View Full Version : Just Jokes
Disengage
23-06-2003, 17:00
Does anyone know any good ones? Here's one:
this guy is walking down the street, and he comes across an old man sitting next to a basket of apples shouting, "ORANGES FOR SALE! ORANGES FOR SALE!"
guy: hey there, old timer. those aren't oranges, they're apples.
old man: here, try one.
guy: that's amazing! it tastes like an orange! i'm actually much more partial to bananas, though.
old man: turn it around.
guy: incredible! the other side tastes like a banana! how about peaches?
old man: try this one.
guy: wow, it tastes just like a peach. pears?
old man: turn it around.
guy: man, if i had my eyes closed, i would swear this was a pear! hey, this fruit stuff is great, but i'll tell you, you'd really have something here if you had an apple that tasted like pussy.
old man: no problem. try this one.
guy: (takes a bite and immediately spits it out) THIS TASTES LIKE SHIT!!
old man: oh sorry about that. turn it around.
A woman, her mother and her grandmother are living in same house. All are either practsing or former prostitutes. So the youngest one comes home one night all pissed off. "I only got $ 20 for a BJ". Her mother replies: "Don't complain. In my days I was glad to get $10 for BJ". Ah, that's nothing" says grandma In my days I was glad to get something warm in my stomach"
A guy and his gf are having sex on the beach. During sex she farts several times. after the are done she's all embarresed. "Sorry about that" she apologises." "No, thank you for getting sand of my balls."
This one was posted by marina in the Rus. part of this Forum. Enjoy!
A BULB
Question: How many tatysite.net members does it take to change a bulb?
Answer: 427
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1 changed a bulb at home and thought it was necessary to tell about it on the forum.
14 shared the similar experience.
7 told about the possible dangers connected to changing a bulb.
27 pointed out spelling and grammar mistakes in the post about the bulb.
53 started a war against grammar freaks.
156 PM:ed the Administrator with their complains on the discussion in the thread.
111 defended their rights of freedom of speech on the forum.
27 added posts with the wеbsite links, where everyone can check various brands of bulbs.
14 complained about the invalid links and asked someone to download the pictures of the bulbs and e-mail them.
12 advised to use WinAmp or QuickТime to open the files.
1 started to flirt with another members.
1 moderator warned for getting off-topic and starting a chat.
2 left their messages of leaving the forum for good because of that discussion.
1 administrator who closed the thread.
Did I miss someone?
*laughs madly at that joke*
Sad thing is, it's true...
*Points.* I'm the third level/fourth person to the last one.
I'm laughing hysterically at the moment. LOL.
Fabulous joke, marina. Thanks for sharing, forre. ^_~
~Echo.
Disengage
24-06-2003, 06:09
What's worse than seven dead babies in a garbage can?
- One dead baby in seven garbage cans.
Disengage, care to elaborate? LOL.
Lmao. i'm out of humor at the moment, i'll just laugh alongside yall.
Disengage, ah, the dead baby jokes. Always distastefully amusing. *Chuckles.* ^_^'
~Echo.
ChrisG.1987
24-06-2003, 08:09
i got this off http://www.effect.net.au/lukastan/humour/Mainmenu.htm under sex funnies
BIONIC FRED
This is the tale of Freddy Law
whose sexual equipment got jammed in the door.
By the time they freed him, he didn't feel well
for his private parts were mangled to hell.
They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance flew,
but when they arrived, there's nowt they could do.
What a bad blow for Fred, condemned without choice,
to live with no sex and a high squeaking voice.
But lucky for Fred, so he wouldn't feel a fool,
some bright spark suggested a "Bionic Tool".
A smart new electric one, made out of brass,
though the batteries would have to be kept up his arse.
Now newly equipped and after a rest,
Fred thought he would put the tool to the test.
So finding a woman, the nearest one handy,
supplied her with drink and made her feel randy
She, without waiting, put her hand in Fred's flies,
as she felt what was there, gave a cry of surprise.
"That's my Bionic Chopper. Now lets have some fun".
"Cor blimey" she said, "It felt like a gun."
They both stripped quick and Fred entered her fast,
he turned up the control knob and gave her full blast.
They clung to each other as Fred's dick shook some more,
then they bounced off the bed and onto the floor.
Now the pace hotted up and they started to choke,
as the room became filled with blue dirty smoke.
