drink Spiky-Head bought for Hulk. Hulk squint eye at drink, drink look suspicious. Then Hulk squint eye at Spiky-Head.
"You not try to slip Hulk a mickey, am you?"
Spiky Head act all surprised. "Who, me?" Spiky head say, then she bat baby blue eyes innocently at Hulk.
DISENGAGE: (murmurs.) Did he fall for THAT old routine?
HULK: Look, Hulk am sucker for baby blue eyes OKAY?
(Forum GIGGLES, Hulk clears throat, adjusts glasses.)
HULK: Red-head start stroking Hulk bicep, say how she "likes men who run around without shirt and scream a lot." Hulk get all flattered, flex him muscles, and say Hulk not like to brag but Hulk stick to strict exercise regimen.
Then Spiky-Head slide Hulk's drink closer to Hulk, "It's my own brand." she say.
Hulk take swig of drink and ask: "What am drink called again?"
"Brickwall Blackout," says Spiky Head with smile.
"Why it am called that?" Hulk ask.
"Oh-h-h-h-h you'll find out," says Red Head.
Hulk decide to use favorite pick up line, "So-o-o-o-o... Hulk am Gemini, what am puny humans' sign--"
Then everything go black.
Next thing Hulk know, Hulk woke up by lawn sprinkler. Hulk look around, am in someone's backyard, in some suburb Hulk never been to.
Then Hulk notice someone strap brassiere to Hulk head, stick Krazy Straws in Hulk ears, glue popcorn and pretzels to Hulk back, put pasties on Hulk nipples. Top that off, Hulk covered head to toe in packing tape and Silly String.
Then Hulk notice him pants am missing.
(In the audience, Echoed is on the verge of tears trying not to laugh. Darje staggers out of the room into the hallway and SQUEALS with laughter. Disengage's face is concealed behind a newspaper, where muffled CHUCKLING is heard.)
(Hulk takes a deep breath, counts to ten, and continues reading his notes.)
HULK: So to girls Hulk would like to say: Okay, Hulk been good sport about this. Hulk not throw tantrum, Hulk not smash suburb, Hulk swallow him pride and laugh it off. But Hulk would like him pants back now, please.
(More SQUEALING from the hallway.)
HULK: It am Hulk only pair of pants, Hulk am very attached to them.
DISENGAGE: Not any more.
(Echoed starts WHEEZING, SNICKERING, and doubles over in seat.)
HULK: Hulk would like to ADD, that if anyone finds Hulk torn purple pants, bring them to forum and give them back to Hulk.
DARJE: (from the hallway) Try the nearest FLAGPOLE!
(The entire forum starts ROARING with laughter. Me Am Hulk grits his teeth, crushes his glasses, and chews up his notes.)
HULK: (Growls.) So Yuli, Lena If am you watching... JIG IS UP!!! GIVE HULK BACK HIM PANTS!!!! Hulk thank forum for patience and understanding.
(Hulk steps away from podium and turns toward the exit curtain, accidentaly exposing his big green butt to the forum.
The forum starts HOOTING and WOLF-WHISTLING.)
VOICE: Nice caboose, Greenskin!
HULK: (Rolls eyes.) Hoo-boy, Hulk not live this one down...
END.