With a bang Fred's left bollock shot up in the air,
and his other one went bonkety-bonk down the stair.
So back for repair went Fred full of woe,
Was this how his sex life was destined to go ?
To return to his doctor at the end of each shag
with his tool in his pocket and his balls in a bag ?
But they fixed up young Fred, made him manly again,
for they boosted his batteries with a flex from the main.
So if he cant get a girl, now poor Fred doesn't cry,
he just flicks on the switch and jerks himself dry.
What is standing in the cornaer and wooden spliters are flying off it? Pinocchio masturbating.
What's best car alsrm system? Hungry pibull.
Why did blonde stop giving head? She heard Russians are coming.
2 blondes are standing behing a guy with really bad hair. "Somebody should give him Head & Shoulders" says one. "How do you give somebody a shoulder?" asks the other.
What are 1.000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea? Good start.
What is lying at the bottom of the sea and shaking? Nervous wreck.
A bear and rabitt are walking thrugh the wood when they find a gold fish. So 3 wishes for everybody. Bear: "I wish every bear in theese woods would be female" And they are. Rabitt: "I wish a motorcycle helmet" Bear: "I wish every bear in this country would be female. Rabitt: "I wish a motorcycle" And he gets one. He seats on it and starts the engine
Bear: "I wish every bear in the world would be female" Rabitt: "I wish that bear would be gay" and speeds away.
A guy loses his balls in an accident. They rush him to hospital where octors can't find human balls so they put one wooden and one metal insde. After some time doctor sees the patient. "So how are you?" Excellent says the patient. "And sex life?" asks the doctor. "Never better" "Any children?" "Yes. Pinocchio and Terminator"
I have some baby jokes and PMS jokes. Are they OK or not?
Disengage
24-06-2003, 15:05
What's green and has 12 tits?
- A garbage bag at a breast cancer clinic
tasteless = funny
EeZeReal
24-06-2003, 16:52
What has four hundred legs and two teeth?
The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
What do Elton John and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?
They both swallow seamen.
What has balls and fcuks old ladies?
A bingo machine.
**Finds the door himself**
A young couple brought their new born baby to the butchers, so that he could weigh the baby on his acurate weighing mashine. The butcher said no problem and took the baby in the back to have him weigh. After a while he comes back and says: " The babys weight is exactly 2 kilograms without the bones."
How can a nun get pregnant? You dress her up as a cute young boy.
What's the difference between woman with PMS and rabid pitbull? Make up.
What's the difference between woman with PMS and terrorist? You can negotiate with terrorist.
How does super model change lightbulb? She holds the bulb and expects the world to rotate around her.
How many students does it take to change lighbulb? 5, 1 to hold bulb and 4 to drink beer until room starts spinning.
How many mobsters does it take to change lightbulb? 2, 1 to chage the bulb and other to kill all the vitnesses.
How many feminists does it take to change lightbulb? None, they prefer to sit in the dark and btich how man are useless.
A man is driving up the hill when around the corner drives a woman. she rolls down the window and yells "Pig" Of course man rolls down his window and yells "Stupid btich". As he drives around the corner he crashes into a pig.
A feminist gives birth. She asks the doctor: "what is it?" "Well, it's a hermaphodyte." "What's that?" "It's person wih both male and female organs." "You mean penis and brains?"
2 women are talking "I only smoke after good sex" says one "Well, 2 cigs a year woun't kill you."
Why is american bear like sex on the beach? Fcuking near water.
Husband comes home drunk as a skunk. Of course he is confronted by his wife. He says "Darling, I bought something for the house" "That's nice. What did you buy?" "Round"
2 men are complaining how their wives are treating them when they come home late. Says one: "I came home and tried to sneak in. She was waiting behind the door and hit me with a frying pan." "Bah, you don't know what to do. I do this. I removed muffler from my Harley. When I come home I drive several times around the block. I slam the door real lod. I go to the bedroom and yell: 'I'm the man of this house and want sex right now'. You woun't believe it, my wife is always asleep when I come home."
After a date guy gives her a small box. She opens it and find 2 aspirins. "But I don't have a hedache" she says. "Excellent, than th date isn't over yet".
kishkash
24-06-2003, 20:58
two guys walk into a bar....ouch
**finds the door THEvolkovaADDICT just used**
A rabbi, a priest, and a ministrer walk into bar. The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
A horse walks in a bar. Bartender asks him "Why the long face?"
What is blonde's mating call? I'm sooooo drunk.
What is brunette's mating call? All the blondes have left.
What is brown, black and blue and lies in the ditch? Brunette that told too many blonde jokes.
How do you know world is going to hell? Best raper is white, best golfer is black and Germany doesn't want to go to war.
What is black and scratches on gless? Baby in microvawe.
What is blue and lies in the corner? Baby in a bag
What is green and lies in corner? Same baby, 2 weeks later.
What's the difference between sin and shame? It's sin to put it in and shame to take it out.
Frenchman, Italian and Brit are talking about their marriages & sex. Frenchman: "Yesterday I made love to my wife 5 times and she made me creppe breakfast and told me how much she loves me" Italian: "I made love to my wife 6 times and this morning she made me pasta and told me she could never live without me" Brit is quiet. So the Frenchman asks him "And how many times did you made love to your wife yesterday?" "Once" replies Brit "And what did she said this morning?" asks Italian "Don't stop"
Disengage
25-06-2003, 18:29
How do you fit 20 babies into a bucket? A blender
How do you get them out? Doritos
What's the difference between baby and sand? You can't impall sand on pitchfork.
A guy steps from his house and finds a snail on his porch. He picks him up and throws him across the garden. after 2 years he hears loud banging on his doors. He opens and sees the snail there "What did you do that for?" asks the snail.
What has 200 legs and no tits? Front row at Hanson concert.
A brunette is jumping on railroad tracks and saying "57, 57, 67" A blonde comes by and asks what she is doing. "Oh, just jumping and saying 57". "Nice. can I join you?" Sure says the brunette. and they are jumping together. sudenlly a train comes. brunette jumps clear but blonde is hit. So brunette jumps back on tracks and goes: "58, 58, 58"
Guy tries to make his gf to have sex with him. "No," says she, "I'll defend my honor to the last" "OK, I respect that. I'll come by first next month then"
A group of spearmies is waiting in balls for their great day. Most are smoking, drinking and partying but one does all the exercises to be the first one. So the big day comes and they are off. Of course that one is first and soon disaapears. After some time other spearmies see him sitting with a bottle and a smoke. "Why aren't you running?" they ask him. "Oh, it's useless. Those are tonsils."
What's the difference between blonde and Titanic? They know how many seamen went with Titanic.
EeZeReal
25-06-2003, 20:10
What has 200 legs and no tits? Front row at Hanson concert.
LmfaO..... :laugh: Oh my...whatever ever happened to them... :rolleyes:
How does a blonde turn the light on after sex?
She opens the car door.
What is the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
She goes home.
**Runs**
Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
So men can understand them.
A minister and a priest are standing by a road. Minister is holding a sign "The end is near" and priest sign "Stop while you still can". A car speeds by and driver rolls down his window and yells "Leave us alone you religious freaks". After he turns the corner there is a loud splash. Minister looks at priest and says: "Maybe we should make a sign 'Bridge out' instead"
Minister, priest & rabbi are talking about their experiences. Minister: "Once I was on a ship and storm came upon us. I prayed and prayed and miracle. Storm all around us but the ship was on calm sea." Priest nodds: "I was on a plane once and we came into a storm. I prayed and prayed and miracle. Storm all around us but plane flew in calm weather." So the rabbi says: "It was a saturday. I was walking in a park, doing nothing as I couldn't. Then I see a suitcase with $1 mio in it. I couldn't pick it up, as that would be work. I prayed and prayed and miracle. Saturday all around me and I was in the middle of Wednesday."
Blonde fell asleep on a field. When she was sleeping a cow came around and stood over her. Blonde wakes up, sees the udders ynd says: "Whoa. One at the time guys."
How do you know blonde gives head? She has belt buckle imprinted on her forehead.
How do you convince blonde to marry you? You tell her she's pregnant.
What will she say? Is it mine?
Why do blondes keep used condoms? Doggy bag.
When was eve most surprised? When she looked under feagleaf and there was no feag under it.
A guy comes to costume shop. "I'm going as Adam and need a feag leaf." So the salesman brings him a leaf. "Bigger" And slaesman brings bigger. "Still too small". After several more the salesman says: "That was the biggest we have. why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as gas pump?"
EeZeReal
26-06-2003, 22:42
What's green and eats nuts?
SYPHILIS!... :rolleyes:
kishkash
26-06-2003, 23:18
What's green and eats nuts?
SYPHILIS!...
Ba Dum pshhhhh
*opens door for addict* ;)
KillaQueen
27-06-2003, 22:47
A doctor was walking in a sanatory, checking out his patients. He passes by a man who was playing with a football. He instantly knows this man will be a football player. Then he sees another man with a basketball. He knows this man will become a basketball player.
At some point he notices a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts. The doctor freaks out and asks the patient: "What are you doing?!". The patient replies: "I'm f*cking nuts, I'm never getting out of here!" :laugh:
two eldrely mem were chatting..
one man says, "my friend,you must try this memory pill i'm taking. Its amazing..I remember evrything!" the other man says, "sounds wonderul.whats the name of the pill?" the first man says,"lets see...hmmmmm, what is the name of the flower... with the thorns?it's red... you give it on valentines day?" the other man says, " a rose?" the first man says, "thats right!" then, calling for his wife,he says, "rose, what is the name of that pill?":):):)
A guy sees Bill Clinton smoking a cigarette. "Mr. CLinton, I thought you are a cigar man." "Bah, cigars are for pussies.":hmmm:
Disengage
29-06-2003, 14:12
Ok here's a Clinton Joke(you'll have to pretend it's the 90s when Clinton was still in office)...
After a blizzard in Washington, DC "Clinton sucks" was written in urine outside of the White House. Clinton has his finest men on it to find out who did this:
Detective: "Well we have good news and bad news. The good news is that it is Gore's urine."
Clinton: "What!? If that's the good news then what's the bad news???"
Detective: "It's in Hillary's handwriting."
dare2dream28
03-07-2003, 04:31
LMAO @ the "It's in Hillary's hand writing." :lol: Here's my lame joke hehe
A blonde woman is trying to do a puzzle and is having a real hard time with it when her husband walks in the room.
"Dear, could you help me with this puzzle? It's supposed to be a tiger, but I can't figure out. Look at the picture."
So she shows her husband the picture of her puzzle. Her husband sighs and then says, "Honey, put the cereal back in the box." :D
:runs out the door:
Two women are put together in hotel room because hotel is full. Both are lesbians, but don't know the other one is too. During the night one says: "I want to be frank with you." "Shhh," says the other one "let me be Frank tonight"
Lame one, I know.
Disengage
09-07-2003, 23:47
A man on a motorcycle collides with a woman. Whose fault is it?
-It's the man's fault because he shouldn't have been riding his motorcycle in the kitchen.
Ouch! :D ;)
ChrisG.1987
10-07-2003, 03:39
what kind of joke is that?
Disengage
10-07-2003, 04:28
a mean one :lalala:
Three chinese, Bu, Chu and Fu went to US. Tired of people mocking them up because of their names, they decided to americanize it. By sugestion of the judge, Bu was now named Buck, Chu was now Chuck and Fu... well Fu decided to return to China.
Argh that was awful.
Cya
Dent :cool:
God decides he needs to go to vacation, but can't decide where to go. So an angel comes along and they start discussing destinations. "Whay don't you go to Venus? It's nice planet, warm and has lot's of nice women" suggests angel. "Nah," replies God, "I've been there 10.000 years ago and it was so hot I could barely move." "Hmmm, why don't you go to Jupiter? It is big planet, apropriate to your greatness and has nice slopes for skiing." "Nah, I was there 5.000 years ago and nearly froze my arse off." "OK, what about Earth? It's not cold, but not hot. It has nice beaches." suggest angel. "Earth? Are you crazy? That's the worse. I've been there 2.000 years ago and they are still saying I got that Jewish girl pregnant."
This joke was brought to you by luxxi, who saw Bruce Almighty last week! :lol: Just kidding.
When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned this the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated," but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."
LenochkaO
18-07-2003, 04:58
A bloke keeps ringing me and singing Stand And Deliver down the line.
I keep telling him he's got the wrong number, but he's adamant.
Disengage
12-08-2003, 03:34
A priest, a rapist, and a pedofile walk into a bar... and that was just the first guy.
(drum fill)
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